Hands up, who doesn’t hold the pickles?

I’m working away today when hunger pangs attack me – as they are wont to do when it’s 2pm and I’ve not had breakfast (shh I know .. I know, it’s all bad) but anyway I wander into the nearest takeaway joint because I want energy (food) and I want it now! So Burger King it is ..

Now maybe I’m a bad person because I see “diet delight” (saladdy things) on the menu but yeah I order a whopper with a side of fries and a side of onion rings AND a coke. Diet coke could give me brain tumours, I’ll stick with sugar vs phenylanalalalaland, thank you very much.

So I sit down to stuff my face in a plasticcy booth surrounded by spotty youths. (I hate school holidays. And being old) with my plasticcy food and I get snotty.


You see, there is what can best be described as onion snot dangling it’s way out of my burger. Every bite, it’s there tickling my chin. That lil bit of opaque but annoying “film” that often is attached to slices of onion.

Someone should be hired to remove those slimy bits of .. stuff .. I know that I’d pay $1 more per burger for this.

The 2nd thing that bugs me is the fact that my fries and onion rings come in something called a fry-pod. WHAT THE? Did Steve Jobs buy shares in your company or did some geek get his hands on the marketing material for 2012 – either way, it’s .. weird.

Oh and by the way, I aint stupid – your branded “pods” are way smaller than they used to be. Shame the price isn’t!

Note the snot, dangling from the pod.

I know.

YOU weren’t the one served it!!!

By the way those big arsed “things” on the bottom left of the pic? The 2 pieces of pickle I finally gave up on and ejected from my burger. Holy cow they were monsters .. pickles are obviously cheaper than .. everything!

It wasn’t all bad, mind … Because we’re a bit posh (please say that with a frightfully Nigella meets complete knob “tone”, for max. impact) here on our side of the planet, we get garlic aioli with our fries. Not for us the ordinary red glop .. I know .. burn with envy .. I’ll wait.

As well, we get 2 serviettes (TWO!) when handed our tray of plastic food. Impressed? I was. Especially after reading this post by a friend of mine.

However, his blog entry did annoy me somewhat.

Because instead of stuffing my plastic fantastic meal into my face in the 15 mins I had allowed myself to break for a late lunch before running back to work.. I instead sat and PONDERED on my meal for damn near 25 minutes. (He’s getting the Bill in the mail) Yes, I get the irony and he will too πŸ˜‰

Cos gosh it was awful.

Now I KNOW I am often accused of being a bit of a food snob. And I admit I do not have fast food often. I like good food, I can cook very well and I have sufficient money to fund having nice meals out.. Being lazy today, I didn’t have lunch and so opted for this fast food option.

But really, it was yukky.

I know the cheese is yellow plastic and was at peace with that. But I really “observed” as I ate and I found the tomato unripe and just an attempt at being “red fruit, in a bun”. The lettuce had that “I’ve been cut up in the fridge ever so slightly too long, how’s that taste working for you?” thing going on.

The onion – even allowing for the snot – was limp and rather tasteless. I dare you to get an onion now and take a bite. It wont be tasteless! But put it on the counter and leave it for a day .. now tell me how it tastes? Mm fast … food ..

And the mayo was .. generic mayo that had sat around a tad too long, also. The whole deal sucked and without wishing to sound like a complete wanker .. I’m thinking fast food could well be off the menu for me from now on.

So tell me, do you hold the mayo, pickle, lettuce or anything? If so, what and why?


Posted on December 20, 2011, in Humour, Rants and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. That was so pleasant, you reminded me of why I visit your blog.

    *cries and blows my nose on your shirt*

  3. After watching SuperSize Me, I don’t do fast food anymore…at least not that. Usually when I’m jetlagged and starving because they never feed you on planes anymore, I’ll grab Taco Bell at 2 a.m. and feel horrible about myself afterwards. But if I were to flashback to college, when I couldn’t afford to be picky? I’d hold the pickles (hate em), hold the mayo and hold the tomato. And then slather everything in barbque sauce. Because you can always get that on this continent. Oh. And ask for extra bacon. Because even cardboard tastes good with bacon…

  4. I haven’t had a Whopper or Big Mac in over 5 months- you don’t realize some of the simple things you miss when you haven’t been around them. Even if it is plastic cheese. In around 40 days, I get back to the 20th century and there will be fast food carnage!

    • LOL @ fast food carnage! Presumably you’re in the US of A (or will be) so what will be your target? We don’t have taco bell or anything here, just not to our tastebuds, but it seems popular over there. Be your Mexican neighbours influence I’m thinking. Whereas we have Chinese take out on every corner!

  5. I love to turn up my nose at fast food (just the thought of a “fry pod” conjures up unsavory images of a really bad sci fi movie,) then dive head first into a vat of coffee Haagen Dazs. Aaaah.

  6. Burger King should be dethroned!

    • Or renamed: Chunder King? Plastic fantastic is already used (McDs) .. BK used to be the better of them here. MAYBE I should go do a test at Maccers just to be thorough. Ugh I dunno if I can bring myself to ..

  7. I rarely visit the BK Lounge as we used to refer to it when I was in college, but when I do I have them hold the mayo, lettuce and tomato because I can have it my way.

  8. DiatribesAndOvations.com

    Great post! I feel encouraged to avoid plastic for myself. I wonder how long that will last!

    I don’t eat mustard … any time or anywhere. I don’t understand how anyone can eat mustard. Mustard is made from stinky weeds. Ick.

  9. I apologize in advance for being so cliche, but I stopped eating fast food after I saw Super Size Me. My poison was Taco Bell, not Mickey D’s, but still after seeing the immediate damages done to his body was enough for me to give it up cold turkey. Now I eat fast food MAYBE once a month, and it’s usually a burger from In N Out… animal style of course πŸ™‚

    • LOL @ cliches, not a problem! I can’t tell you the last time I had takeaway food prior to yesterday but I can tell you the time I decided to never have it again – yesterday! Not for the health benefits tho, but simply because I like my food to taste .. like food lol There are some amazing burger joints around, but this was honestly fast / convenient and that’s what I was after (and got, I guess)

  10. Wow, I’m not sure if this put me off of fast food for a while or made me crave it. Maybe a little bit of both if I think about it. I am craving a McRib from good ol’ Mickey D’s, though… you know, 20 different types of processed mystery meat between two high fructose corn syrup laden buns really hits the spot!

    • But do you hold the pickles!?!? πŸ˜‰

      I had McDonald’s yesterday (Angus beef booger and chips) and the cheapskates didn’t give me a serviette, that is just so not ok, as a fellow blogger once asked – is this the sign of a recession, McDs “holding” the napkins!?!?!?

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