The right time to break up?

Is it best to do it when you sense it’s heading down that irreconcilable path of nothing-ness. You don’t fight, you’re not miserably unhappy. But you’re not happy either.

Or do you hang in there, leaving only when you are both so over it you heave a sigh of relief that it’s over? i.e.: it’s obvious therefore it’s easier to say “let’s not do this any more” than for one to have to grow balls and do the deed?

It seems that my personal preference, looking back over my major break-ups, is to do it early.

It’s fair to say that this approach has it’s drawbacks as the other person generally wont be where you are, emotionally – therefore the shock element is simply mammoth for them and the whole thing is terribly emotional and painful.

However, there’s something very unappealing to me about staying with someone, doggedly avoiding the fact that you’re in a sad or unhappy relationship.

Or even just a relationship that’s gone flat. Like a bottle of coke that’s been left sitting for too long..

Which got me to thinking. Do all relationships eventually lose their appeal .. but everyone just kinda hangs in there refusing to admit it or says it’s just “part of being together” as they reconcile themselves to a (love) life quite ordinary?

I don’t know the answer to that and I’m afraid this post may make me seem awfully selfish but you know what?

It’s MY life, I only get one shot at this (that I am aware of) and so with that in mind: I kinda figure it’s ok to aim high. To dream.. To seek something wonderful..

Sure I may not ever get it, but ya know what? I am damned if I will give up trying!

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Posted on December 8, 2011, in Change, Grief, Happy-ness, Hope, Humour, Life, Love, Optimism, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.

  1. While the honeymoon usually comes to an end, a good relationship continues to be rewarding and exciting for both partners. If you’re both not into it, it’s not “good”.

    You’re supposed to be selfish. We have unlimited happiness potential as long as we afford ourselves the opportunity to pursue it. When you stay in a relationship that you know could be better (be it for financial reasons, loyalty, children or that you’re just to damn lazy to do anything about it) you do yourself, as well as your partner, a disservice.

    It’s certainly possible to find the perfect mate … and absolutely worth the effort of saying “good bye” to those that aren’t.

  2. I second Diatribes. I love my husband, and I feel that we have a great relationship. In the 10 years since getting married, we have weathered some really terrible storms, and almost fallen apart on a couple of occasions; but the love has never gone away, and I don’t think I could be truly happier with someone else. It is TOTALLY worth being selfish to find a great mate!

  3. Becca/Diatribes, thanks for your comments .. I agree with you and am delighted you have something special going on! It’s something to aspire to (altho now and then I may get a tad jealous .. grins) I have this theory that the only problem with falling IN love, is you can fall out. Maybe that enduring love is something a lil bit different and more solid / special to hold you over the stormy times 🙂

  4. I prefer to take off as soon as I feel the need. When I just don’t wanna be the person any more, or don’t see it going anywhere, or find myself not-as-happy-as-I-should-be, that’s enough. What’s the point of having more of that suckiness? If it’s not awesome, it’s not worth it. The relationship has to be at least as awesome as I am. *puts nose in air*

    Happiness and satisfaction is far too important to ignore, or let pass by, or stop searching for. I refuse to settle. NO ONE should ever settle. I truly believe that when it’s right, we KNOW it. We FEEL it. Until then, we keep wanting, wanting, wanting… Waiting, waiting, waiting.

    • mm and becoming more and more unhappy in the process!? Acceptance is one thing but not always a good thing!!! I have often said I’d rather be single / alone and sad than with someone and sad or lonely, that is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt.

  5. I guess you just have to identify if you are growing together or just growing next to each other. Thats tough. If you are like me- you just refuse to quit until their is no clay left on the wheel to work with anymore and everyone else already knows it!

  6. I think it very much depends on where your relationship is for me. I’m married so of course I wouldn’t end it on a “sense” but then I also wouldn’t let the misery get too far either. It is SO EASY to get used to being miserable. Sad to say, I am starting to think that relationships do all have a course that they run – the question is whether each person is willing to continually “redefine” the relationship to run a new course.

  7. I think marriage is like the yeng yang symbol. There is good then bad wait it out and it rolls around to good again.

  8. Oh, I’ve been bad. In both my marriage and in a long term relationship, I continued far beyond the time I should have said something about ending things. When you are absolutely sure that the relationship is over, It never does anyone any good to hang on.

    • Absolutely agree with you on “don’t cling on” but know it isn’t always easy to do 🙂 With my last long relationship, I should have ended it years earlier or even not gone there if I am brutally honest but aspects kept me trying ..

  9. As someone who has been married for almost 24 years, and who is more in love with my husband now than I was at the beginning, I wanted to respond–I had to think about this for a bit. It has been a LONG time since I “dumped” someone. I had this rule for myself when I was dating–If I couldn’t see myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with that person (for whatever reason) I usually just moved on early in the game. That would be LONG before I would even utter the word “LOVE” to that person.

    All relationships fizzle. All of them. There is no magic person who will never grow dull. It comes down to what commitment you are willing to make with that person. If you have made a commitment with no room for an out — then you will press forward and usually find that the relationship was worth the effort.

    Having said that, I do NOT accept mediocracy. We fight through our flatness … cuz chicka here can’t handle flat and boring. We fight through our differences, because I don’t think we should just shuffle along and accept crap from each other. What we have now is acceptance of each other that grew from knowledge of each other’s flaws and greatness … and a deeper love than before … it came a price though. I think I love him more because of his wrinkles and warts that once bothered me (warts and wrinkles are his shortcomings as a person) they make him MINE.

    Not sure this is what you were looking for … but your post made me think and want to respond. blessing girl! 😀

    • 24 yrs is amazing. Wow I am in awe 🙂

      See, for me – the problem, I think, is that I am as yet (at my ripe old age!) unsure what love is .. and I don’t know how to show it, in its purest form.

      Your comments have given me food for thought, thank you so much 🙂

  10. I am biased and will say the last line say’s it all… Want to move here?I You are a doll! If I were in your world I would be honored to share your dream! You will get what you desire with that attitude and your perseverance! I wish I could share a hug so here is the second biggest cyber HUG I have ever given…. I gave you the first a few blogs ago! Keep smiling Gorgeous!

    • I have no idea how you can’t read my blog and think I am anything other than a giant pain in the ass!!???? Do you drink? For breakfast? Are you blind?? NO NO I know, you can’t read .. you just reply to random blogs – admit it!!! *grins*

  11. Flirts a few thousand miles away are so tacky aren’t they!!! 🙂

  12. My wife and I have been together for 24 years and married for 21 years. And ya know what we owe it all to? PROCRASTINATION! We’re both serious procrastinators, and we’ve both been putting off leaving each other for many years now. We keep telling each other that “I’m leaving you tomorrow for sure!” But tomorrow never comes… If we were more motivated and goal driven people, it would been over between us long ago!

  13. Warning: This comment contains jaded cynicism.
    In my experience pre-marriage, I’ve broken it off early and often. At some point you realize that while it is your life, waiting around for Ms. Perfect is going to have diminishing returns. I’ve said this before – all relationships are like crashing planes, and the trick is to get one that starts out as high as it possibly can.

    Remember, with 7 billion people on the planet, roughly half of them men, there’s about 3,500 “one-in-a-million” guys. They’re all within 1% of each other. Unless someone has one or more completely dealbreaking qualities – not just annoying, but dealbreaking – a good guy is a good guy.

    • omfg @ crashing planes, I love that and plan to steal and use it as often as I can before you hunt me down and slap me with a copyright notice!!!!!

    • In all seriousness tho .. I’ve done the “we can make this work” thing once .. the most recent one. And honestly, in the scheme of things: it wasn’t bad. If you ignore the sex thing and the fact he was just not strong enough to handle a stroppy cow like me. But .. I dunno … Even tho I tried and tried .. I was devastated at the idea of being with that “person” forever. Attributes of his – unbeatable and fabulous .. but not the whole. And yes, I tried to change / enhance (call it what you will) the real problem spots. To No avail lol

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