Must .. not .. share .. feelings ..

Talking to a young male friend the other day – he was excited after a coffee date with a girl he rather fancied. It was cute..However he was lamenting to me the fact that he didn’t know how it had gone.. Now bear in mind he’s young and stupid (everyone under the age of 40 fits this category when you’re my age, deal with it) but our chat got me to thinking..

HOW the hell come it’s not the done thing to let people know how we feel any more?

I’ve experienced this exact same dilemma as my young friend. Just last month I was gob-smacked to find myself thinking “should I text and say thanks or will that make me seem too interested?” after having been out on a date with DTR. Remember him? Yeah we never recovered from the Xmas discussion I’m afraid. Ah well.. wasn’t meant to be.

But back to the bit about people not being willing or able to communicate any more. And, worryingly – the fact that I seem to be falling prey to it..

That realisation really pissed me off because til recently I used to just act on instinct.. I’m a firm believer in following your gut however it’s also fair to say that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. And you know? I’d generally say that I think this is a nice way to be but yeah, well .. look how bloody well that’s worked for me thus far, huh!

I do know that as a result of the last big break up, I’m trying to be more circumspect because as we all know – showing interest and being open is a dating code word for DESPERATE!

Or at least that is what it seems to mean to so many people now. However, that is a topic for a-whole-nother rant, today I just want to ponder why and when did it become normal to not be able (or willing or allowed!?) to communicate how we feel ..

And worse, when did we start acting like this about someone we obviously liked enough to go out on a bloody date with?

You see, normally with me you 100% know where you stand. I loathe playing games, I find them time consuming and wasteful.. And they often end up just hurting people. And for all I like to think I’m a tough old broad, I dislike hurting people.

I’d rather be up front and honest, even if it hurts initially – than lead someone on or ignore them. Honesty is the best policy when dealing with affairs of the heart, I believe.

I think the thing that annoys me so much about this whole dating “game” is the fact that a) the rules are not given out at the start of the game and b) the rules are subject to change at any moment, usually right about the time you think you may be starting to understand said rules.

Still, I console myself with the fact that beautiful people, young people, rich people, stupid people – even smart people – all seem to struggle with the rules of this game. So it’s not just me that has no idea what I’m doing.

This morning someone posted something on a blog I follow  that made me think we’re all going about this dating thing wrong. I realise when you read his blog you’ll wonder at the leap to where I’m going but work with me k 😉 You see maybe we shouldn’t PLAY hard to get, perhaps instead we should just BE hard to get.

By that I mean sure, we should value ourselves sufficient that we make good decisions. BUT once you’ve made the choice to go out with someone – run with it, enjoy it, be real .. and importantly: Don’t dick the other person around.

This post is a little disconnected and that annoys me but I’m gonna run with it anyway!

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on December 30, 2011, in Happy-ness, Humour, Life, Love, Rants, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.

  1. It is slowly dawning on me that your only real issue is that you are all about honesty in relationships and have no patience for drama or insincerity. It’s a shame that there aren’t more people like you in the world.

  2. I love it! As usual, you’ve managed to say what I think and can’t articulate in my own blog because I don’t know I’m thinking it until you say it :p

    Great post!

  3. Both your post and the one you linked are awesome.

    I tend to live my life that way, through honesty and just being who and what I am. As a result, I have had to warn a number of friends in real life against asking me any question to which they don’t want a completely honest answer, because that’s what they will get, like it or not.

    • I love his blog, it just made sense what he was asking and saying! 🙂

      Good call on warning friends. I must admit there have been times when I’ve seen a slightly hurt or confused look on someone’s face after they’ve asked me something and I’ve been honest .. cos I realised that they didn’t actually want honesty, they wanted reassurance. Time and place for lies vs honesty? I’m not sure of my thoughts on that one actually ..

  4. Every reply was perfect to this post dang it! It left nothing for me to say that has not been said.

  5. Nothing wrong with running with scissors – or going with your gut or being kind. Good post.

  6. I can relate. I’m usually so honest that I think I scare guys off. I’m not going to waste anyone’s time by dating someone I’m not into though. The funny thing is that I find it very hard to accept the same kind of honesty when directed at me, although I guess that’s true for most people.

  7. luv the candy hearts. Honesty is always best, but some people can’t handle it. It hurts them, they cry and lose sleep. I’ve always preferred honesty. It’s the only way to be. Nice blog.

    • Thank you for the comment 🙂

      You’re right about people crying and losing sleep over honesty. Honesty can hurt at times.. Maybe then it’s up to the delivery person to be sensitive in their approach. Problem is mostly we’re just trying to escape a situation we’re not comfortable with and thinking solely about ourselves and not the recipient of the truth as we see it huh.

  8. OMG I love this post. I’ve been grapling with this exact issue from day 1 with The Ambassador. So, I figure, the only person I can control is me so I am going to be open and honest – operate from a place of acceptance & PRAY it’ll work out.

  9. I would much prefer honesty from a woman than any nonsense about “playing hard to get” or any other sort of head games like “I was just testing you.” Ugh! that one makes my blood pressure go up just thinking about it, and I haven’t heard it in decades, TG! (yes, I know that guys can be guilty of head games too!)

    But I also understand that there is this perception out there, that’s always been around with dating, even back when I was still dating – that it’s not a good thing to appear to be desperate. It’s like dating couples are playing emotional poker early in the game, and don’t want to tip their hand too soon. It’s all a matter of keeping things in proper balance, because women are also likely to be turned off by a guy who seems to be “too needy”.

    But you can drive yourself nuts if you over think about strategy and making the right moves at the right time… so I still think that being honest with your feelings is the best way to go – if the other person can’t deal with it, then that’s their problem.

    Oh, and I loved the cartoon! 🙂

    • Yeah the balance between interested and desperate appears to be verrrrrrrrry difficult to attain. I know for myself, if a man is too keen I’m freaked out. NO two ways about it. But then if he’s too “cool” that also bugs me.

      Then (worse!) they can sometimes slot into “a good friend” position, a very hard one to escape from too, if you want to ever take it up a notch, I mean.

      As you say – if they can’t handle it (truth / your feelings) maybe you’re better off knowing sooner than later and bailing.

  10. I’d like to think that we end up playing these games because we are too scared of putting ourselves out there for fear of getting hurt.
    Like …what is showing too much? Even in a relationship this happens…I’ve never been one to play games, and nor do I Think I do, but also dont want to be hurt…and I realized the other person doesnt want to get hurt either so you end up tap dancing around each other?
    Relationship, dating, etc are not easy.

    • You’re right, I think. Not everyone does it to be a jerk – but to protect themselves and in fact you and a text I got from a jerk (lol) last night have inspired a topic around this for my blog .. some time soon.. cos everyone trying to protect themselves is all well and good but all it bloody does is end up hurting people, no?

  11. You think I am young and stupid :O anyway … I think you should spend a whole day shouting how you feel about people (I gave up being constructive when you call me stupid 😉 ) Just walk down the street like “OY! lady in the red dress, your hair is nice,” or “OY! Man with the uber hot body, I could go all night with you,”

    • ROTFL .. you are such a problem-child! 😉

      I did walk thru town the other day and want to go to someone and say “is your hair really meant to be this way” (cos clearly they’d gone to some effort to make it look so bad) .. but I resisted the urge.

      TIL NOW *grin*

  12. Ha. Have you ever seen ‘The Invention of Lying’? I think you’d enjoy it.

    • I realized this looks like spam right as I hit the button. Anyway, TIoL starts with a world where Lying hasn’t even occured to anyone – it’s not that they can’t, they just don’t. It’s quite hilarious. And then it gets deep as hell and is generally awesome.

      • No it didn’t look like spam, I was being a slacker and sleeping *grins* Thanks for the comment and I’m going to check into that movie, it sounds great. I sometimes think being that innocent could be kind of fun / awesome but there ARE times when misdirection (vs lying!) is appropriate which is why that innocent approach doesn’t always work.. Appreciate you stopping by to have a read 🙂

  13. Great post! We all prefer honesty right from the start. Personally, I’m always brutally honest because the truth is hard enough for me to remember and I don’t have the energy to try to remember anything else.

  14. Hey, I really like your blog! I look forward to reading more!

    (I chose to comment on this particular post because, coincidentally, I am going on a date tonight and I am so NOT going to be honest about how I feel. I’m only going on the date for the secondary gain. I’m a terrible person, I know.)

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