Heartless bitch reporting in..
So today I was advised that I’m a “heartless, calculating and nasty bitch”. I like to think this is similar to how any person driving under the speed limit ahead of me is a bloody moron (and every person over taking me is a %$#@! lunatic) i.e.: it is possibly not entirely accurate.
Tis fair to say I have stewed, been fucked off (‘scuse my French) and generally obsessed about this statement all day. Not for me the “Sticks and stones” thing. It rankled. More than a liddle..
And I don’t know why because if I am really honest with myself, I KNOW I am not all that nasty or heartless. Calculating, mm the jury is still out on that one lol .. Personally, I don’t think calculating is bad.. but prefer to call it “measured” or “analytical” .. 😉
Throughout the early days of break up week, i.e.: the week I told him my partner of almost 8yrs that it was over – I’d receive very distressing emails from him. As he grappled with the shock of what had happened.
And it made me grateful that I had agonised for weeks (and yes, I mean weeks – literally) about how I was going to end things cos it was horrible with a lot of thought and planning, if I’d not done this I can only imagine how bad it may have been..
You see, I thought very carefully about the words I would use in the break up speech. Remember: I didn’t hate him – I just was not in love with him any more. Hating someone, or even disliking them makes breaking up so much simpler I am sure.
The reason I thought it through so carefully was twofold:
1. I needed to be entirely sure there was NO ambiguity in the process. That in no way would I utter any words that he could cling to .. any phrase that could be a little vague and maybe encourage him to think he could change the fact I had said it was over. That was for my own benefit, as well as his of course. But I think it’s really important when breaking up, to think about these things.
2. I needed to be careful of the words I used (or prepared, in case asked) to describe how I felt and why I had ended it. Not wanting to hurt him any more than the act of ending our relationship was going to. Cos I was with a thinker. A deep and intense person who would take on board a statement and mull it over to ridiculous lengths. It’s just how he is..
In the same way I stewed over his statement today, I know he would have re-played the discussion over and over trying to make sense of it. I had to be kind, but firm. Be sure he knew I meant it but not mess him up so he’d be anxious moving into his next relationship.
In the end I opted for simple..
When asked “why?” I said: “I’m just not in love with you any more.” Now I guess maybe he could have said “I can make you fall back in love with me” but we’d talked in the past about how sad it would be to be with someone who wasn’t in love with you so this was a fairly “calculated” statement. And one he simply couldn’t refute. After all, they’re my feelings.
I recall 2 breakups of my own, ie times when I have been kicked to the curb, in the past.
Asshole.. oops I mean “Man” #1 said: “You’re too intense”. I’d be inclined to agree with this statement, so that wasn’t so bad altho I do think he used it as his “unambiguous” reason lol
Man #2 said: “I think you want too much from me.” I guess my expecting to see him now and then was pretty demanding huh..!
The song is so right, breaking up is hard to do. Hard to take. Hard to experience. Even for mean, nasty, horrible old bags like me!
Oh and for no other reason than that it irritated me, I’m sharing this lil caption below which I happen to think is the biggest pile of horseshit ever written. Well, other than many of the Shakespearean tragedies.. they irritate me too.
Hell who am I kidding, everything is irritating me after my day of stewing!
I’m off to take it out on a punching bag at the gym..
Posted on January 18, 2012, in Change, Grief, Humour, Life, Love, Rants, Relationships and tagged Blogging, Blogs, Dating, Divorce, Drinking, Heartbreak, Hope, Humor, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Marriage, Music, Optimism, personal, Random, Rants, Relationships. Friendship. Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.