The update you didn’t know you were waiting for

So I told him it was over in June. Took my 2 cats and left town. In ‘response’ to this bombshell (and it was a bombshell, he had no idea we were rubbish, it turns out) he sent a few heart wrenching “wtf?” emails.

Then he got mad.. They were entertaining, in a sad sort of way.. And we’re now in the “negotiating, without losing face” phase.

Losing face my arse.. Negotiations mean someone ALWAYS loses. Win/win is simply when one gives a bit more but pretends they don’t care. Oooo I sound so ballsy.. I like it. If only .. *grins*

Going back to the whole “total shock” thing when I told him I was ending it all..  In hindsight, maybe I should have given a few clues before ending things.

I know! I could have told him a woman doesn’t orgasm from having her ear sucked (badly, at that .. ) Lesson learned there girls: Do not make sympathetic noises when you’re wondering wtf he’s doing. He’ll latch onto that ear (or whatever) for the rest of your relationship!

Turns out sympathetic (and surprised!) noises are very similar to “mmM oh baby don’t stop” noises. Who knew.

I couldn’t really slap his head away from my ear and push his head South tho, could I? Meh, maybe I should have. I bloody well know to, from now tho!

And while I’m being critical, maybe I could let him know that him “finishing” (to be delicate) in less than 60 seconds (on a good day) is neither normal, acceptable nor ‘fantastic’. Pick your adjective..

Christ, we’d have ‘sex’ (there is no other word for it.. it was just dreadful) and 1.2 minutes after we started, while he was showering .. well, let’s just say I’d have to take matters into my own .. hands. I’ve never had as bad a lover as this before and I’ve had uh .. my share 😉

I’d like the medal now thank you very much, cos remember – we were together for just over 8 freaking years!

Last I checked a woman in her 30’s is in her peak, sexually. Without wanting to gross out my adoring fans *snort* I love sex. What’s not to love? OK .. babies.. You got me there .. but anyway .. sex, when done well? Ohh baby! er I mean “oh wow!” ($#@!* babies!)

The problem is when you have sex infrequently (I just couldn’t stand to be fumbled over by him so would come up with all manner of excuses! Not tonight dear, the sun is in uranus and I can’t orgasm when the planets aren’t aligned .. nor can I orgasm when we have sex cos you have no clue what you’re doing..) but the problem then is it doesn’t exactly get any better on the “speed” stakes, if you get my drift so he was on a hiding to nothing and I was left frustrated beyond comprehension.

As I was saying, maybe if I’d let on to him through the relationship the times when I was not happy with things .. the times when I wanted to just smash something out of frustration (not just sexual!) or maybe told him how I was feeling .. then it wouldn’t have been such a shock to him when I ended it.

Instead he blithely went through 8 years thinking that all was well in our world.. And that he was a stud muffin lol

What’s so gutting is that a lot was well in our world. We had loads of money.. A beautiful home.. Good health. Good jobs. Great friends. In a beautiful part of the world where it’s impossible to not be happy. And much of the time with him was happy enough.

Except for one thing.. and herein lies the problem, folks!

I can have all that on my own. 
And then I could probly go out and find myself a lover who knows the difference between a G spot and a wet spot..

So we’re back to my old question – why the hell do I continue to search for love .. or a long term / live together type of partner?


This morning I woke up in the middle of my king sized bed and on either side of me, 2 cats were nestled in purring. I had my hands resting, one on each cat. It was gorgeous..

I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel sad cos there was no man in my bed. There was no room, I give starfish a-whole new meaning hur hur

I knew when I got up I’d be able to walk down the hallway scratching my arse, hair a birds nest, go to the loo without having to shut the door or worry about ‘noises’. 

I could continue my way into the kitchen, whinging to the cats about how tired I was.  They always care .. (moreso before I feed them!)

So why do I – and so many of us – continue to hunt for a person to share our lives with? Sure, it’s instinct.

But really, it’s just .. silly to keep looking.

When the odds are that poor long suffering man who will tolerate (or better still: adore!) my foibles, who will not bore me, who will not find my confidence intimidating and who will wow me in all the ways I long to be wowed.. just.. does … not… exist.


About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on September 7, 2011, in Change, Hope, Humour, Life, Love, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. There’s no reason for putting up with crap sex… Ever!

What do you think? I'd love to hear from you ..

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: