Farewells & sweet, sweet memories..

Not so long ago I was pondering the wisdom of revisiting relationships from the past. It’s my experience that love doesn’t always come to an unpleasant end .. that sometimes it stops for reasons other than “I hate you and want you to die” …

Many of your comments made on that post suggested you’d experienced exactly this and / or believed that people (and circumstances) can change a lot during a decade, which is when I last was involved with the Hot-Shot-Banker from England.

HSB (Apt abbreviation in light of his work place!) and I have spent a whole heap of time together over the time he’s been here on a mid-winter break.. After our epic night out we’ve hung out and had a lovely time, I must admit.

But (you knew it was coming .. I’ll give you a moment ..) 😉 mid way through next week he is heading back to London and we’ll go back to our lives and nothing more will come of it. Of this I am certain.. And actually okay about, too..

You see, for all we reconnected in the nicest way imaginable (and I don’t mean sex, behave yourselves you horrible lot!) much of our time spent together has been in deep conversation. (Yes, sometimes over runny eggs and hangovers!)

And in a nutshell – he won’t be back here any time soon .. for anything more than visits. I have zero inclination to uproot my world and follow him and therefore .. it cannot be.

Which is kinda sad because HSB has developed into a fabulous man, from the carefree “lad” I knew in Europe. He was always dead sexy. Tall, tanned and with eyes that made me melt. I have a thing for a man with a sexy smile and laughing eyes. Tis fair to say I had a crush on him from the moment I met him and did everything in my power to catch his attention when we all lived together .. And apparently, I don’t gross him out completely now either – always a bonus!

However, we can never lose sight of the fact he lives some half a planet away from me. Or I live on the other side of earth to him – whichever you prefer..

I remember once asking a friend of mine who’s into the whole mystical scene what she thought of the whole concept of soul mates .. or perhaps more accurately, I was questioning her on whether she felt there was just “ONE” ultimate soul on this planet, for each of us ..

I also recall becoming deeply depressed because she said she does think we all have just the one .. She went on to admit that oftentimes we’ll never find them. Yeah – thanks Universe, love ya work.

Anyway, next week I, and a group of friends and family will head to the airport to send HSB on his way back to the other side of the planet. It will be a sad farewell.. but at the same time, it’s been a very sweet few weeks of recollections, reconnections and reminiscing.

And I will always be grateful for experiencing that ..

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on January 21, 2012, in Humour, Life, Love, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. I’ve learned that sometimes, you have to take the things you get and be grateful for them, even when the helping maybe isn’t as big as you’d like. Otherwise, you lose the ability to enjoy what you have while you have it because you’re forever lamenting there wasn’t enough. Lovely post, as always.

    • Agree Julie, the saddest thing I can imagine is to spend my life being too scared to try things .. But also not enjoying or appreciating the things I DO try even if they don’t quite pan out the way society or my family seem to think they should.

      Or hell, even if they don’t pan out how I’d like them to!

      Clearly a lesson to be learned in here for me somewhere, even if I don’t know what it is yet 😉

  2. I don’t believe in soul mates. Not in the romantic idealistic notion, anyway. A soul mate can be anyone…it could be a best friend, a lover, a sibling…someone you just connect with in a way you don’t with others. My best friend is definitely a soul mate. We don’t see each other often – he’s in Queensland and I’m in NSW and we don’t talk every day but that’s the beauty of a soul mate…when you do…when you are together…it’s always the same, not matter what’s happened in the mean time. There is a comfort and a trust there that is unbreakable.

    This is partly why there is not just “one”. You have have loads of soul mates and loads of lovers. You might get unbelievably lucky – one of your lovers might also be a soul mate – but they might not, and that’s ok too. No single person is ever going to be able to provide for your physical, emotional and intellectual needs. It’s impossible, and it’s ridiculous to put that sort of pressure on anyone.

    You might have several soul mates…one…or…none…but I think that’s unlikely. I think that you relate to different people at different periods of time too, this is also ok. I don’t think that humans were meant to meet their life partner at 18 and still be together 70 years later. Of course, it happens…but the frequency is exceptionally low. It’s much more reasonable to expect that people just grow and change as they age and then need and want different things…which is why plenty of relationships don’t end with “i hate you and want you to die”…you simply acknowledge that you’re not in the same place and wish them the best. that’s not to say it doesn’t hurt and isn’t sad…but it is part of change.

    sorry for the essay! 🙂 xo.

    • Love the essay!!

      And think I could agree re soulmates .. not so much that we don’t have them but that we can have more than one and that they may come in different forms to what society or the movies would have us believe …

      Thank you for the very thought provoking essay 😉

    • I agree with Nataly about what a soul mate actually is.. Author Thomas Moore describes it very well in his book titled “Soul Mates”.

  3. I don’t think there is only one person out there for everyone. I think there’s a lot of people you can get along with enough to spend the rest of your life with them. Maybe a lot times it is just circumstantial.. right place, right time = mr. right.

    • Getting on with him is a good start, I agree 🙂

      I guess I am a bad person destined to be alone mostly, because I want that intense love not to be replaced by “I don’t really want to cry when I wake up next to you so this is good” thing that tends to happen and I hear from everyone it is inevitable!

      Maybe it’s identifying what the phases of the relationship are so I don’t panic when I experience them?

      Meh, read those books .. still didn’t dig the change.

      And don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect dewy eyed romance .. I’m way too old and cynical for that crap. But I do not like how every single relationship settles into a routine of … routine.

      That’s perhaps the crux of it for me huh .. I want what cannot be done 😦

  4. I love your posts. Always thought provoking, always making me look at where I am from a different angle. Making me realize there is always another, less complicated way to see one’s situation.
    As for soul mates? The jury is out on this one. I’d like to think that being a soul mate is not only having that “connection” but seeing and loving that person exactly as they are, their imperfections and all and still loving them(although this does not mean we have to condone it).
    See what I mean…you make me dig deeper.

    • Awesome comment! And I can imagine my waffling on is making you think right now, with what’s going on for you!

      I like the idea of acceptance, I truly do. After all, I have major flaws so it’s only sensible to go “I aint all that, I’ll handle your quirks” too .. And love you .. flaws and all..

      In a way I think the word connection is at fault.

      Connection indicates something “special”, done by someone else / something else ..

      Ie: you get your phone connected by a ph co. Your power connected by a utility co.

      The UNIVERSE will point me to my soul mate and connect me .. thereby removing ME from any responsibility? I wonder ..

      Gah, you and me both got lots to think on now .. damnitall it’s too early for this 😉

      Hope you are doing okay there.. hugs

  5. Soulmates…hmmm maybe. Who knows? What I do know is that feeling you get at the start of a relationship is a feeling you need to still have further on into the relationship. You know the feeling right? Getting butterflies when it’s an hour away from seeing that special person….feeling an amount of excitement when you get a text from that person or wondering how long you should leave it after saying goodbye to them in person to send them a soppy txt saying how nice it was to see them.
    One major thing that is very hard not to get into is routine. Saying I love you because you have too, or being told to kiss them goodbye rather than wanting to. Buying gifts at Xmas but not really caring what they think of it any more. This seems to be something that happens a lot in relationships, and I think one of the cures is to not totally open yourself up to the other person. Keep yourself interesting, if they feel they know everything about you, the excitement and interest will fade. keep little bits of your personality locked away and slowly unlock them through the years you spend together rather than opening them all in the first couple of months.
    A lot of people think a soulmate is someone who has everything in common with themselves but I don’t think this is true. It is nice at first in a relationship to have loads in common as it makes conversation easier but after a while you will start to clash. You will feel like you already know the other person inside out and will soon become bored. So my advice is to go for the complete opposite kind of guy to normal and you might be pleasantly surprised!

    Sorry, got a little carried away there, always nice to pass on views on subjects that everyone experiences!

    • No apologies ever required for carrying on around here! It’s what I do all the time, nice to have company *grins*

      I totally adore the butterflies sensation you describe! The hopping from foot to foot in anticipation etc and I’ve had that last for a long time in relationships before but other things went awry (damnitall) ..

      They were the ones where he kept things from me and it was never boring, always a bit exciting as I learned slowly more and more about him .. til I realised he was a complete cock and we were destined to fail lol ..

      One downfall to that method.

      The other issue for me is that I am an open book. I simply cannot be mysterious. If I feel something I will say so. If I want to know something, I will ask. I so wish I could be more female in that regard.. because I think you’re onto something .. but I caaaan’t. Therefore your comment bites 😉

      OK I’ll stop being a cheeky tart now and say this – I’ve been for opposites. They do not attract after awhile, they irritate. That’s my personal experience. I’ve been for my twin with a penis – he was fantastic as you’d imagine (snorts) OK so we were aligned and alike in so many ways and it was really cool.. but you are dead right – we got boring.

      We knew each other inside and out .. and had a pleasant time of it but .. it .. was .. stultifyingly boring .. we were that couple that could win any “know your other half” competition.

      Funny how people crave that (I’ve had many say so, to me on here and irl) and yet when you get it, it’s somehow not as cool…

      Meh.

      I’m destined to be forever single and whinging online to you lot about it, let’s hope WordPress has large capacity servers cos I plan on living a long time 😉 😉

  6. Don’t forget about my prediction, Fred! You’re gonna meet him. You know, “him”.

  7. I am glad this interlude found you and there was that special touch, but not special enough to have you uproot your world and/or life.

    Soulmates. I, too, could write a book on this but I am resisting the temptation. Right now I am more concerned with getting things right with my own self, and being wholly authentic. For many years I was consumed with the aching, wondering where “He” was, but that yearning seems totally absent.

    Right now, today, I am grateful for the love in my life from all sources. Even myself. Sufficient to today is what I have. ( but I am always open to possibility:))

    • I totally and utterly get what you are saying! I am looking at 2012 as “the year of the dragon” in a different way to everyone else .. I’m often called the dragon lady at the office, (jerks lol) so this is MY year .. My year to be healthy, to be happy and to .. be!

      And whatever happens to me, as I “be”, I will run with and (hopefully enjoy) but always learn ..

  8. a very sweet post. continue…

  9. SarSaparillameliSSa

    Enjoyed reading this post. Whats a soulmate? Why are we attracted to some people with that instant tingly feeling? I don’t know whether there is one “special person” out there for me but I have found that the stronger the connection, the more that relationship has taught me about life, them and most of all me (because at the end of the day its all about me!). I’m in love at the moment, its been one of the most challenging relationships I’ve ever had because of circumstances around us rather than our connection – which works really well emotionally, spiritially and sexually. In two years we’ve been through a stalky ex situation, serious illness, two house moves (we don’t live together), car theft, job changes and now major depression! Its chaos around us, but by golly its taught me a lot about my defects (ummm…you know the kind, commitment issues, lack of compassion, patience, listening skills, trust, setting boundaries ) and how to deal with whats thrown at you. And if it ends yeah I don’t think it will be because the love goes, just that maybe all the lessons that were meant to be learnt by both of us will be done. This is probably why I will be an old woman alone with many cats when I’m sixty :-). But what is the point of what I’m saying…its ok for everything to have its time and to enjoy things for what they are, the best is surely yet to come and with relationships its not just about starting them but knowing when to end them too (I didn’t and ended up married and increasingly mental for 8 years. Lesson learnt). Which from reading your posts you seem to know how to do. Rant over.

    • Love the rant! And especially the bit about knowing that all the lessons needed to be learned are done .. that is something I often think about ..that no experience is a wasted one, so long as we learn something. EVEN if you only learn “I did not like that”. It’s a lesson, learned. Hopefully one you do no repeat! LOL

      Sounds like you guys have run the gamut of crap, I’m glad you’re in love and enjoying it! And if you end up an old lady with cats at 60, look me up .. I’ll be there too methinks! *grins*

  10. Hmmmm….Soul mates? Not likely. But a lovely, romantic notion. Perhaps someone special at different parts of your life, for different aspects of your self, and most certainly, in different parts of the world, someone who loves you for who you are without wanting to change you.

    I dunno: I think that what you want is doable if you find an equal.

    I read somewhere that to love is to create a work of art, and that keeping love is a constant creative act. Kind of makes sense. People think that if it’s the right two people that it’s easy. And it is, the same way that it’s easy to do the work you love. Still gotta do the work.

    So here’s what I have learned, as the one who has avoided relationships, and left when it got boring, and then, well, got some interesting life lessons showing up on my doorstep: falling in love (or thinking it) is the easiest part and the fastest to fall apart. Relationships take work to not fall into slouch on the couch nights every day of the week. nurturing a relationship in ways that make sense for the two people in it. Talking about things so that there’s an understanding and agreement on what the relationship is, where it is and where it’s going. So maybe, just maybe the trick is to find someone who’s equally willing to do the work of keeping the relationship interesting, creative, fun, alive — you know — get the oxytocin going?

What do you think? I'd love to hear from you ..

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