Cyber boyfriend wanted, apply here!

Whilst the advice of assorted online pals has suggested that maybe I do not necessarily “need” (or want) a long term, happily ever after sort of relationship.. I remained unsure. But today it’s dawned on me where we’ve been going wrong!

I don’t want the reality of a man here messing up my lovely apartment, upsetting the cat, leaving his shoes the wrong way around on the hallway floor (or whatever lol) ..I want the idea of a lovely, funny, handsome, intelligent man who never leaves his shoes where I can see they’re not neatly lined up.

And so it is that I have decided to have an online boyfriend! I KNOW, aren’t I smart??

I don’t mean I am going to use an online dating site, I’m just gonna get me a boyfriend who lives on the opposite side of the planet and we’ll live happily ever after! It can’t fail..

I’ve even got my list started, the application form, if you will! Let me know if I’ve left anything important out k..

First Name:________________________________        Last Name:_____________________________

Address:__________________________________        Phone Number:_________________________

Age:_____

(please attach copy of birth certificate to application)

Weight:_____   Height:_____

(not what you put on your driver’s license)

1). How many times a week do you bathe/shower?___ None (afraid of being sucked down the drain)___ 1-3 (when flies mistake me for a pile of shit)

___ 4-6 (high hopes of getting intimate with someone)

___ 7 or more (have every brand of shower gel on the market and not enough days in a week to try them all)

 

2). Do you leave brown stripes in your underwear?___ Yes, I believe in conserving toilet paper.___ No, I don’t wear underwear.
3). How often do you wash your bedding?___ Daily (must be a nympho)___ Once a week (at the carwash)

___ Yearly (when I get my tax refund)

___ Never (haven’t brought a date home in years)

 

4). What are your shopping habits?___ I prefer shopping at garage sales. (leaves more money to buy my booze with)___ I prefer shopping at discount stores. (can buy ten times more junk food for less)

___ I prefer shopping at the mall. (great place to check out cute butts)

___ I prefer to shop at all the finer stores (until all the credit cards are maxed out)

___ I don’t pay for anything, I just take it.

 

  5). You are sitting in your recliner watching television and sneeze a juicy one, what do you do?___ Wipe my nose on my sleeve then give someone a great big hug.___ Wipe my nose with the remote.

___ Yell for someone to bring me a tissue, then hide/stuff it down the chair when I’m done with it.

6). You are cuddling with your sweetheart in bed and feel gas pressure building, what do you do?___ Excuse myself and make a mad dash to the bathroom.___ Let it blow and brag about how I made the windows shake.

___ Blast the stink bomb then toss the covers over both our heads so we can enjoy the juicy aroma.

___ Let it leak out silently and blame it on the dog.

7). The toilet breaks and needs repaired, what do you do? ___ Get the duct tape out and fix it myself.

___ Wait and see if it will miraculously fix itself.

___ Hire someone to fix it.

___ Choose to do nothing and use the gas station’s restroom for the rest of the year.

8.) How do you feel about washing dishes?

___ Love playing in bubbles and beg for people to dirty more dishes.

___ Only when company is coming.

___ Out of the question, I might break a nail.

___ I’m allergic to dish soap.

___ I consider dirty dishes to be a work of art and stack them all over the house/apt. as decorations.

9). How do you feel about mowing the lawn and misc. yard work?

___ Can’t wait to get the rider out so I can chase the neighbor’s cat around the yard.

___ Hire a lawn care company.

___ Just set it on fire once a year.

___ Do nothing at all, I enjoy living in a jungle.

 10). Your dog accidentally takes a dump inside, what do you do?

___ Wait a couple days, wrap it up and toss it into the lost & found box at work.

___ Call my mom and have her come clean it up.

___ Ignore it and hope it will go away.

___ Call 911 and tell them I have an emergency.

11).  Which best describes your cooking?

___ I must be an excellent cook because everyone I know eats at my house.

___ I burn everything and the dog refuses to eat it.

___ I have all the delivery places on speed dial.

___ I don’t cook, I have my own personal chef.

12). You are driving down the highway and notice your ex’s car pulled over with a flat tire, what do you do?

___ Pull over and grab my old cd player out of the car while they are changing the flat.

___ Drive by and act like I don’t see them.

___ Blow the horn and yell out the window “It sucks to be you”.

I hereby attest and verify that the information I have provided in this application is absolutely false and misrepresented.  I understand that any honest or true answers could lead to me spending the rest of my life alone.

Signature:______________________________

Date:_________________________

 

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on December 4, 2011, in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. Fuck eHarmony and their 29 parametrics or whatever – We’ve got FHarmony! This was the funniest thing you’ve written!

    It still is, even second later!

  2. Absolutely hilarious! Love it! Posted it to my Facebook page.

  3. Bum, the formatting is crap as can be, sorry about that:(

    Glad you’re enjoying it for all that!! 😉

  4. Truly brilliant!!! Loved it!

  5. Ahahaa Oh gosh, I cringe at the though of what some men would actually put. 😛

  6. haha, this made me laugh 🙂 thanks for sharing!

  7. I lost it when you said “I believe in conserving toilet paper” in reference to skid marks in your undies. One of the choices should have been, I only wear brown underwear.

    This is the exact same application form for the United States Army, I’ll just forward that to you, how’s that? We could totally be in love with your brown marks in our undies and unclean bedding!

  8. Where do I email the application? You are a very Beautiful Lady and you share some very intriguing thoughts! Other than the lack of the physical act well cyber love may be an interesting option! 🙂

  9. The lack of completed registration forms is deeply depressing ……………………… *sigh*

  10. I’d send one, but you’ve made it clear that you just want me for my wife… Sigh!

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