“Forsooth, tis better to dump than be dumped..”

When I think back to some of the shorter relationships I’ve held down (the relationships, not the boys, ok!) I feel somewhat ashamed at my re/actions when things ended..

At this time, ya know what? Omigoodness they seemed 110% ok as far as reactions go ! It’s only now in the interests of being painfully honest with myself as I write this blog – do I go “omigawd” .. And want to hide from shame!

Take, for example: Jared.

OH MY but he was a hottie and I lusted for him beyond comprehension. Thoughts of that boy made me weak @ the knees. His smile made me quiver. Or melt.. Or both..

He was from one of the Suthern states of the US of A and had an accent that (especially when combined with his smile) could melt granite.

He was ex-military so had a body that was simply begging to be molested (by me, that is!) He called me Ma’am when I was cross with him. (Cos he knew it’d make me go all gooey) He treated me like a goddess.

He was a heady & sexy mix of apple pie, family 1st, honor and all that is adorable. In short: he was to-die-for.

Our relationship was amazing.

We spent every hour of the day and night together as and when we could. And we worked hard to get that time in! Nothing got in our way.. Or if it did, we both lamented it and made up for it by overdosing the next day.

Then one day, without warning he stopped returning my calls, my texts and my emails.

I never heard from him again.

Not thru lack of bloody trying though! I would have called his phone number approx. 285,969,90 times .. in the first day .. like I said “shameful!”

When I think about how I offer such goooood advice to friends of mine who are hurting because of some schlep male and his actions and I parrot out the old:

“You’re better off without him. You were too good for him. Obviously he wasn’t that into you. This is a good thing for all you can’t see it yet”.

The reality is, at the time – it doesn’t feel like you’re too good for them.. You’re not better off without them.  And as for him not being into me, well he freaking well was totally into me .. ’til he ditched my ass so SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT CHANGED!?

I think that’s the key isn’t it folks.
What the heck changed?

When that question is answered, somehow a break up is a little less painful. Somehow you can rationalise it and go “OK it didn’t work for X, Y and / or Z reasons, I can see that … ish .. ”

As you cry and stomp and sulk and fret and over-analyse and worry and generally feel your world crumbling around you..

I suspect this (and other unpleasant break ups I’ve experienced) could be one of the reasons why I end relationships ASAP I feel they’re losing their gloss. Everyone knows it’s better to be the dumper than the dumpee, after all.. right?

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on September 22, 2011, in Humour, Love, Optimism, Relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. This is kind of a theme in the story I’m going to post on my blog next week. I totally feel ya sister! Also, I love the font of your poem, makes me nostalgic for the days when the only fancy script Word had was in fact, Script. Could I have your permission to link to this page on my Blogroll?

  2. OK, I’m coming clean on this one. I hate to admit it but…I’ve been Jared. When I was younger there was nothing I loved more than getting a guy, especially a vulnerable guy, to fall in love with me. Once I knew he was hooked I bailed. It wasn’t intentional as I sincerely didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time. I lied to myself about the real reasons why I left, and of course I placed the blame squarely on the guy’s shoulders. The fact was I wasn’t out to fall in love, I just wanted something to conquer. Once I did it was “mission accomplished.” The fact that Jared just walked away makes me believe he had the same mission. It’s a bullshit thing to do to someone, and it’s something I honestly don’t do anymore, but believe me when I say that his leaving has everything to do with what’s wrong with him and nothing to do with you.

    • You wicked woman, you! LOL I’ve thought long and hard about how to reply to this comment without sounding like a judgemental bitch cos I just cannot cannot understand how anyone could do what you describe (sorry lol that sounds bad every time I write it!) I have heard it said before, the bait and bail thing some people do. I think it’s actually quite a common thing for younger women to do, to “test their prowess”, and to make them feel good.. and as you say: to conquer. But I’m a wuss (tell anyone and I’ll have to kill you k) I like to be chased.. 😉

      • You don’t come off like a judgmental bitch at all, although you’d still be fine if you did. What I did in my early twenties was just plain evil, and is about the only behavior I regret. I do cut myself a small bit of slack because of my age at the time. But if someone’s in their thirties or above and still pulling this crap then they’ve got problems.

        I guess the point is that people who are like what I used to be prey on the openhearted because we’re so bitter and jaded inside that for a moment, even a small one, we want to be seen as worthy by someone like you. Eventually our inner monologue tells us that we can’t keep up the act much longer (and yes, we have to “act” like someone who has value) so instead of facing the reality of seeing our growing unworthiness reflected in your eyes we simply walk away.

        Did this Jared seem almost too good to be true? There’s your first clue. On behalf of both of us; I’m sorry. You deserved better. And we know it.

      • He did and he didn’t seem too good. But you’ve got me thinking about the “when to say I love you” (or when to give away more than just “I’m into you”) and what it could mean to my future relationships. Cos I fall way too hard and fast. Which can scare guys off big time.. and / or opens me up to your scenario of being ditched once they’ve conquered. Mind you on a plus note, at least then I have invested less time before being booted to the curb? Lemons / Lemonade. We need tequila!!!

      • I have a serious question. What made you so jaded, at such a tender age .. do you mind telling me? Do you know what / why?

  3. My, I am loving your blog. I can really relate to your posts. I had a guy do the same thing to me……..totally into me…..always on the phone with me, texting and talking. Then out of the blue….just gone. Worst feeling in the world. You’re just left thinking “What the f**k just happened???” And you question everything about yourself…….until you realize it was his freaking loss, not yours (its a long, painful journey to get to that point though.) I don’t ever want to feel that kind of heartache again. The dumper I will be!

    • You are so right, about questioning yourself, tormenting yourself almost. It’s just so not cool and although we usually get to the “its your loss” state in time, the heartache before then (as you say: the long painful journey) is so not fucken necessary if they’d just man up and damn well tell you “it’s over”. Be careful of the dumper being (lol) tho. I do wonder if it may lead to other complications .. like jumping ship from good relationships? I dunno?

      • I would have to get ON the ship before I could even consider jumping from it…lol. I fell way too quickly for the guy that didn’t man up and now it is just hard to trust. It sucks that some ass has ruined the concept of falling in love for me.

      • I have not stopped thinking about your comment since I read it, about being afraid to trust after being burned. I NEVER learn so leap from one disaster to another and lament it. You’re unable to trust and dislike it (I’m guessing) .. both situations suck 😦

  4. I don’t mind telling you at all, especially if it’ll help someone. My father ran around on my mother from the time I was born. Finally when I was five years-old he left the both of us. In order to deal with her growing insecurities my mother began dating anyone who’d ask, very often bringing them home. Eventually a couple of them became more interested in me than her. As I got older I began to figure out that I could use my looks to my advantage, and I guess in my warped pubescent mind I decided to use my looks to control men, some of whom were significantly older than me. Some of whom actually cared.

    Finally I met a guy who’s childhood made mine look like Disneyland. We were married 10 years, just long enough to straighten each other out. We’re still best friends and it’s because of him that I was able to move on from the person I used to be.

    I suppose if I could wish one good thing to come from what I’ve been through it would be to let people like you know how important it is to believe things can be different, and to never stop believing that love is out there for you.

  5. I really hate that I don’t trust but what I hate more is that I don’t trust or believe in myself. First my eighteen year marriage ended then the guy I thought was going to be my knight in shining armor crushed my heart. (I read a quote somewhere that fit perfectly…”sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be an jackass in tin foil”……..lol) Anyway, my heart and self esteem are still trying to recover from all that. I’m just trying to figure out how to be happy on my own. I don’t ever want to depend on a man to make me happy again.

    • oh @ tin foil man. I am so sorry! trusting in ourselves is not easy .. those who say it is, lie. Agree, we need to be happy with US before we can be happy with anyone else but anyway … How are you doing now?

  6. I have good days and bad. Some days I am lonely but then I see couples bickering or looking miserable together and I think “man, I am glad I don’t have to deal with that crap!”
    Plus, I still believe I need to work on me…..deep down I still believe that something must be wrong with me……why else would I not get an explanation for the breakups? Deep down the one thing that I want is for a man to tell me I am good enough. That should not be important to me……I know I am good enough but telling myself that is just not the same. I need to get over that.

    • Oh I know ..

      Hearing we’re OK .. that someone thinks we’re the shiznit .. that we rock their world or even just light it up a liddle by our presence .. we all want that, if we’re honest.

      I’m the most confident chick on the planet in SO many ways .. but then turn into a complete wanker when I am doing the love thing .. So yeah am not really qualified to speak on this in anyway except to say “I hear ya sister” 😦

      • I’m thinking we are all wankers when it comes to the love thing…lol. “I hear ya sister” means a lot…….thanks for listening. 🙂

  7. “I’m not ok with it so can I be mad for you?”

    It’s ok if you want to be mad for me but really, I’m fine. The way I look at it is this: I started life in the negative and all on my own worked my way out into somebody positive, someone who I can be proud of. I’ve gotten 99% of what I’ve wanted out of life so I don’t feel bad about the 1% I didn’t get. In the end I guess I view love the way I view money: I never had it as a kid, didn’t get it as an adult and wouldn’t know what to do with it if someone handed it to me now. It’s just as well that I avoid it all together. Doesn’t mean I can’t have fun, though.

    • mmm @ the 1% I hear you .. You have a very healthy attitude for someone with your ‘background’ wow .. See I had love in abundance as a kid .. plus the bonus of a very strong and loving relationship with my Dad. OOOOH .. can I blame him for where I am at then?

  8. By the way, you’ve got a ton of great material in here for one uber blog post. If you decide to run one let me know and I’ll make mention of it on mine and link it back. Feel free to use anything you want from my comments. There must be someone out there like me who gets how I feel, or at the very least can be helped by it.

  9. Life and love are complicated. Learning to be open and honest is a lifetime endeavor, a matter of history brought to any relationship, a matter of choice, and a commitment to making things work. Being dumped or being the dumper are both negative situations.

  1. Pingback: Dumping a control freak « lifeinthefarcelane

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