I suck (and not in that good way)

In my ever so slightly delicate state this morning, I’m making myself something greasy for brunch ~ to stave off the raging monsters that crawled inside my gut while I “slept” last night (laying carpet on my tongue as they went.. bastards) and found myself thinking about a few comments I’d had made to me last evening.

You see, I’m apparently the life and soul of any party. Bloody hell, there is no way to write that without coming across as a totally arrogant wanker. But I do kinda do OK at social gatherings. I can talk to anyone, about almost any subject, I can drink til the last man’s fallen down. I always bring enough to share. And I never ever go near the karaoke machine. I can be all kindsa drunk and I still know I  C A N N O T  S I N G.

Of course, I think I can dance like a rock star, but that somehow isn’t as bad on you-tube as the singing thing. Just.

Anyway, I digress. I was thinking about the fact that people seem to like me. A couple of people said to me last night – “can’t believe you aren’t married” (this is something apparently all the coolest types are doing? hmm..) Anyway, the whole good friends / great social life thing is a nice place to be and it’s fair to say I’ve perfected it over years of work functions and networking type of stuff.

For all the “can’t believe you’re not married” comments, I have been told before that I can “pull” the boys. No wait, that doesn’t read right! I am oft found in the company of men. Phew that was close.. I must confess, I love men, they’re fabulous. As a rule..

And they do seem to like me. For all they won’t marry me!?! lol this could become a theme, I’ll behave 😉

I think the reason men like me is cos I’m an odd blend of ballsy (but they don’t see me busting theirs) cheeky female. Added to which, I’ve got a horrendously big repertoire of uh, ‘ripe’ jokes. I’m always up for tequila shots (til morning, anyway .. ugh) I’m not the type who gets pissy when a man cusses, even the c-word or sexist statements don’t get to me.

I am probably on the brink of being “one of the boys”, except for the long blond hair and big boobs..

So I have a few good things going for me (blond hair and boobs? Oh and the other stuff I guess) but you know what?

I am a giant pain in the ass, really.

I am a control freak. I like order. Chaos upsets me. It really does. I am not at all spontaneous – I like to plan things out and make sure they go well. I could be a tad stubborn.

And if we go back to the chaos statement: I can’t stand mess. My apartment is always clean and tidy. OK I have a housekeeper but even so.. I need order to feel at peace with the world. My world, anyway 😉

I am ferociously independent. I dislike being told what to do. I am cynical. I am very logical and confident, which I am told comes across as cocky and argumentative now and then. My Mother used to tell me so, god bless motherly honesty 😉

I have a quick but not bad temper. If that makes sense? If I’m gonna go, I’ll go – you will know about it, then we move on.. (I’m just too lazy to maintain it for long) I like to slam doors when I’m really mad, too. Men seem to hate that but honest to god boys, try it – it’s easier than punching walls and generally does less damage too!

As well, as all these bad traits, I get bored easily and don’t forget: I cannot hold a man!

God I’m a catch, alright. Where’s that %$#@! nunnery phone number again?


About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on December 4, 2011, in Humour, Life, Rants, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Will you marry me? I figured that first I’d ask you, and if you say yes, then I’ll ask my wife if she’s cool with it. No need to get her all worked up, if it’s not a possibility to begin with…

    • Hmm, can she cook? Maybe we could strike up a deal. She cooks and cleans and I’ll um, drink & hang out with the lads all the time. Yeah, even I can see that aint gonna fly. Fooey 😉

      • She told me to tell you that she’s impressed with your description of yourself and that you sound like a ton of fun. She wants you to know that yes she can cook and clean, and the deal would be a weekly rotation in which you cook and clean for one week, while she drinks and hangs out with the guys, and then you and she switch roles for the next week, and so on…

        What do I do? Apparently, I stay here at home alone for the next six months, while you and she see if you are a good match for each other… This isn’t quite what I had in mind, and I’m becoming rather uneasy with the nature of her intentions. I may need to reconsider my proposal, so I’ll have to get back to you…

      • Oh I do like the way she thinks!! Your wife is clever, clearly! Altho really, if you’re gonna be sort of un-busy this next 6 months maybe she and I can BOTH go and drink / hang with boys while you take care of the cooking and cleaning, yep sounds like a plan to me .. check with her, see what she thinks and come back to me ..


      • How about this? The three of us could play mini-golf every Saturday, and whomever finishes the match in third place does all the cooking and cleaning for the next week, while the other two hang out and party… Just a fair warning here: She and I are both very good at mini-golf, because we often play it to decide which one of us will be performing certain services for the other, and our level of competition is intense. So you might want to get in lots of practice with your putter before you take us on. Lol 😉

    • putt, putt .. er, I mean but, but ……………..

  2. You’re just fine. Someday your prince will come. In the meantime, watch this:

  1. Pingback: Awkward Q’s, when dating « lifeinthefarcelane

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