that I give too much.. Care too much.. Fall in love too deeply.. Trust too easily. I’m a hopeless romantic (read: I’m pathetic) Yes, people - it seems that I have a slight tendency to don rose coloured specs when it comes to affairs of the heart.
Which kind of annoys me.
By day I’m a fairly successful business woman: Feared by some, loathed by others. Respected. Maybe even a little well-known. But also probably thought of as a calculating, heartless bitch (by some, anyway) ..
Personally, I believe this is because I am rational, logical and calm. Therefore by not displaying “emotions” I am labelled mean & awful. That said, those who take the time to know me end up very loyal and I have long term relationships with many people that I have managed / worked with over my career.
However, the whole hopeless (hapless, maybe?) romantic thing worries me..
I should back up. You see, I’ve spent some time with a very dear friend this weekend. Out of town, having some gal-pal fun .. and between the champagne and food – we talked, as woman do .. tis fair to say she is unable to comprehend my beliefs and attitudes to relationships as am I hers.
Sadly, she’s been cheated on a few times in her (love) life. I never have. Viz she distrusts men and / or expects all her relationships to fail.
Me – I fall hard (and fast, it seems) but am utterly devastated when they fail. Because for all I am not entirely sure I get what love is or how a relationship should be .. I do know that I want to be one half of something fabulous. And even if I end a relationship, I’m hurt and upset because for me – something huge .. that I invested in .. didn’t pan out.
I’m unsure which is worse..
She’s engaged to be married. I’m single having ended an 8yr relationship recently.. I’m keeping my options open and wondering what life holds. She’s engaged and fretting over what life may hold. For all I am pretty sure she hopes it will be fabulous.
All of which takes me back to the ‘hopeless’ statement above .. (It’s not an adjective I like to be associated with!) Can someone love too much or is that just some sort of excuse for .. I don’t know what, actually ..
Cos really .. I think I’d actually be ok being loved too much .. What am I missing here?
To combat the sense you all have, following the recent dating disasters trilogy, that I am hapless (and hopeless!) in love - I thought I would reminisce back over some of my more fun dating experiences.
OOOOOOOH where to begin!?
There was the man who took me on a helicopter flight to his fave restaurant in another part of the country. That was exciting.
Shame he wasn’t (shoot I’m meant to be being positive my bad) he was.. sweet, but duller than a stack of bricks. And had a weird foot fetish I discovered on date 2 after a tussle involving my heels and his tongue. Most uncool.
Damn .. disasters are so much more prevalent lol
I think the problem here is for me a success doesn’t have to be any given thing, event or formula. I don’t need an expensive or trendy place. I don’t need lots of money spent. Or to have to get dolled up. Sometimes the simpler things are funner.
So there’s the guy I have an on / off thing with and have done for years – we’ll go for a drive, get fish and chips and sit on the beach to eat them whilst talking total rubbish, feeding the gulls and watching the sunset. It’s awesome..
Then there was the nipple piercing guy who did amazing things on a trampoline. Yes. I was involved .. and stayed involved for a year or more ..
Oh this theme sucks.
It’d be so much funner to tell you about the man I made cry, one time. As he stood in his flannel PJs in my bedroom. Not one of my finer moments but .. I’d do it again in the same situation.
Or the guy who lost his license coming to see me from his town a few hours away. So when he got here I had to drive us everywhere. We had a disagreement whilst driving in the car so I got out and walked off leaving him unable to drive in his car, watching his date disappear around the corner.
And the one who threw up on my shoes, yeah that was a classy evening, for sure ..
Geez this dating thing is hard work.. Please remind me, why do we put ourselves through this?
A friend asked me today what it is about me that *I* thought men would like. Of course, this bought about the expected response of “I have boobs, duh” but then it dawned on us that for all I maybe had ideas of what I wanted in a man, I didn’t really know what I was offering.
Does this matter? Do I need to know what I bring in order to then bring about a better relationship? We couldn’t answer that last bit but it is something to think about .. however, over a wine or 3, we sat and talked about the attributes / traits that I have which we thought may appeal to a potential mate.
It was kinda weird doing this. But here’s the list we came up with:
Loyalty – I am ferociously loyal to those I care about.
Honesty – You will always know where you stand with me.
Intelligence – Not something that appeals to all men I know, but it’s on offer.
Independent – I think this is one that puts guys off but it’s a big part of how I am.
Sense of humour - Somewhat wicked, very quick and probably mightily annoying lol
Sexy. I think we were on our 5th wine when we got to this one but I am. I love sex and need / enjoy closeness with my mate.
Hard working – Both in my personal and professional life.
I dislike the phrase easy going because someone who is as passionate as I am, with control freak tendencies cannot be easy going. But I’m .. Calm . steadfast. I loathe dramas.. But if I get mad, watch out! Actually just leave me alone for 5 minutes and I’ll get over myself.
I can cook better than most. Of course, there’s the boobs.
And I have 2!
Oh and I can shoot to kill, change a car tyre and parallel park. 1st time, every time .. I’m grateful for a Dad who was determined his baby was not going to be one of ‘those’ girls.
I guess what we’ve done is listed the things I cannot change, therefore it’s more of a “like it or lump it” list isn’t it lol
“I disappear into the person I love .. I am your permeable membrane .. if I love you, you can have it all .. <snip> I will give you all this and more until the only way I can recover is by becoming infatuated with someone else..”
Life in the slow lane last night saw me watching a movie the name of which eludes me but it had Julia Roberts drifting around trying to find herself in Europe.
Now this movie pissed me off for a number of reasons not the least being the fact that the rest of us have to “find ourselves” during the evenings after work, or whilst being single parents or whatever. Poor baby in Roma.. !
But also I get the feeling she did still love her husband and that they get back together before the movie ends. I dunno.. I stopped watching it part way when I realised it was putting me off my tea.
However, for all I criticise the movie, the lines I’ve quoted below made me actually rewind to listen again.
I disappear into the person I love. Translation: I stop being me.. I am swallowed up into your world. I am not important, you are. I’m lost but in love. I love it but I hate it ..?
If I love you, you can have it all. Translation: This one confuses me. You can have what all? Me? My heart, my devotion, my adoration .. ? My self worth .. ? What do you think this line means?
I will give you this and more til I become bored. Translation: I’m right, in altering this one yes?Infatuation indicates it wasn’t love, right? So the entire sentence is bollocks really.
But the key message is: What I offer (i.e.: what I DO of my own volition) is unsustainable and I can’t maintain it so I end things and go find someone else to lavish all my love and attention on. Whether the poor bastard is ready for it, wants it or can take it!
I think the 1st and last lines really resonated with me when I think about my relationship history. I do get lost in my man when I think I love him. It’s all consuming. I’m like a spotty 19yo virgin who’s just dying to meet Mr Right, do the white picket fence, labrador, 2.5 kids, cup cakes and happily ever after.
Problem is I get bored because I pick the wrong guy? I get bored because he isn’t feasibly able to sustain the amount of attention I seek in exchange for what I give him even tho he didn’t even want or need what I gave him?
Somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind a light bulb is starting to flicker .. I need to think on this some more cos I think Julia may just have helped me stumble across one of the things that fucks up so many of my relationships ..
Make a new plan Stan – done. No need to be coy, Roy – OK. Drop off the key, Lee (It’s my key, damnit) Just get yourself free - Sorted! Those who regularly read my dribble will know that I really, really struggled with telling my partner of 8 or so years that we were over.
In ‘break-ups past’ I would make use of lines such as “I need to be by myself right now”, “I’ve got to leave town for work” (very handy that one – but only use it if they’re wedded to their job or they may offer to up stakes too! I’ve had that situation arise before – very tricky!)
Then there’s the old standby: ”It’s not you, it’s me”.. I have to admit, that one pisses me off when it’s used on me, cos ya know there’s no arguing it .. that’s the most simple break up line ever!
The break up scenario that I hate the most, and the one we’ve all experienced I am sure – is the “drop off the planet” method. They simply stop contacting you. Never return your calls.. you never hear from them again just “all of a sudden”.
Leaving you to wonder wtf went wrong, what you did wrong. Dazed, confused and wondering why, why, why!? Moving on from those relationships is, in my experience, one of the hardest to do. We should all make a pact and never ever do it to anyone, ever again. Do unto others, etc?
Anyway, in the case of this break up – I knew I couldn’t use any of my standard lines. I felt he “deserved” better. I wanted to be thoughtful but firm. Not give any hope, but not be harsh or cruel.
As it turns out, breaking up with someone who didn’t see it coming is harsh and cruel but I was trying to do the best I could, given the circumstances.
I rehearsed 11 different speeches, all of which sucked. I contemplated sending an email or text (unforgiveable, in my view!). Heck, I even toyed with dropping off the planet. Cowardly, was perhaps the best way to describe how I was feeling as I went into this break up!
In the end I went with “It’s not working, you have to see this?” (then quickly - before he started to reply to my question) I went for the “bandaid off in one hit” approach, and said: “I don’t love you any more“.
That line proved to be really helpful, in hindsight. Because WHO wants to be with someone that doesn’t love them? Sure – we may not want to break up, but deep down we don’t want to be with someone who’s not that into us.
As harsh as the words “I don’t love you” are, they left NO room for false hope, they let him see that I was serious and I was able to extricate myself without too much emotional trauma at that time.
Of course, he recovered his composure once the shock wore of and sent a few heart wrenching emails in the hours that followed but I was travelling, so luckily was able to ignore them.
And as harsh as that sounds: ignoring them meant he moved into the “#!@*%! you” stage quickly and we were able to progress into “Now what do we do”, the practicalities of breaking up almost a decade of life together.
So, for all that I was sensitive, the reality is that during any break up: one half of the couple is turning the other’s world upside down – it hurts and there will be dramas.
If only we could step away from our own feelings of hurt and distress when we are dumped and remember times when we’ve dumped someone and how hard it was for us, maybe all splits would be simpler?
Yeah, right .. who am I kidding
Breaking up is hard to do.
It occurred to me yesterday that if I am to have any luck (luck is probably the correct adjective too!) finding a man who will be able to put up with me and with whom I won’t become frustrated, bored or “over”, then I need to do a little bit of soul searching and sort some stuff out.
So I started by thinking about the 4 long term relationships I’ve had. I didn’t bother with the 1-night stand / short term kinda guys. They served a purpose but are more of a fun thing than a long term thing (or are they .. hmm might have to delve into that next post!)
I then started to think about any common denominators that existed in my relationships .. Other than ME, that is..!
I don’t have an age “issue”. Last guy was 11yrs my junior.. Guy before him was the same age as me. Guy before him 7yrs older than me etc I do find myself preferring younger men to perv at in the streets / clubs, but then again: I have been smitten by men charging up to age 50 as well. So yeah: Age doesn’t matter.
3 of the 4 were incredible in the sack. The last one so bad it was surreal. Not really a pattern there. After all: I ended it with guys who were good or bad in bed, for all I prefer them to be good!
2 were struggling financially or at best: getting by OK. 1was loaded. 1 was going to become wealthy, he just needed a little more time to get there. Money, for all I like it: not a driver. As I said once before: I can make my own and lots of it, thankfully.
Now I think on it, one common theme – they all had “issues” (of differing kinds) with their parents .. But who the hell doesn’t? Parents are a pain in the ass, let’s be honest *grin* I always said I’d be the worst kinda mother as I’d want to be waaaay too involved. Imagine the headcase son or daughter *I* would procure!
Not sure the parent thing is significant, do you think it could be?
1 was a smoker, 1 was not, 1 was a drinker, 1 was not. 1 was a geek, 1 was a party boy, 1 liked cats, 1 hated them. 1 was dark haired, another blond .. no common themes emerging except “they’re all different”, right?
Hmm OK so this isn’t really helpful at all. Next plan, anyone??
So I told him it was over in June. Took my 2 cats and left town. In ‘response’ to this bombshell (and it was a bombshell, he had no idea we were rubbish, it turns out) he sent a few heart wrenching “wtf?” emails.
Then he got mad.. They were entertaining, in a sad sort of way.. And we’re now in the “negotiating, without losing face” phase.
Losing face my arse.. Negotiations mean someone ALWAYS loses. Win/win is simply when one gives a bit more but pretends they don’t care. Oooo I sound so ballsy.. I like it. If only .. *grins*
Going back to the whole “total shock” thing when I told him I was ending it all.. In hindsight, maybe I should have given a few clues before ending things.
I know! I could have told him a woman doesn’t orgasm from having her ear sucked (badly, at that .. ) Lesson learned there girls: Do not make sympathetic noises when you’re wondering wtf he’s doing. He’ll latch onto that ear (or whatever) for the rest of your relationship!
Turns out sympathetic (and surprised!) noises are very similar to “mmM oh baby don’t stop” noises. Who knew.
I couldn’t really slap his head away from my ear and push his head South tho, could I? Meh, maybe I should have. I bloody well know to, from now tho!
And while I’m being critical, maybe I could let him know that him “finishing” (to be delicate) in less than 60 seconds (on a good day) is neither normal, acceptable nor ‘fantastic’. Pick your adjective..
Christ, we’d have ‘sex’ (there is no other word for it.. it was just dreadful) and 1.2 minutes after we started, while he was showering .. well, let’s just say I’d have to take matters into my own .. hands. I’ve never had as bad a lover as this before and I’ve had uh .. my share
I’d like the medal now thank you very much, cos remember - we were together for just over 8 freaking years!
Last I checked a woman in her 30′s is in her peak, sexually. Without wanting to gross out my adoring fans *snort* I love sex. What’s not to love? OK .. babies.. You got me there .. but anyway .. sex, when done well? Ohh baby! er I mean “oh wow!” ($#@!* babies!)
The problem is when you have sex infrequently (I just couldn’t stand to be fumbled over by him so would come up with all manner of excuses! Not tonight dear, the sun is in uranus and I can’t orgasm when the planets aren’t aligned .. nor can I orgasm when we have sex cos you have no clue what you’re doing..) but the problem then is it doesn’t exactly get any better on the “speed” stakes, if you get my drift so he was on a hiding to nothing and I was left frustrated beyond comprehension.
As I was saying, maybe if I’d let on to him through the relationship the times when I was not happy with things .. the times when I wanted to just smash something out of frustration (not just sexual!) or maybe told him how I was feeling .. then it wouldn’t have been such a shock to him when I ended it.
Instead he blithely went through 8 years thinking that all was well in our world.. And that he was a stud muffin lol
What’s so gutting is that a lot was well in our world. We had loads of money.. A beautiful home.. Good health. Good jobs. Great friends. In a beautiful part of the world where it’s impossible to not be happy. And much of the time with him was happy enough.
Except for one thing.. and herein lies the problem, folks!
I can have all that on my own.
And then I could probly go out and find myself a lover who knows the difference between a G spot and a wet spot..
So we’re back to my old question – why the hell do I continue to search for love .. or a long term / live together type of partner?
This morning I woke up in the middle of my king sized bed and on either side of me, 2 cats were nestled in purring. I had my hands resting, one on each cat. It was gorgeous..
I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel sad cos there was no man in my bed. There was no room, I give starfish a-whole new meaning hur hur
I knew when I got up I’d be able to walk down the hallway scratching my arse, hair a birds nest, go to the loo without having to shut the door or worry about ‘noises’.
I could continue my way into the kitchen, whinging to the cats about how tired I was. They always care .. (moreso before I feed them!)
So why do I – and so many of us – continue to hunt for a person to share our lives with? Sure, it’s instinct.
But really, it’s just .. silly to keep looking.
When the odds are that poor long suffering man who will tolerate (or better still: adore!) my foibles, who will not bore me, who will not find my confidence intimidating and who will wow me in all the ways I long to be wowed.. just.. does … not… exist.
Originally I started this blog to “dump” when things got too much, mentally. (And to prevent my friends from going “@!*%$! it’s her again.. I’ll let this one go to voicemail..”) As I navigated my way thru’ ending a long term relationship.
Lately however, I’ve used it to lament the fact that I think love is a pile of donkeyshit.. Could be I’m in the bitter/twisted phase of a relationship split?
Well let me bring you back up to date on the actual events associated with this split, as opposed to my mental state of mind, relating to this split.. Both are messy hah!
The ex and I bought a house together and renovated it extensively in our ‘early days’.
Maybe I shoulda known then? Neither of us are into this sort of thing, even remotely .. but it gave us something in common? Hmm.. Anyway we did enjoy it for the most part but especially I think we enjoyed having a beautiful home to show off, at the end of it.
In reality we had a house, not a home. Cos we were virtual strangers rattling around in it .. Something that grew worse with every passing year.
I wont go into details of our lives together but to say that he’s a night owl. I’m a morning person. I’d get up around 4am most days and happily potter around doing my own thing before heading to work.
He’d sleep late but stay up late. Working from home meant he could do his own thing.. We’d almost always eat dinner together, we’d cook and then eat together .. but when I think about it, we’d always flick the telly on, in recent years anyway.
In those early days we’d sit facing each other .. eating .. talking and just delighting in ‘being’ with each other.
What the hell changed!?
Clearly lots. Maybe it was me .. maybe it was him – probably it was both of us.
I can’t exactly pin-point the moment I realised it was on the downward slope .. us, that is. I just know that as we drifted further and further apart, I was okay with that happening .. And didn’t put any measures in place to stop it.
Is this when I should have suggested counselling?
I’ll be honest, counselling appeals to me about as much as poking a burning paint brush up my ass.
Just to be clear: I aspire to do neither!
I ask this question about counselling because I’ve been told off for not having some and for simply ending the relationship.
Simply, yuh huh it was SO simple. NOT! People who tend to make statements like that have never ever done it, least that has been my experience in this instance.
Problem is he’s a nice enough guy and everyone* loved him so I’m the villain – even to my own family. That really pisses me off but I will save that for a-whole-nother rant!
*Everyone except me. Bummer considering I was the one engaged to him huh.
PS I know, proofing before posting, that this actually isn’t an update on what I’ve been doing since the split it’s yet another rant, but oh well