Blogs .. And a challenge

I started blogging almost a year ago and have found some fab blogs in that time. Many of you will know that in the blogosphere there is any number of awards going around but today this is just MY show and tell of the blogs that I follow / enjoy for no reason other than that I’d like to share them.

OK I lie .. In return for my sharing these gems with you, I challenge you to read one (or more!) and post a comment about your fave. Ready? GO for it!

Good morning Vietn.. uh, Korea

Living life – without the need to grow up!

Creativity flows through her veins

Seriously humourous or is that humourously serious? 

A Place For Pleasurable Procrastination

Living well is the best revenge

Satyricon – be sure to check out the madness

This, that, and most definitely the other

Author of the Gods of Asphalt – I’m part way thru it

I don’t know how to describe her except as awesome!

Poetry in motion

Dating again for the first time in 13 years

Musings of a former hula hoop champion

The random musings of a still evolving soul

What’s in the news today? 

All the insanity of searching for a soul mate

Once upon a Time, in rural North Texas, there lived an Idiot. 

Very normal. Or not ..  You decide.

Stupid ugly and foreign – so he says!

Him AND the voices in his head

This goose is cooked!

This site has a lot to do with your imagination

Sharing her thoughts on life

A woman telling the truth

Simple observations, analysis, and common sense comments

Life, seen from where she sits

Drier. Hilariouser. More Sardonic than before

Odd people are everywhere

Ramblings from an apathetic adult baby

Hide your daughters – is all we can both say!

Wild geese that fly

Ripping out his guts for your entertainment

I hope you enjoy these blogs as much as I do. And to everyone above, thank you for being  a part of my world. I appreciate each and every one of you!

I hate you please die

After a great Saturday night out with friends I woke up horribly hungover today and – as I sat in the bedroom pondering the meaning of life – or more to the point: why I didn’t have a coffee machine in my bedroom.. I was reminded of something someone had said to me during our night out. But it’s so rude oh wait it’s in the subject line doh ..

Ah well, can’t win ‘em all. Or is that “shit happens” – Hmm, maybe both are apt!

Which segways neatly to yet another random thought: Isn’t it cool how the internet is overflowing with information?

Without a doubt one of the most common – and one I take full advantage of on my blog – is love themed quotes for women. Tis fair to say that some of them very much feed my romance with communication. Sure, some quotes can be a bit corny and some poignant, with others being simply inspirational.

But all of them somehow speak to this confused heart of mine.

Confused?
Yeah me too ..

You see, this entry is inspired (or instructed, really!) by the Infamous Hobbler <– Click her name to go have a read of her entry then come back and let me know which are my 3 .. !

Astrology, Art, Music & .. Stuff

So I’m a Capricorn. Do you know what capricorns are famous for? Being assholes. We’re cold, “stoic”, methodical, stuck up, calculating and generally awful. Some days I don’t think I am a very good Capricorn .. cos, well .. I’m not that methodical..  

But it is helpful to be Capricorn (this is where the stoic thing comes in handy). For example: the times when your more liberal / artsy friends drag you to a show or poetry reading. I don’t know why they bother, but they do!

And so it is we may sometimes be found in the latest trendy art gallery – confronted with a bunch of stuff that I don’t even pretend to understand .. and these friends, well.. bless their hemp socks – they look at me with pained and anxious expressions .. as my eyes glaze over (only focussing when I check my watch..)

Of course, I DO know why they take me along – so they can josh me about it later, not for any altruistic reasons. Cos the bastards take turns to mock me mercilessly afterwards, as we relax in a place where I’m far more at home: a bar or restaurant.

Another thing I am often mocked for is my taste in music. Or lack of taste, some would say.

See the thing is I like a wide range of music. Be it popular, hip hop, opera, country or rock. Although I do tend to err toward easy. (Like I prefer my men!) Give me Elton, Billy, Eric, or the Eagles any day!

I’m old, I like to understand the words and caterwaul sing along.

So it’s fair to say that whenever I am around people who really “get” their music (and there’s more than a few of you out there on WordPress) I feel terribly insecure and just a liddle stupid.

Bit like when I am in the book shop getting the latest Dan Brown blockbuster novel and the dude next to me in the queue is tightly clutching “Letters from Ayn Rand” or – as already mentioned, I’m in an art gallery and I cannot for the life of me see what everyone else sees..

Where am I going with this?

Well, Mr New is a music fan. And he sent me the link to this song overnight, telling me it was his favourite song at the moment. I have to confess, I have never listened to a Metallica song in my life. Or if I have, I didn’t know it was them..

But for all that lack of awareness, this song wasn’t what I was expecting .. it was a lot ‘softer’ than I expected their music to be..

So tell me .. What do the lyrics say and / or mean?!?

Yeah yeah, I know .. Don’t over-analyse. But I wanna! And I can’t .. cos I’m not a music officianado.. *grumbles*

It’s OKAY to be scared

Recently I mentioned that I am horribly high maintenance and that – having been burned in the past – I have a tendency to let some of my issues drive my actions and / or my thoughts. Which of course means there is a very real danger of these things impacting my future.

And this annoys me! Not the least because it’s just plain dumb to do (and I like to think I am not a dumb person) but moreso because I can’t seem to bloody stop it from happening..

It comes down to fear, really doesn’t it. For all I have to say fearful is not an adjective many people would use when they think of me! Scary maybe but not scared.

So, why am I scared? Because it’s horrible when you give in to something as big as “love” and it doesn’t work out. It’s that simple..

However as the person who’s always dispensing the advice: “Don’t be silly, give it a go – worst case scenario you try and it doesn’t work then just learn from it and move on.. That way it’s a lesson as opposed to a waste of time!”

etc etc blah blah blah ..

Well, let’s just say they’re easy words to spout but it turns out they’re not so easy to apply over one’s own insecurities and actions.

Mr New is still in Europe but still being fabulous. I have had a dreadful week with one thing and another and he’s actively attempted to give comfort from afar which has been helluva cute .. And very reassuring. Particularly when you remember his “lack of drama” preference lol

I  have come to the conclusion that Mr New deserves a real chance. By this I mean he deserves to not have me be a wanker, filled with silly insecurities. A second-guesser. A worry-wart (and general pain in the arse.)

He is entitled (and I’d guess he “wants”) to be with someone who’s going to accept him at face value, appreciate all the awesome things that he brings to the table and not conjure up issues or imagine things that (at this point, anyway) never manifest themselves, in our current ‘relationship’.

I know this won’t be simple to do but as per my “trust” blog post, I am determined to give it my best shot and do believe I will reap the benefits as a result of my (hard!) work and efforts at controlling this head crap I lug about with me!

In keeping with this theme, someone sent me this pic (below) today, someone who knows my past and how I tend to over-think things .. And I wanted to share it with you all. Because it made me go “wow, yes” and I think some of you will also appreciate it..

Trust. I’ve been doing that wrong too!

One of the “issues” I lug around is probably due to the fact that I’ve been let down by men I thought I could trust.. and I realised this weekend just how much it affects my thinking ..And any relationship I enter into..

Trust is such a fragile thing and I don’t trust easily, that is fair to say. I think, maybe in the past I did. But as I’ve gotten older (and been bitten) I’ve learned to be a bit more circumspect in my approach.

All this means is that I may trust a little .. or even quite a bit .. because at the end of the day I want to .. Bu-uut in the back of my mind there’s always that lil voice that reminds me of how shit it was the last time I trusted someone (and got crapped on from a great height!) and to be a bit cautious.

And – if my mind is in the wrong place – this can cause me a lot of angst! Aint issues grand!

But in saying this, I guess there must come a time when one has to “man up” and decide if in fact those issues we’re clinging to – for whatever reasons, are worth hanging on to.

Although I have to say, I dunno that I consciously hold onto issues, they’re just kinda there. Like I’ve tossed a bit of rubbish in the backseat of my car .. I may not be able to see it but it’s there nonetheless.

So it’s really only at times of introspection that I stop and assess logically (open the back door of the car and go “OMG, WHAT A MESS!”) what it is that I am thinking, what I am feeling and then try to probe the why ..

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday which is what has provoked these thoughts.

All because Mr New dared to not be in “appropriate” (Which by my definition, as you will know is “LOTS .. AND NOW DAMNIT”) communication with me whilst he is working over in Europe. Yeah, I know .. Even reading that sentence I grimace at how badly it reads.

Ah shaddup, this is the reality of me and my past / baggage surfacing

Really, we’d been in reasonable contact over the weekend, considering the time zones so I can’t really complain. Oh by the way – this is rational LITFL typing. But yesterday, my irrational and very vocal evil twin was busy telling me that I’d NOT heard anywhere near enough from him and that I wasn’t being treated properly AT all. And she’s verrrry convincing, damn her.

Remembering Mr New’s preferences (Not clingy, not hellishly emotional, No drama) I was very good. Instead of picking up the phone and stalking his ass calling him for no reason at all, I sent a couple of nice texts and then proceeded to get horribly drunk with a couple of girlfriends.

Note: This system of relationship management only works if you relinquish your laptop, cell phone and any form of communication device, just so you know. Cos after a few rounds you may well think it’s a brilliant idea to call him up and yeah well, that call never goes so good, in my xp

As seems to be the case with Mr New, he did just the right thing tho. He called me before going to the office. Yes, Sunday – what can I say, he’s a workaholic. I am too, so we’re a good match!

I had just hauled my woefully drunken arse into bed when the phone rang. Trying to sound moderately sober, I engaged in what I hope was witty and intelligent conversation for an hour or so before being told to get to sleep ..

And as he hung up he said “I’ll talk to you in a few hours k” and that was when, even thru the liquid-faction that had taken place in my brain, it dawned on me.

I think I can trust this one.

Or at the least? I’m gonna have to friggen learn how to and soon, because he travels a lot and I can’t keep drinking this way or my liver will give up the ghost and he’ll probably dump me for being a total booze-hag!

So people, wish me luck please. I am gonna have a hack at letting this one thru’ the defences a little further than I have the last couple of men who’ve been brave (or silly) enough to want to spend time with me.

I’m an equal mix of excited and terrified .. But hey – bring it on

Love. I’ve been doing it wrong!

My love language is Quality time. What this means is that I’m the chick you see clinging to a man’s leg as he heads off to work. The one spotted waiting at the mailbox eagerly for him to return home. And of course, in between those two activities, I am emailing, texting and calling him to see how his day is going or at the least I am pining and thinking about him. I just can’t get enough of him, and am generally a complete pain in the arse ..

That’d be me on top trying to stop him from going anywhere without me ..  

Seriously tho, I have to say that knowing what my love language is hasn’t overly helped me .. It’s just now I have a name for it. I mean heck, any of you regular readers know by now that I am high maintenance. And I already knew that I enjoyed and / or required a lot of time with my love interest.

I suppose the best thing about it having a name is that I can tell said love interest .. And blame the book instead of me!

Mr New called last night. He’s in Europe .. Buying me expensive presents .. (So he told me anyway) Which is kinda funny cos that is one of the languages of love and the one that rated lowest in my scoring. I could give 2 hoots about getting gifts, I want his time and attention.

It seemed the perfect time to introduce him to the concept, so I briefly took him thru’ the languages and asked him which one he thought was his. He instantly said “Physical touch”. Typical male, was my first thought but to be fair – we’ve all met that man for whom this isn’t their language and so I bit my tongue and we carried on talking about this whole love lingo topic.

I think it was good for him to hear me explain my need for time and input and I was very good: I said lots of positive things about how amazingly well he was doing on satisfying my need to cling. for quality time.

Cos he so is! I mean heck – it was 6am in the morning, he was jet-lagged and letting me blather on about some nonsense I’d read in a self-help book when really I am willing to bet he would have preferred to be carving his eyes out with a blunt razor sleeping

After I had taken my quality time and Mr New had gone off to bed, I sat thinking a little about the whole love language thing and it dawned on me! I worked out one of the reasons why I have a string of failed relationships .. In particular, the reason why I tend to smother (and freak them out!) and cosset a man, in the early days of a relationship.

It’s all because of my $#@! love language! Think about it..

I need, enjoy, require – call it what you will – having time and effort invested in me, in order to feel content or secure in a relationship. My love language goes something like this:

“Nothing says, ‘I love you,’ like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.”

And without really knowing it, I have applied the same language to any man in my life. Because *I* need and value it, I figure they will too. When in fact their love language may well be anything but the need for time and attention to be lavished upon them..

Not sure how this new found awareness will help me, but I guess if I apply it to my relationship with Mr New .. Knowing about his need for touch as well as his desire for freedom and excitement with a non-clingy mate – then at the very least it will prevent me from overwhelming him with stuff that *I* think he wants, but that he could give 2 hoots about.

Sheesh@ hard work .. Tell me again, why do we keep at this relationship bizzo?

Er .. Don’t look now but there’s a man .. Crying .. In my bedroom!

I’m gonna guess that every woman who’s ever done the dating thing has probably had a date just like this before. You know – the one with the cute guy .. The cute guy that you made cry ..

No? Just me?!?
Aw crap!

I have to say (in my defence) that I do not think I am an overly mean or unkind person. Sure, I’d definitely not fit the category of “super nice” but I’m not the most ball-busting kinda girl you ever met either. Well.. Maybe at work .. but in my personal life, I’m a complete sap ..

So to find myself in the situation of having a crying man in my bedroom was a little .. disconcerting .. to say the least!

During a dating phase (that lead to the series of dating disasters posts) a friend introduced cute guy and I via email.. We lived a few hundred miles away from each other and spent a few weeks exchanging some quite fun emails til the day came when we decided to meet up.

As per my “impatient female” thing, I like to meet fairly quickly when doing the online thing. Simply because I find things can move faster online and if there’s no chemistry in real life – tis best both parties know this!

Which perhaps segways neatly to another thing that always perplexes me – How some people seem so much funner electronically, than they are in real life!?

So anyway this guy duly rocks up to my town .. On the train. Which I did find kinda weird, but figured ..actually I don’t remember, it was a long time ago now. All I remember is thinking it was weird! That said, I picked him up at the station and we came back to my place where we sat and talked for awhile.. a long while.

Or so it felt, because O H  M Y  G O D this man was stultifyingly boring..

Every conversation I started was killed within a few short sentences. Every single door (conversational) slammed shut .. it was the most bewildering few hours ever spent!

But I’m no quitter. I boxed on! After all, the guy had uh, trained here from a few hours away and I felt I owed him something .. Or I’m a dreamer and just hoped it’d get better .. !?

Now maybe this next bit makes me a hussy but we’d covered a bit of ground during our chats before meeting and the concept of him coming to stay was something I was comfortable with.

And so, when evening fell and we made our way to the boudoir it’s fair to say I was .. bemused by how things went..

He stepped out of the en-suite and presented himself fully clad .. in flannel pajamas. Hot, I know..

Now I have to say I don’t believe I have EVER met a man who doesn’t happily disport himself about the place naked. You just seem totally cool with all your bits hanging out. So to be met by a man primly standing, book in hand (I know, right?) in his jimjams at the foot of my bed was .. weird.

Let’s roll with weird as today’s adjective.

I won’t go into gory details but let’s just say that our evening of “fun” together was akin to .. a 78yr married couple, I’d guess. Actually, maybe there’d be more wheezing and panting with that couple?

Hell it was awkward. Weird, even!

Next morning, in my attempt to ascertain what had gone wrong, I just upped and asked. “Dude, where’s your manhood?” Ok ok I didn’t say that but I’d guess from his response that I said that for all the words I uttered were slightly less harsh ..

And so it is you suddenly have me standing clad in appropriately (for the weekend I thought we’d planned!?) skimpy red lingerie, bemused, confused .. And frustrated to all heck – with a crying man in my living room.

To prove I am not completely awful.. once he had his lil cry by my clothesline (mm there was a storm out and cry … followed by me coming out to go “WTF?”) I very kindly dropped him back at the train station and bade him  ..

Farewell.

Speed kills?

So the other day I was whining about how my issues (and need for speed!) could be a big part of what jeopardise/s my relationships and I received a huge range of comments & advice – which is, of course, because we’re all different in our requirements & issues!

Since then I’ve thought about it and realise that maybe I actually just need to re-define what slow is, and in doing so I may then learn not to freak out, fret and / or $#@! things up.

Cos really, I am not sure things are going that slow, for all I’m bitching that they are. It’s just different to how other relationships have gone for me.. And let’s face it .. they’re (the other relationships) plain gone, so maybe this whole new (slow) deal is a positive improvement.. ?

Let’s look at the facts:

Mr New has been in my world for 1 month now. Wooo long term here we come (snort) …

My attempted cynicism aside – in that time he’s been away for 2 weeks and he has a job that keeps him very busy. Combine that with my busy life and you have the opportunity for this newly diagnosed “needy” chick to feel very anxious!

But most of the time I have to say I am not anxious, I’m really enjoying what we’ve got going on and this is largely due to the fact that he doesn’t give me much chance (or need) to feel anxious. For all he’s perhaps unaware he’s even doing such a thing!

At the same time, I do want to take some of the credit here because I am working very hard to not lay my previous “issues” / stuff on him and to instead roll with it and enjoy myself in this new experience..

Heck, how can I be stressed out really?

We’re on a daily contact (in some way, shape or form) deal – which works fabulously for someone of my love language (that pretty much says I am high maintenance / needy!)

Oh sure they pretty it up by saying that I “value” what they refer to as “Quality time” .. but whatever .. “needy clingy witch” also comes to mind

But the fact remains that for all he’s away a lot and busy and we have lives that could easily not intersect helluvanoften (today’s new word) we’re more than managing the connection. And since I am trying to follow his lead, I’m letting HIM do the chasing, letting him maintain a level of contact he is comfortable with ..

And I can’t fault him, I just can’t.

Classic example: As I type this he’s en route Europe for work. And I’ve heard from him at every place where he has wireless internet.. ! Initially I wondered, was I being too available (as I am prone to be!) by always responding to his texts, calls or emails – but ya know what people?

I cannot ignore someone who’s giving me what I want, that’s just .. rude, in my book. To say nothing of stupid. I mean heck, he is doing something I need and enjoy – why the hell wouldn’t I acknowledge and thereby (probably) encourage it to continue?

So Edward, I’m kinda taking your advice of “don’t go slow you stupid woman!” (OK I’m paraphrasing ever so slightly) but I am also trying to temper it with my new found “go a bit slower than is normal” thing.

And it’s working a treat

Sure, no one can know what may come of any new relationship but for this impatient, needy female – I’ve decided to just relax and enjoy it. And for all I’ve said these words many times before, I actually mean them now ..

Amazing how that level of confidence in someone (by virtue of their actions) can totally alter how you feel about a situation huh!

May you have a happy weekend .. 

Whichever lane you’re in!

Loving .. By the rules

So I’m finding it .. fascinating .. holding back. Being mindful of what I say. Working at controlling what I do – in these early days with Mr New. Fascinating because it’s not something I’ve ever bloody done before, for a start! Ok maybe that should read challenging..?

I guess mostly it’s because I’m having to fundamentally change how I “normally” would act i.e.: it’s a very conscious activity for me to engage in..  As I said – quite a challenge!

I’m also finding it fascinating being around a man who must have read the damn rule book! A man who – although quite lovely – is at the same time oh-so cautious with his statements / emotions.

Sooo.. do we have a horribly bad blend or something that may develop into something good over time? Time will tell, huh!

I think it’s fair to say we’re both enjoying each other’s company. I get the feeling I am right up there when it comes to “stuff he’s into right now” .. of course since I’m being mindful and not asking forward questions I don’t know this for sure .. And he isn’t saying ..

My assessment is based solely on the timing of when I hear from him in conjunction with whatever else I know he has on.. For example – holidays with sporadic net access aside – since coming back we’ve spent both evenings together and he’s made contact within 30 minutes (or less) of finishing work.

Is this how it’s done, people? We’re meant to guess and wonder as opposed to ask and know where we stand in these early days .. ? Man it’s weird .. Ah well, I’m giving it my best shot.

Unlike drunken text recipient, we’ve not gone anywhere or done anything amazing, we’re just hanging out together. And laughing, there’s always laughter – which is kinda neat.

Somewhat bizarrely, considering how “cool” we’re being about statements that may scare the other off – we’ve more than skirted around the issue of maybe taking a holiday together later in the year (I say bizarrely cos we’ve not said anything remotely related to “I like you” but we’re going on holiday?!)

I guess this is the whole “actions speak louder than words” deal and I’ve just gotta get the hell over the fact my very close 2nd love language was “words of affirmation” and enjoy the fact that right now Mr New is doing rather well in what was the top love language of mine: “Quality time”.

And in the meantime, I need to keep biting my tongue and following his lead – instead of diving in too deep, too fast and (for all I can swim reasonably well) eventually drowning..

SURPRISE!

OMG, Mr New came home a day earlier than he told me and surprised me just now with a beautiful bunch of white lilies (He listens! I vaguely recall once mentioning to him that they were my fave flowers) and a text message timed as the delivery was being made, to say: “I’m back, did ya miss me?”

Wanna know what really annoys me about this?

The thrill that I felt when I opened the card and saw who they were from. That stupid-assed grin that hasn’t yet been wiped off my face. That slightly giddy sense of wonder.. that he actually did something this lovely for me. 

And the fact that I acted like a complete wanker while he was away, in that I actually wasted energy worrying that I’d never see or hear from him again.
*sigh*

I was feeling very anxious this morning, no denying it. The fact is I knew he’d be out of contact because he told me so. But that didn’t stop me from being a dick and worrying. Aint baggage grand .. !

Ah well, at least I was able to internalise (or blogalise, as the case was) my stupidity instead of laying it on him or I am willing to bet I’d have received something quite different to flowers on his return ..

Being too available

I realised this week that I become utterly and completely insecure in the early days of a relationship. And to say this irritates me is an understatement!

It dawned on me today that – because of my aversion to being “abandoned” or left wondering – I try my hardest to never do this to any man in my life.

And so it is you will find me carrying my phone on me 24/7.

I get my emails and texts instantly. So he texts me,I text straight back. He emails, I email back immediately. He logs into skype – I’m logged in too..  He calls, I’ll break my neck to answer.

I’m always “available”.

And if I should happen to actually miss a call, then as soon as I realise – I’m all over it like a cheap suit, frantically calling in an attempt to fix the ‘breakdown’ in comms that took place .. because heaven forbid he should experience what I loathe, after all!

Aren’t I nice?
Yeah except for 2 things ..

1. He probably doesn’t actually object to my not replying within 0.04 seconds to every single communique he sends. And he’s probably clever enough to realise there will be times when I cannot answer the phone. It’s called “life” .. And I could just be allowed to have one..

And worse;

2. I suspect that my actions potentially devalue me in his eyes.. Because as we all know: the more scarce the commodity, the more sought after it is.

And so as we head into day 13 of Mr New’s holiday, of no time spent together and sporadic (at best!) comms – I feel this neat thrill at having recognised a pattern problem for me.

Sure, I may not know quite how to stop it from rearing its ugly head, but I figure at least if I’m aware of it, then hopefully progress can be made

Baggage & Dating

In earlier posts I’ve talked about how past relationships can impact current ones. Well the true extent of MY baggage has really hit home this past 2 weeks as Mr New has been out of the country and I’ve been left behind (to stew in my own mind.. )

Never a pretty place to be

I knew full well he’d be busy, because he’d told me in detail what he was planning. A ski trip with 3 pals planned many months before he met me. As I have said before, he’s very open and communicative – which I love!

On any given day I know where he will be and when - but even so - I have had more than a couple of dejected moments since his departure 10 days ago ..
And it’s retarded.

IN my defence (oh yeah here we go .. ) he did say “I’ll email you tomorrow” when he left me the evening before his flight to the USA. And he did not email me ‘tomorrow’. In fact, I didn’t hear from him for 3 days!

Sure, I could have called him but I was trying to be cool, so shuddup k

Something funny, before I carry on – is the fact that I googled his star sign a few days earlier .. I am unsure quite what I think of astrology but some aspects of it really do seem to stack up. And in this case, based on some of the conversations he and I have had, I’d have to say the astrology site I was on had it nailed!

By now you all know I’m a bit of a nerd. So this next bit won’t surprise you – I actually scribbled down a few key statements, in regard to what I’ve learned (and read) about the things that he values or needs… or dislikes!

And it’s sitting here on my desk:

So when I am frustrated or wondering or worrying, I glance over to that piece of paper, read it and go “Calm the $#@! down, woman” .. This in turn assists me to switch my rational brain back into gear (and stops me from becoming aforementioned crazy lady!)

But back to the radio silence since his departure..

Why, when I had been TOLD it would be infrequent, did I immediately start to feel anxious and bummed out that I hadn’t heard from him? Why can’t I just accept that he’s busy (skiing, drinking and being an idiot with close mates – as planned!) and that he’s not in fact abandoned me and that he will be back?

i.e why is it so hard for me to believe that everything will be okay?

That insecurity really pisses me off!

By the time he did email me, I was convinced he’d met at least 13 women and was making plans to run away with them all. Yes, I’m THAT stupid. Bite me.

Now I have to say this – his email was brief but perfect: “Hello gorgeous”. Can’t beat that for a salutation It went on to explain the lack of contact, a few flight issues, car problems in snowstorms and a little about how amazing the slopes and skiing was. He closed by saying he missed me and hoped I was doing okay and would skype me as soon as he could.

The email was signed casually but just right: his name and “x”.

It’s embarrassing to admit how much of a thrill that short email gave me. Suffice to say I was very pleased .. And may have read it more than once

But then I didn’t hear from again for 4 more days ..  and in those 4 days he had run off with another 13 whores women from the ski slopes and was never going to talk to me ever again..

I know!
WTF?

*bangs my head on my desk*

Even as I write this I roll my eyes and go “c’mon you stupid woman” .. And if it was a pal in my shoes, I’d be saying “get over it, sheesh he’s having his boy holiday, he’s contacted you a couple of times as promised – consider yourself bloody well honoured”.

So why can’t I accept it for myself?

Of course, I can accept it and I have .. but for all that, it pisses me off no end that I experience these feelings of insecurity and doubt when I so totally don’t need to. Such a waste of energy!

Ah hell who sez I have to be rational all the time, right?
*grumbles*

Speed dating

Below is an actual email I received from someone off the dating website: Connecting singles. This guy had sent me 1 message saying “hi” and I duly responded with “Hi back” or something equally as scintillating .. Obviously my “play hard to get” ploy worked and his somewhat .. uh, enthusiastic (?) response is pasted below for your .. bemusement..

Where do I find them.. or HOW do they all find me, more to the point .. Sheesh! To make it easier to read I have inserted the occasional space, his original didn’t have any – which kinda made me want to stab myself in the eyes as I read it! Aren’t I good to you lot?

Read on:

Hi Dear,

I would like to use this privilege to tell you more about myself.

Well, my dad was originally from Aberdeen, United Kingdom but he nationalize in Switzerland where we use as our permanent home.

We spent most of our time in Switzerland and  my daughter and my mum lives there too, I grew up in different countries, I grew up in communist Bulgaria, but I’m happy because I had great childhood. I see how my parents love each other, and Presently I came to Aberdeen alone I speak with a Bulgarian accent, I hope you like this?

Because, when I came to this country I only spoke two words..

Thank I show my personality by working hard, for this reason, people respect me.

I will like to tell you more about myself but where do i start from okay,, United Kingdom.

I am the only son of my family and was born and brought up in a devoted christian family. I married but my wife passed away in an accident,

It all happened to me just like a dream. I have one daughter and she is 10 years old now. Her name is Tina, hope you will love her?.

I will like to talk about my job,i work in a ship and am the director of operations.

And my duties is to Act in the best interests of the company and in good faith at all times.

Prepares proposals for support of ship operations and for the acquisition of shipboard equipment and shipboard scientific equipment.

Recommends and implements policies pertaining to marine personnel and vessel operation. Maintains records of vessel utilization, structures, and regulatory and inspecting agency compliance. .

I would like to open up my heart to you, but I may lack the skill, or I’m short  for words, because my heart harbors so many good feelings towards you, that the dictionary seems to short to express all this,

My late father was a devoted christian and a philanthropist also a full time international contractor based in Asia, (Engineer) He worked in various ministries and organizations in the past and assisted many christian organizations both spiritually and financially.

Before enclosing this message, I would like to let you know that distance has nothing to do with our Friendship as long as god is there with us. I can come and meet with you wherever you are or will have you invited here. It may interest you to know that I prefer one-on-one conversation.

I am really interested in wanting to know about what makes you the special person you are today, I want to know more about your family,your background, your life experiences, past relationships, your goals and dreams, your interests, and anything else you want to tell me.

I even want to learn about the secrets you very rarely share with someone!.

So come on and share it all with me,about your country and what you working as ?

this is my cell phone no +447017962156,i will like to have some of your pictures and your cell phone number too.Well, remain blessed until I hear from you.

Your sincerely,

Dennis

So, dear readers I do hope you will all attend the wedding?

I’m sure it will be soon, if the speed he operates is anything to go by?
*grins*

I don’t WANT to grow up!

My 30th birthday was spent at a local water (theme) park with a small group of friends.. we packed a picnic lunch incl. gallons of bubbles and rode the water slides, dive bombed into the pools, swam, laughed (probably terrorised a large number of small children) and generally forgot to act our age.

Unbeknownst to me, another group of friends and my parents / family were busy organising a big party so this was just a way of keeping me out of the way til the party .. Is it so bad to admit that I preferred my day on the water more than I did the party, the speeches .. and having to wear a bra on my horribly fried shoulders?

Some years on and I’m unsure if I should be offended by the number of times I am asked my age. I realise it’s probably because I do not often ACT my age, therefore people genuinely are unsure. It wasn’t until I was 40 that I decided to just take pride in this, as opposed to worrying about it or thinking maybe I should change.

You see the problem is that so many old people / growns up are dull, old and well, old..!

I realise we all have to age but who sez we have to grow old in the normal sense of the word?!

I am fortunate to enjoy a reasonably large and varied circle of friends. People who range in age from early 20′s to 60′s which works well .. So I can always find a group to go do something with, whether it’s a stupid idea like bungy jumping off a bridge, dining out some place nice, attending a concert or going on a holiday somewhere fun.

As well, we’ve already established via previous posts that I’m a cougar. I loathe that term passionately, by the way. It’s MY experience that the “boys” chase us older women – therefore surely I’m just an old .. woman with ..  a younger  .. man. Hmm, okay.. cougar’s doing it for me now..

*grumble*

All jesting aside, I really do not have any desire to grow up! Sure, I can act my age fine .. after all – I hold down a job with reasonable success .. but the whole notion of acting my age alllll the time really just doesn’t do it for me.

And anyway: WHO determines what a woman of 43 is supposed to act like?

If I have to give growing older a positive spin I’d say that at 43 I have the wisdom, money and maturity to handle most situations better than I did at age 23. It’s an evolution, I guess..

For example: at age 33 I was wise enough to know that I was too old to be stumbling around the city in a drunken haze like I may have done (only occasionally, mind!) when aged 23 .. Now my friends and I have parties at private venues so no one can see us failing to act our age

Hmm.. not sure quite why this topic came to mind today, perhaps it’s because I heard about the woman in New York  who died out and about at age 95! I found that story quite inspiring .. Sure as hell beats sitting in a retirement home with a knitted woobie blanket on your frail knees, waiting to die .. and worse: surrounded by people doing exactly the same!

Or maybe it’s just cos I’m hungover and very much feeling my age?

Must be time to go get a drink and perk up before the big party tonight huh!

Ramblings from the slow lane

I woke this morning at 4am, 1st thing I wasn’t overly thrilled by! Rolled over only to have my head remind me of the one-too-many drinks consumed last evening: 2nd thing that didn’t impress!

Realised the cat was using me as a pincushion .. owtch.. item #3. Listened to the not-so-musical sound of a discarded can being carried along by the breeze on the street below. Ah, so that is what woke me ..

Hmm, 4 things that pissed me off .. And it was only 4am..! I’m scared to think how damn cranky I will be by 12 o’clock!?

Do you know when I was a kid I used to fret about where the apostrophe went in o’clock? Looking back it seems such a simple thing but when I was first in school, gosh it used to worry me getting it wrong. I spent a lot of my childhood worrying.

Could be something to do with being born into a very loving, strict but “driven” family. I never quite managed to attain (or maintain, if I did occasionally get it right) the required standard .. luckily I worry about that less as I get older

It’s cloudy today and this pisses me off. Not the least cos it’s:

I always feel a little cheated if it’s not fine on the weekend but also I’ve got a party to attend this evening, my best friend’s engagement party! Hundreds of people in attendance and my new party frock, purchased specially for the occasion, would really look a lot more apt on a sunny day. So could everyone please cross everything that the sun burns the clouds away? Ta ..

Does poor service get up your nose? It does mine. I don’t understand the work ethic a lot of people hold these days. Or fail to hold, as is more the case. Keep up will you? LOL You see, last night I was out with a few friends and the place we were at is frightfully de-rigueur. Everyone who’s anyone was there. Oh, plus me and my pals!

A lovely setting, beautiful food, amazing wine / cocktails list: the whole thing was done well by the people with the concept .. But when it came to delivery?  Haphazard, at best. It must be so frustrating to have to rely on others to deliver your concept. I know I couldn’t do it..

Case in point: (Or several, really – cos our waitress failed to deliver on many counts!) Sure, she was busy but hell-o, bring a champagne bottle to the table without an ice filled bucket? Whatever. Cool, she remembered and bought us one eventually, but isn’t that just 1.01 service, it’s not like we asked for anything special.. ?

I loathe poor service with a passion. There, I said it! For all I know I’d make a rubbish waitress (way too many laps begging for hot soup or heads begging for cold drinks on ‘em!) I kinda have this thing that if you’re going to do something – why not do it well?

Do you worry about the future of mankind? I do ..

I just don’t see how this soft society we’re developing is going to have what it takes to not fuck over the planet in a short frame of time.. I was immensely peeved this week to read an article about a teenager who was trying to sue his school for being treated badly.

A) the sensationalist article was a classic example of the dross “journalism” displayed by so many in that industry now and B) the kid was “distressed” because he’d been told he couldn’t come to school with lime green mohawk styled hair.

Sure, we all know I have a bit of a thing about lime green *grins* But ya know what, kid? Get the hell over yourself. The school you are in has a dress code, deal with it. Cos you know what? At some point it’s possible you’re gonna have to deal with the fact that some restaurants or clubs may not let you in if you’re not wearing a tie or some workplaces may expect you not to look like an unwashed leftover from the 70′s..

Assuming you can get to through the interview without becoming distressed at all the ‘tricky’ questions the nasty company asked you, of course .. *rolls my eyes*

What really annoyed me was his parents were also making like they were offended by the school’s stance. Did they not read the paperwork when they signed precious wee Johnny into the school?  Him and his parents need a boot applied rhythmically to their behinds.

And since I’m on the whole random rant thing – I’ve decided I really really don’t like those cats with the flattened ears. They just look kinda .. creepy, somehow ..

On a plus note, (assuming you’ve not given up on me for being a complete grouch in today’s post) I do believe I’ve run outta stuff to whinge about! Oh to have nothing but first world problems Enjoy your weekend everyone!