I’m getting the hang of this on-line dating thing!

I mentioned awhile ago that I’d signed up to a couple of dating sites and it’s fair to say that initially I found some aspects of the whole online thing a little off-putting, people seem a bit more invasive,  more aggressive with the safety net of a screen in front of them. However, I decided to put my misgivings aside and just get into the spirit of things, after all – if I want this to work I have to invest something too, right?

So, this morning I was sent notification that someone (2 someones, actually) had emailed me.. Very exciting indeed!

I duly logged in and set to having a read. After all, a few nice chats would ease the pain of being back at work today, I figured .. I’ve copied and pasted them below so you can enjoy them as much as I did. Bear in mind, each new line is a new message. The site I was on is not the nicest I’ve ever used ..


Hardbod4U: Wud u b put off by 11 inches babe?

Farce*: LOL, uh, depends where, I’m thinking 😉 <– trying to be nice, aren’t I good?

Hardbod4U: I’m in LA babe

Farce: Oh well then no, 11 inches wouldn’t faze me in the slightest! <– totally didn’t get it, did he?

Hardbod4U: Wud u like 2 swap pics babe?

Farce: All my pictures are on my profile, feel free to have a look if you’d like.. <– remember HE messaged me so he had to have seen ’em already!!! $#@!

Hardbod4U: Fuck lady, ur gna get nowhere on this site wit ur attitude.

Farce: Er, really? What makes you say that?

Hardbod4U: Ur stuck up I wish u were here though ur hot

Farce: Thanks. Would you like to buy a vowel?

Hardbod4U: haha fk ur a bitch

Farce: (I know, I shouldn’t have, but oh come ON) And this week the letter “O” is on special, I can give you 3 for a dollar.

No reply for some reason … 



Benchpresser69: Hey

Farce: Hey there Benchpresser! Thanks for the msg – so, is that 69kg or 69lb you bench press?

BP69: Huh?

Farce: Just stares at the screen .. (And considers logging out)


(I’m no quitter)


GRainger: Hi. SWM/41. Do you have any baggage?

Farce: Baggage?

GRainger: Yeah Baggage.

Farce: I do have some very nice gucci suitcases, but I don’t know that I would loan them to a total stranger..

GRainger: hahah you’re funny <– liking the fact he uses apostrophes for all I didn’t understand his 1st msg lol 

Farce: Thanks, I am told I do have a good sense of humour. So, I have to ask – Why the baggage question?

GRainger: I hate chicks with kids. 

Farce: Oh fair enough, I hate kids too. They totally ruin your figure, and they never leave home – of this I am assured 😉

GRainger: How many you got? I got 5. 

Farce:(fffffuuuuuuuuu) er, I have to run now – urgent meeting to attend. Take care .. <– he DID email me again, omg


Undeterred (for reasons that elude me!) I decided I’d take the bull by the horns and send a few messages myself! Apparently women never do this, so I thought this was something I’d have a hack at! I searched online profiles and found one that had a name I liked ..

Now I admit, I didn’t put too much in it, after all – if they don’t reply it is a bit of a waste of time and effort. Instead I kept it short and to the point. But topical, I thought!


Farce: Hey there, I like your handle. I choose life too! 🙂

IChooseLife: What do you mean?


Ok, fine NOW I quit.

*Not my online dating name but you all know me as this, so it’s easier.


About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on January 4, 2012, in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 55 Comments.

  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I so needed a good laugh today. Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them! Ha!

  2. Welcome to the world of online dating! It’s a bit of a crapshoot.

  3. Funny! Ps: don’t throw rocks at me.

  4. Uh…….yeah.

    Challenging to get that shit down. Especially when a friend tells me that it’s the way to go for meeting people without all the games. Seems to lead to more games. Online dating is supposed to be more honest because of the anonymity but…yeah, it gets frustrating when you are just trying to get yours and have to weed through all the chafe just to get just a damn date. LOL.

    Good luck!

    • oh I don’t think your friend is at all right about the lack of games. If anything I’d have said the web was a far easier place for that sort of crap .. I’d far rather eye ball someone than read their texts or emails, to get a sense of where they’re coming from!

      Luck may have a lot to do with it !!

  5. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Thank you for reminding me why I will be throwing rocks at the first person to suggest I take up internet dating sites as a hobby. o m g.

  6. I am also laughing, because a lot of my attempts at online dating have ended as such as well. Trust me though, with some persistence there are SOME decent guys out there. It definitely takes discernment and a sense of humour to weed out the total losers though!!

  7. However, I have strongly considered creating an online dating profile and describing myself as my dog… to see how many more hits I’d get that way. I think it’d be hilarious….

    “likes long walks downtown on a leash”
    “lays around all the time, sleeps a lot, and then will repeatedly bring back anything you throw past me”

    Those are the clean examples, it could get quite out of hand… but oh, am I tempted…

    • ROTFL @ dog!! OMG I wonder what would happen if one did that … it’d show a sense of humour clearly but I bet ten bucks you’d get a bunch of “I don’t get where you’re coming from” or “Do you really expect to net a man this way” emails heheh ..

      • haha oh for sure. I’m tempted, and then to add “p.s. this is about my dog. If you like my sense of humour, we’ve got a good place to start” because I can just see the inappropriate comments I’d get from guys who can’t read between lines 😉

  8. Very Funny.. I also love the “boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them” pic. Great post!

    The online dating thing is tough to get the hang of and not ideal but for me.. (this super small town SUX) I just had to soldier on.

    One great piece of advice I’ve picked up along the way… Beware the guys that come on strong with the sex stuff right out of the gate… Unless you are also -only- looking for a lay.

    • One thing I am learning is that whilst I do love the whole double entendre thing it can backfire! Guess you have to wait a little while and observe the person (or their chat, anyway) to see where their head is at so no one gets hurt or put in a shiddy situation..

      The whole coming on too strong with sex stuff hasn’t been an issue with the guys who I would say are a bit more “on to it” than the ichooselifehardbod4me duh guy etc 😉

  9. OMG! Too funny!! And you are SO good at the witty responses and questions!!!! That, my fellow blogger, is true talent. Thank you for the laugh!!

  10. LMAO.

    Imagine if the online dating gig around the world worked exactly the way these desperate dudes believe:

    Guy: “Are you DTF?”
    Girl: “Yes.”
    Guy: “Cool.”

    Some desperate dudes just diving in and going right after it, huh? Hell, being straight forward is usually a good thing when you’re going after what you want in life, but their minds are shut off. The hell is even going on up in there?

    Looking forward to the next time that you to delve into the online dating site foray once more so that you can provide us some humorous fodder once again… right? 😉

    Fuck lady, ur gna get nowhere on this site wit ur attitude.
    Brb I hate chicks with kids
    Brb I have 5
    Brb my handle is IChooseLife
    Brb freaking out when a female comments on my username and replying with “What do you mean?”

    • not many things are a total loss, hopefully this falls into that category *grin* Like you say, open and straight fwd comms is good, I love it as a rule .. but these clowns were just surreal.

      Now I suppose I SHOULD have said that I have had some lovely chats also, but that made for way less funny reading .. to help you not give up on men completely – there’s the lawyer in Canada and the mechanic in Scotland.. Both articulate and neither had sexy fun times or txt spk in their handles 😉

      They just happen to be on the other side of the freakin’ planet .. $#@!!

    • I can see you grinning under your cap, buddy!! S’not nice!!! heheh

    • OMG this just in:

      “Hello pretty what a eyes hmmmm will like to have a chat with you and know you much more can we try will be waiting kisses or add me on skype(xxxxxx) shall be waiting kisses”

      I have to admit, any man who talks like that makes me think “what a fop” am I being harsh? And would it KILL him to throw in a freakin’ comma here and there!??!?!

      • I ignore any and all messages that come over online dating sites that are written like that. If a man’s not intelligent enough to take the care to string a proper sentence together…. or at least one that resembles a proper sentence, I deem him not worthy. It may sound harsh, but the way we write and talk is equivalent, to me, with how we dress. It’s how you present yourself online. That presents itself as lazy and like he couldn’t be bothered, so I’m with you 😉

      • totally agree with your analogy! Very good call ..

  11. I sent this on to my friend Susan, who specializes in attracting men who wear antlers and/or who have been recently released from penal institutions.

    • Oh god I’m just an amatuer, thus far no one from prison has messaged me. THAT I know of!! Antlers could .. no .. actually antlers would not work ..

      Least I can take solace from the fact I’m not alone..

  12. So funny, good luck!!! Maybe your Prince Charming will find you in the blogging world! In the meantime, just love yourself! It will happen!

    • love myself is all I been doing for months now *burns with frustration* But yes, you’re right .. we never know where they’re lurking, the trick is to keep my eyes peeled and be ready when he appears .. (to lasso and hog tie the lil sucker?) 😉

      Thanks for the comment!

  13. Great post! You have an awesome attitude and somewhere on the interwebs there’s a fella who’s a match!

    Things to remember until he finds you include … 1) one internet inch = 0.125 actual inches, 2) Actual Age = Internet Age minus five, 3) one internet pound = five actual pounds, 4) “outgoing personality” = butt ugly and 5) “some body hair” = sasquatch.

  14. I laughed my arse off over this. It was so fun I had to read it twice. I hate all the crap you are going through but it sure makes for an awesome post. For the brief time hubs and I were separated I tried a dating site too. I was met with about the same ….hmmm… Type of men.

    • You laughed at my pain?
      Is that nice???

      OK OK fine, I laughed at my pain too, I guess you can LOL ..

      Hope you (and yrs!) are well?? I am so behind in reading and comments that I’m feeling a bit disconnected ..

  15. I feel your pain. My online dating experience has been similarly futile. I write polite, articulate, interesting letters to women and I average- get this- 1 reply for every 75 letters sent. often far less. And I’m pretty picky about whom I send letters to. What’s more, I recently moved from Northern Maine to Key west, FL- where I had assumed there would be a much larger dating pool. I thought wrong.

    So, hang in there, I guess. What else can we do? I would apologize for the behavior of my entire gender, but then, I truly dislike admitting that I’m in the same group as the philistines above. Keep your chin up. The only immediate advice i have is that usernames often speak volumes. If the user name is some text-speak version of something overtly sexual, it’s probably not a prelude to intelligent conversation.

    Good luck.

    • Oh that is horrible, as far as response rates 😦

      I have heard that women field far more emails than men. From my own exp, I get an average of 100 a day and so am guilty of applying a fairly harsh “ranking” to them. If they’re in the wrong age range, location or anything that flags as “meh”, I send them a quick “thanks but no thanks” reply.

      I must admit the amount of guys who come back arguing with me when I send a TBNT email is .. irritating and surprising lol ..

      That will be why many women simply do not respond, I am guessing?

      Good call re the nick names and use of txt spk etc .. but then I have the word sassy in mine .. wonder what the boys make of that one *grins*

  16. Oooh my gosh! SERIOUSLY?!?!
    How do people do it?! Maybe they stick with it for the entertainment until someone decent/sensible comes along. I don’t know. That is crazy.
    But the people who don’t even understand what you’re saying… WHERE ARE THEY FROM?! My gosh. Where’s that bang head section? *scrolls up*

  17. Well at least you were very smart about going into this “adventure” with a sense of humor right from the start, because you really needed it! Your replies are very clever and funny, in spite of the comments you’re replying to being pathetically lame. But if that was me, and I was lame enough imply that I had 11 inches, and I got your kind of answers back, well I’d be well on my way to falling in love! Lol 😉 Only a real fucktard wouldn’t appreciate that kind of humor in a woman. But unfortunately, real fucktards were who you were dealing with, and you’re their loss.

    • Yeah I kinda figured a SOH would be critical, in this Chris! LOL @ their loss – thanks 🙂

      It’s my experience that men say they like a woman with a sense of humour, they say they like an independent and strong woman. BUT I am not so sure they really do …….

  18. TOO Funny! Just wanted to let you know that I did the online dating thing too and met my boyfriend on there. This Feb we’ll have been together for five years. I also met a really cool guy on there that has the same interest in politics as me – weird we never met in person but talked on the phone, emailed and keep up with each other on Facebook. The online stuff dos work once you weed out the weirdos.

    • Well that is reassuring for me and others who are all doing this online thing .. thank you!

      The way I see it, we’re basically turning our dating life into a 7/11 or “Open all hours” type of thing vs. when we can be bothered putting ourselves out there ie on a Friday evening or at the stamp club ..

      So it helps to increase your odds … problem is the ODDS is all I’m getting to see so far *grin*

  19. Has it ever dawned on you that we all talk different? Americans are not to get some things you say the same way English people wont get other things … Language barrier my friend!

  20. That was too damn funny! OMG! Online dating sounds like fun…I don’t date online but I do love the virtual world. I’m constantly on IMVU! HEHE!

  21. I feel that you aren’t giving true love a chance. These guys don’t seem so bad, even the guy who hates his own children. Ok, I’m kidding. That was painful. You have successfully convinced me to avoid online dating for the foreseeable future.

  22. Geez! Keep this sort of thing up and you’ll never be out of ideas for blog posts!

    Kinda confirms my opinion that amidst all the good, honest people on dating sites (like yourself), there are tons of weird and wacky ones

  23. Lol, been there, done that..online dating is crazy!,..but it was fun while it last. Enjoyed reading this post.

  24. OMG!!! Hilarious! You were nicer than I would have been and certainly lasted much longer that I would have too! AMAZING!

  25. i once heard a lady on that show say “i’d like to vy a bowel.as to the dating: how can you possibly go wrong with the man pool in key west?…or the pool man? continue…

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