Alone again? Naturally!
So I had an epiphany honest to god slap me upside the head early today. And I mean early, it’s 5am here as I type this and apartments are generally
morgue-like very peaceful at that time of day. Anyhoo, I was thinking about the fact that I had no one in my apartment with me and felt a twinge (just a tiny one, mind!) of alone-ness.
Not loneliness, that is by far a worse thing to feel .. Alone-ness is more a feeling of “hmm, I’m alone” vs. “$#@!* I’m lonely!”
Initially, I thought I was a little sad about being alone, or of noticing that I was alone.. Then I stepped it through til finally I asked myself the question: “what would be going on in my apartment if I had a man around?” and I had to laugh..
Cos if we weren’t having sex, sleeping or eating a meal, we’d most likely be doing our own things anyway i.e. It’s not exactly like I would be that much less alone because he’d be at golf, the office or playing angry birds on his iPad while I did my thing.
I suspect what bought on this moment of “doubt” is a phone call I had yesterday, with a particularly annoying relative (I have several!) who was doing her annual “phone and say acerbic things in a sweet voice (to the problem-niece that no one understands), then wish her a merry Christmas and not talk to her again til next Dec” thing.
This horrid woman is thrice divorced and spends the bulk of her time trying to source husband #4.
In the course of the conversation.. we covered off how busy I’d been recently and she made the comment “well it’s nice you have friends, dear. Being alone is just so .. unpleasant.”
I actually had to stop myself from snorting at the delicate pause to convey how simply distasteful she found being uncoupled to be.
Surviving her call, I poured myself a stiff drink and then got to thinking a bit more about the whole living alone vs. living with a mate thing. Because I am going to put it out there (universe, bear with me k I’m female viz I may change my mind on this at some point so perhaps don’t be too quick on delivery!) that maybe I don’t want a mate.
As I’ve said before, maybe I do not have the type of personality to be a good significant other, wife, partner – call it what you will. I know I LOVE my alone time and my cat and just being able to do what I want (what, not whom – behave!) when I want etc. Those things are important to me.
Being independent is important too.
Sure, I’d love to have someone care about me but in my experience the caring is either insufficient so I feel unloved (in which case I ask that oh-so-dangerous Q: “Why do I have this guy around?”) or it’s too much / overbearing and I start to feel trapped, hating every moment til it ends in tears and we go our separate ways. I really seem to struggle to find that happy middle ground.
It’s been said of me many a time, that I am an all or nothing girl and this is great when applied to things like careers or .. well, to anything but relationships, I suspect.
Cos relationships that are successful have to allow compromise. Not in a negative way, but more in the way that any partnership has elements of give and take – be it colleagues in a board meeting, a group of friends deciding which place to go dine at or a man & a woman who’ve decided to do the couple thing..
In the breakup earlier this year, my partner told me that I “lurched from crisis to crisis in my life”- a statement I disagree with 100%.. My life is not a crisis, it’s a bunch of experiences – some good / some bad. That’s what happens when you don’t hide in a safe place and subsist. Sometimes you take risks and they pay off. Sometimes they do not. The way I see it, you extract from every experience whatever lessons you can (even if it’s only “I didn’t enjoy this” .. that’s a lesson you learned!) and you move on.
Maybe the lesson I am starting to slowly comprehend is that whilst I do not like being half of something average, I am also not destined to be one half of something fabulous..
I wonder ..
Posted on December 18, 2011, in Change, Happy-ness, Hope, Humour, Life, Love, Relationships and tagged Dating, Dating. Hope, Divorce, Friendship, Humor, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Optimism, personal, Random, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.