Heartless bitch reporting in..

So today I was advised that I’m a “heartless, calculating and nasty bitch”. I like to think this is similar to how any person driving under the speed limit ahead of me is a bloody moron (and every person over taking me is a %$#@! lunatic) i.e.: it is possibly not entirely accurate.

Tis fair to say I have stewed, been fucked off (‘scuse my French) and generally obsessed about this statement all day. Not for me the “Sticks and stones” thing. It rankled. More than a liddle..

And I don’t know why because if I am really honest with myself, I KNOW I am not all that nasty or heartless. Calculating, mm the jury is still out on that one lol .. Personally, I don’t think calculating is bad.. but prefer to call it “measured” or “analytical” .. 😉

Throughout the early days of break up week, i.e.: the week I told him my partner of almost 8yrs that it was over – I’d receive very distressing emails from him. As he grappled with the shock of what had happened.

And it made me grateful that I had agonised for weeks (and yes, I mean weeks – literally) about how I was going to end things cos it was horrible with a lot of thought and planning, if I’d not done this I can only imagine how bad it may have been..

You see, I thought very carefully about the words I would use in the break up speech. Remember: I didn’t hate him – I just was not in love with him any more. Hating someone, or even disliking them makes breaking up so much simpler I am sure.

The reason I thought it through so carefully was twofold:

1. I needed to be entirely sure there was NO ambiguity in the process. That in no way would I utter any words that he could cling to .. any phrase that could be a little vague and maybe encourage him to think he could change the fact I had said it was over. That was for my own benefit, as well as his of course. But I think it’s really important when breaking up, to think about these things.

2. I needed to be careful of the words I used (or prepared, in case asked) to describe how I felt and why I had ended it. Not wanting to hurt him any more than the act of ending our relationship was going to. Cos I was with a thinker. A deep and intense person who would take on board a statement and mull it over to ridiculous lengths. It’s just how he is..

In the same way I stewed over his statement today, I know he would have re-played the discussion over and over trying to make sense of it. I had to be kind, but firm. Be sure he knew I meant it but not mess him up so he’d be anxious moving into his next relationship.

In the end I opted for simple..

When asked “why?” I said: “I’m just not in love with you any more.” Now I guess maybe he could have said “I can make you fall back in love with me” but we’d talked in the past about how sad it would be to be with someone who wasn’t in love with you so this was a fairly “calculated” statement. And one he simply couldn’t refute. After all, they’re my feelings.

I recall 2 breakups of my own, ie times when I have been kicked to the curb, in the past.

Asshole.. oops I mean “Man” #1 said: “You’re too intense”. I’d be inclined to agree with this statement, so that wasn’t so bad altho I do think he used it as his “unambiguous” reason lol

Man #2 said: “I think you want too much from me.” I guess my expecting to see him now and then was pretty demanding huh..!

The song is so right, breaking up is hard to do. Hard to take. Hard to experience. Even for mean, nasty, horrible old bags like me!

Oh and for no other reason than that it irritated me, I’m sharing this lil caption below which I happen to think is the biggest pile of horseshit ever written. Well, other than many of the Shakespearean tragedies.. they irritate me too.

Hell who am I kidding, everything is irritating me after my day of stewing!

I’m off to take it out on a punching bag at the gym..

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Posted on January 18, 2012, in Change, Grief, Humour, Life, Love, Rants, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. Oh Gosh, punching something will defiantly help.

  2. i’m pretty sure you’re a bitch WITH a heart…pretty sure. continue…

  3. I love this post. It just puts into perspective my being dumped, and as “kak” (an Afrikaans word for shit) as it was. That sometimes the dumper really does have the dumpee’s feelings at heart. And I think it is also natural for the dumpee to let their emotions and egos get hold of them, at least until they can see with a more objective view. As hard as it was I severed all ties with Rocketman until I know that I won’t be doing something I regret.

    But you aren’t a bitch, no of us are, we are just doing what we think is best.

  4. Wait, so who told you that? I heard this almost word for word from a friend with benefits I had to break up with. The guy was hurt and he was so preoccupied with trying to corner me and prove I was a meanie that he never got to know me, I thought.

    I’m sure you did the right thing. Hang in there and try to put yourself in the dude’s shoes. Of course he’d say something like that – how else could he elicit a reaction from you?

  5. It’s his drama not yours, so ignore, and have a great day!

  6. Well, everything’s subjective, right? To my ex, I’m the biggest asshole in the world. To other people, I’m cool. So maybe to him you’re a bitch, but that’s just how he sees it. And you can’t blame him for being a little angry I guess. Men…we hate it when our pride gets bruised. Breaking up certainly IS hard and it sucks, mostly because the only way to get over it is to wait. What kind of method is that? It reminds of when I used to get high and freak out and people were like, “Chill man. You’ll come down eventually.” Right now you’re having a bad trip. Give it time and it’ll end. I don’t think in this case eating sugar will help.

    Bless ya Farce! My heart goes out. ❤

  7. Well, it was always going to be a bit of a shit time, breaking up. No matter how well rehearsed, the dumpee is always going to be badly hurt. That’s how the business of dumping someone works.

    Firstly, he’s the ‘dump-ee’. He has certain rights that the ‘dump-er’ has no right to whinge about. If he’s calling you names, don’t take them to heart unless the shoe seems to fit; because it’s his pain, shock and grief talking, not him. Easy for others to make fun of the guy while they pat you on the back for it, but the boot could so easily have been on the other foot. Be grateful it wasn’t. This time.

    Not in love anymore? I’ve yet to meet any couple in their 50th year of marriage who can honestly say they’re still ‘in love’ with each other. And if they do, they’re either lying, English isn’t their first language, or they’ve blissfully forgotten about the shallow emptiness that came before the depth and richness of love joined them together and resides in them.

    The school-girl silliness and giddiness of being ‘in love’ (read ‘amuse me, make me feel special 24/7, keep the butterflies going in my tummy, because it’s all about me, me, me!), as time goes by, is replaced by something far deeper, far more meaningful, responsible – yes, responsible – and far more stable. When the dust settles to reveal that beauty and depth, few hang around to appreciate it. (Ego, you see. They still think it’s all about them.)

    It feels as though two are one, standing on the brink of eternity, with the rock of ages supporting their hearts as they sort of ‘glide’, hand in hand, through the fires of hell (everyday life) together, trusting, loving and supporting the One Being that was once two separate individuals.

    Few have any idea what this eternal, deep ‘love’ is about. Sadly, most will go through life thinking it’s all about the superficiality and the thrills of the first meeting. It’s so far beyond all that egotistical crap, that it’s a whole ‘nother world.

    I cringe when I hear someone say “I’m breaking up with him/her because I’m just not ‘in love’ with him/her anymore”.

    Be sure you’re being completely honest with yourself, so that you can honestly say that you’re not merely one of the millions of twits out there who’s so addicted to the instant thrills and sensory gratification of a new relationship, that you set your internal alarm to ‘bolting time’ when the dust settles and genuine love wants to reveal itself and stay for a lifetime.

    Love is strong, it’s true, but it’s also incredibly fragile; there comes a time when, after so many rejections, Love won’t come knocking anymore.

  8. Why we always gotta be “bitches” huh sigh, for what it’s worth love the honesty on your blog and not sugar coating things. Real people do that, and I look forward to reading your posts 🙂 awww air hug, or hug yourself, b/c I laid down blog love 🙂

  9. I hope he’s taking your feelings into account as much as you’re caring about his. This was a beautifully written post (as usual) and I’m glad that you shared it. You’re going to be just fine.

  10. You’re a calculating awesome princess, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

  11. Wow, talk about uncalled for. I really don’t care how he’s feeling, that’s just wrong. And it’s wrong in at least two senses that I can think of. It’s wrong for him to say that to you just because he’s not getting what he wants. But it’s also wrong in a more substantive sense. You aren’t heartless, and you aren’t nasty. As for calculating, I think that’s part of all of us, and it’s really only a bad thing if you do it excessively and without caring about others.

    The very way you handled the break up tells me you are neither heartless nor nasty. You cared about him and wanted to make the break up as, well, healthy as any break up can be. No lingering, no mooning about thinking “Maybe I can get her back”, your words were calculated to try and give him that parting gift. Maybe he can’t see that, maybe he’s just thinking about himself and what he wants, I don’t know. But I’d give yourself some space from him for a while if that’s how he’s going to behave.

    Oh, and giant hugs coming from Vancouver, as soon as I find an envelope big enough to fit them. And an address. Hmmm, this might be a difficult prospect, so consider yourself hugged instead.

  12. Anytime someone calls me a heartless calculating nasty bitch, I just smile and say. “Cool. That’s exactly what I was going for.” Tends to leave them speechless.

  13. That is undeserved. But if it’s any consolation, I suspect being called a “heartless, calculating and nasty bitch” by an ex-partner is…. kinda par for the course! If it came from a friend or colleague then I’d take notice of it. Don’t let words get you down 🙂

    • Oh come ON!

      The guy’s in emotional pain, for chrissake!

      Why don’t all of you stop crucifying the poor bastard for not reacting like a perfectly cold-hearted asshole who couldn’t give a shit whether he loses you or not….and GET REAL!!

      I wouldn’t mind betting he doesn’t have a web blog full of people stabbing YOU in the back and laughing at your pain, either!

      What a pack of loser females! I’m ashamed to be known as ‘female’ with you lot representing the majority of bitch mentality!

      • What you might not know is that they broke up 8 years ago. That’s a long time. He needs to get over it and move on. And what else you might not know is that supporting a friend takes precedence over the feelings of some anonymous mystery guy from your friend’s past.

        I guess when you break up with someone you take them on vacation first, and spend the week breaking up with them like some kind of anti-honeymoon? And then whenever they call, even if you’re married and have children or whatever, you still take their calls for years afterward and smooth over their widdle feeling place? Because I don’t think life works like that.

      • Well, then…in that case….screw him! lol

        Eight years is more than long enough to get over it….even my patience and understanding wouldn’t stretch that far.

      • Actually, she just broke up with him in June. But it’s good to see there’s some kind of statute of limitations on being a Stepford woman with you, and that you’re human. Everyone has their amount of time they think someone should get over a relationship. I think 7 months is plenty. And I certainly wouldn’t be convinced to give someone a second chance who just called me a heartless and calculating nasty bitch. And not just because I’m a man.

        I think the point here is if you want to break up with someone, why shouldn’t you? Why should you stay with people you no longer like simply because it’s the nice thing to do?

      • No one said anything about being a ‘Stepford’ woman and I certainly never made any comment about staying with someone just because they can’t get over it. Learn to read.

        I’ve certainly never stayed where love has died, but at the same time, I’ve never made a public fuss about it, either, just to masturbate my ego and collect a stable of sympathisers. That’s what real life friends are for, not hiding behind a keyboard with strangers.

        What I DID say, was that stabbing a guy in the back, airing dirty laundry and ridiculing him – in a very public forum, no less – demonstrates a lack of class. It’s just not cricket.

        If you want a pat on the back and to be told you’re not what he accuses you of being, then perhaps you have some self-worth issues that a professional might be able to help you with, rather than trying to validate yourself publicly?

        However, someone told me it’s been 8 years since they split, when I thought it had only just occurred, and 8 years is stretching the limit of patience where a breakup is concerned, even for me.

        Still, going public about it just seems tacky.

      • It’s not public. She’s not telling us his name or posting his picture or anything like that. She took care and chose words carefully to let him down as easily as possible. She didn’t shit all over him. It was as peaceful and polite as a breakup could be. She didn’t love him anymore, she broke up with him, and several months after the fact he acts out and calls her names. You read this and decide to defend HIM?

        What is it about this situation that evokes that reaction in you? What is your motive for attacking her and defending him? I guess I just don’t see it. What I see is that two people are calling her names now instead of one.

        Sorry about this person, Fred.

      • Don’t you dare be so self-righteous as to apologize ‘for me’. My comment is quite valid.

        Does it serving any purpose by continuing to publicly bad-mouth someone who’s no longer in your life? So what if he’s not named! Does that make it any better?

        What evokes my reaction? I’m sick and tired of watching ex-lovers bad mouth each other. Doing it publicly heals no one and only makes the ‘accuser’ (in this case, your beloved ‘fred’) look childish and bratty.

        Honestly, the whole thing smacks of ego masturbation and tackiness to me.

      • So, I’ve watched your responses with a mixture of amuse AND bemuse-ment today and have to ask:

        Why does it bother you so much that I choose to talk about my break up and feelings and experiences on this blog? And more to the point, why read it, if it vexes you so much?

        I stated in my original entry that this blog was a place for me to dump & marshall my thoughts as I worked thru the whole break up / singledom thing – so I didn’t drive my friends crazy.

        The fact that a bunch of people have signed up and read it is lovely, but you will note – if you bothered to read original entries, which you obviously have not – that in the early days I was posting my thoughts without said “stable of sympathisers” (as you refer to them) so your suggestion I’m doing this for any ego type reasons is erroneous, at best.

        As to your suggestion I’m being tacky .. Please do tell: Which bits in my post do you consider to be tacky? I think of tacky as vulgar and crass and for the life of me can’t see any of that above?

        And as EH said, I do go to some pains to make sure I do not mention my ex’s name nor bag him too much..

        Oh and in defence of the people who read and post on my blog now – none of the comments made are tacky or attacking him either for all they’re in support of me.. Much the same way I am sure his social networks (be they face to face or online) are supporting him as he goes thru’ the emotional roller coaster ride of this experience.

        And one last thing – The best way to avoid the pain and irritation of my blog is reaaaalllly simple. All you need to do is fuck off.. oops I mean just stop reading it 🙂

      • Consider it done. The world doesn’t need more of your type in it anyway.

      • Boy you must read fast .. Oh wait, you don’t – you skim, we’ve already ascertained that! LOL

        Not sure how you stopping reading and posting negative comments on my blog prevents the world from having more of my type but hey your logic left me perplexed a few comments back 😉

      • So, what, you’re going to judge a situation you know none of the background about, none of the backstory to? What makes you so qualified to judge here? You really have no idea what has gone on in her situation that gave rise to this post, that’s clear to me in everything you’ve said so far. You’re judging this whole thing on the basis of, what, this one post? You’re judging a person based on one interaction (and as she hasn’t responded to you, I think I’m rather stretching the term interaction here). Well done. :p

      • Well, you weren’t going to apologize for yourself.

        It doesn’t serve any purpose to publicly bad-mouth a person who was NEVER in your life. It doesn’t publicly heal anyone. And it makes you look childish and bratty. And tacky. Especially since you are apparently okay with ex-lovers bad mouthing each other once they’ve passed your arbitrary timeline.

  14. LOL – Julie, I finally was able to flick a response at the same time you did 🙂

    • I saw that after I hit post, but I couldn’t let that crap go uncommented. I just *love* those who judge others while possessing a less than full understanding of the situation or filter it through the lens of their own agenda. *rolls eyes*

      • Yeah I must admit I kinda read the original comment and went “erm, OK then” because obviously we have someone with strong views that were ever so slightly different to mine ie I was always gonna be the bad guy ..

        Then it got more snaky .. LOL

        I will never understand why people don’t just stop reading and get the hell to a new blog than actually take the time to launch an attack. Guess some people just have too much time on their hands!

  15. Wow…am I late to the party. All I can say is that honesty trumps all. I ended a relationship after years of being unhappy, staying only to keep the peace, and it turned out that he had been just as unhappy. A moments worth of pain would have saved us both years. You did the right thing.

  16. Glad I found your blog. Hang in there. We heartless b*tches must stick together!!!

    http://jleesblog.com 🙂

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