Dating disasters – Episode I

Many years ago, back when we all paid for our internet by the hour (And it was $#@! expensive) and only weirdoes hung out on that funny interwebs thing – I was there!

Online dating was not the done thing then .. We mostly used the net to watch porn (hey I’m being honest damnit, stop giggling) .. sheesh..  That said, people did get to know each other.

You could post about yourself on special interest (shut up I mean knitting and .. stuff) forums.

And of course, as happens in any “community”, people would form friendships and hang out in the various chat rooms (where we used commands like //boot or o O (laughs) <– to this day I do not know why you do the o O (thing) but.. Yes well, we’ve established already that there’s lots of things I don’t understand.. 😉

I well recall the hilarity that ensued when people were in the room but clearly “PMing” each other and would forget to do the right command and a random “oh baby yes .. and I’m unzipping my dress” would appear in the scrolling text .. brilliant! And yes, we teased them mercilessly, til they ran away to another room.. Ah the good old days ..

I had a few adventures with meeting men via this medium and thought I’d share a couple of them with you. Some are not so bad, while others are somewhat wince-worthy!

The first guy I met was very bizarre, when I think about it. The way it transpired, I mean.

I called a help-desk in a tizzy one day after encountering problems with my internet connection. The guy who took my call was lovely. Funny, patient and more importantly: He fixed my internet, heck he could have had my kidneys and first born, I had an addiction and he sorted my fix.

There was (wait for it..) a connection 😉

During the course of the reasonably long help-desk call, Mr Internet and I added each other to our ICQ (I seek you .. I’m ashamed to admit how long it took me to work out what that stood for) and from then on we chatted often. Like I said he was funny .. and smart. Heck he worked on the interwebs after all!

After a couple of weeks he called me on the phone. And from here, the course was set .. Hours were spent on the phone each evening after work chatting til bed time.. What can I say? He gave great phone.

Then one day Mr Internet says: “I want to meet you”.

I was not really expecting it because, well .. people off the internet didn’t meet, that was .. weird. But I caved in after fielding several more weeks of his requests to meet.

Once I realised I was kinda thinking he might be ok (let’s face it, 4 hours a night on the phone you learn a whole lot about someone!) I suggested we should swap pictures.

I wanted to know who I was chatting with and figured he should have the same, so duly set to having some photos of me scanned and sized to be emailed..

Lesson learned: even back THEN (but especially now in this day and age of technology!) if a person does not offer you a picture there’s possibly a good reason!

He said he didn’t have any online and because I was younger and naive I didn’t really think anything of it. Sent him 2 pics of me and we kept on chatting .. Finally the day arrived when he was due to visit.

Call me a hussy but we had arranged that he would stay with me .. I had a big house and plenty of room. I guess in hindsight I should be grateful he wasn’t an axe murderer but yeah well that would have at least been .. interesting..

On D-Day, Mr Internet pulls up and knocks on the door. My heart is all a-flutter .. I’ll be honest – I was in a right state. The ladies who read my blog will well know the lengths I’d gone to in preparation for this auspicious event.. He lived 5 hours away and I’d spent every moment of his drive preparing!

I opened the door and my fluttering heart .. sunk..

He’d described himself as a “big tall bloke”. He neglected to mention he was as wide as he was tall. He squeezed his way thru’ my front door and grasped me to his sweaty, heaving man-boobs. Fighting for air I lifted my face up between his cleavage.

First mistake!

Fleshy.. moist, greedy lips adhered themselves to my prettily painted mouth as he proceeded to grope every part of my body in approx. 3.4 seconds flat .. all the while attempting to seek and destroy my tonsils with his tongue. Or he was after the gold filling I’d told him about in one of my back teeth..

Extricating myself from his sweaty embrace, I remembered my manners and invited him in. WHY I didn’t just throw him out then is beyond me cos oh really .. he was all things ugly rolled into one unfortunate man. He had greasy hair. He was dressed in an old black tee shirt and jeans. He had body odour. Bad breath. And he was 300lb at the very least .. and he wasn’t that tall..

But I invited him to sit down and went to pour us drinks (I drank mine in the kitchen then poured another right quick!) and went back to the lounge determined to be polite.

Only to find he had laid himself out on the couch with his jeans unzipped. Initially I thought maybe they’d busted due to his .. size. (Overhang, that is!) But no .. very quickly it was clear that he seemed to expect a nice-to-meat-you-blow job.

I shit you not..

If this wasn’t the perfect time to kick him out, I dunno what was ever going to be. But I’d invited him and I felt .. well heck who are we kidding – I couldn’t throw him out if my life depended on it, he was twice my size lol

After suggesting to him that maybe he sit up and drink his drink (and very clearly setting his mind straight on the lack of welcome-BJ) my brain kicked into gear and I fired off the “save me” text to my gal-pal. The deal we had was that she would call me with an emergency that ONLY I could help her with, should the need arise.

As we know, it wasn’t only the need that had arisen! I needed rescuing!

Minutes later, my phone rang, a one sided emergency phone call was held and next thing you know I have to leave town to go and visit a dying friend. Actually, I don’t recall the line I fed him at this point, I was just so relieved to get the hell out!

It does get worse: He offered to come with me to my friends’ place. And I can’t really blame him, after all – he was 5 hours from his home but I just didn’t care. I locked my house up (he only left it to follow me, else I have NO idea how I’d have gotten him out) and drove off telling him there was a motel down the road if he needed one.

How does it get worse?

He emailed me when he got back home. Saying he’d fallen madly, wildly in love with me and our meeting – albeit brief, had merely served to confirm his love for me and he wanted to move to my town and be with me, happily ever after.

I am now with a different internet company and live in a different town..

Idea sort of stolen from this blog – thanks for the inspiration, ladies!

About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on January 22, 2012, in Humour, Love, Rants and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. Love your post! Nice walk down memory lane !!

  2. Wow, Susan and I have inspired this. Thanks for the shout out, although it’s going to be tough to get to sleep after having seen that photo. Or maybe I don’t want to fall asleep. I imagine having a nightmare about this. His boobs are bigger than mine.

    • He was a whole lotta man alright. I’ll be honest, I rather like a big man .. but the lack of hygiene and class was verrrrry disconcerting / off putting to say the least!! And yes, you and Susan are to blame for this *grin*

  3. Seemed like a real prize…. 😉

  4. Omg, can’t breathe for laughing. I am now reminded why I have a firm policy against that sort of thing, gained from the days when I did not have said policy and had a few of my own experiences. None of mine are quite that bad, mostly because I did them in my late teens and my folks would never have agreed to me having random strangers I met on the interwebs stay at our house. Thank you Mom and Dad for saving me from myself, if inadvertently.

    I really love his expectation of a welcoming BJ. That’s, um, a whole new kind of special (and desperate on his part, I suspect from the above description). :p

  5. I think it has happened to U/us all…at one time or another. Wonderfull story! Thanks

  6. Gah! Awful. I remember the days of personal ads, before the internet really took off. I met a woman, and we hung out, and she was okay, but she had the worst breath. As though she had just eaten a diaper or something. And she was totally into me. I was like her Adonis or something. And all I could think about what “soon this will be over, and her lips will be leaving with her face, and I’ll brush my teeth, and all will be right with the world. And perhaps a shower would be in order as well.”

    • I don’t get it .. there is NO reason for people not to shower, take a mint and slap on a bit of deodorant!!? Is it arrogance? Lack of awareness .. What? It’s awful whatever handle we apply, that is for sure!

  7. Oh Gawd! Talk about a horrifying example of “Nightmare on Whatever Street You Live on Street”!!!

    And yes, I have my own tales I could tell…But then I’d have to erase the memory of anyone who read them, so I guess that’s one book I won’t be writing. But it wasn’t all bad; in fact some of it was great. But it could get very complicated… Way too complicated.

    • LOLOL Amen to that Chris. I think anyone who’s been on the market has been in a similar situation.. and the lady who inspired this sounds a bit like me .. she’s no quitter so the odds are up on awful experiences amid the rest 😉

  8. Had a very similar encounter with a very heavy ginger girl. The only difference was instead of just unzipping her pants, she went the whole hog and laid there in a very ill fitting thong and bra. When I walked into her room, I was eating a pizza, I sat on the end of her bed ate the rest of the pizza then went home!

    Great post!

    • You could still eat the pizza? You are a legend, man!! I was put off bangers and mash for a loooooooooooooooong time .. *grin* I am of the view that thongs are ill fitting on anyone who doesn’t look like Kate Moss ..

  9. Makes me proud to be a man. 😐

  10. I think we very nearly crossed that fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.. Thank god for gal pals!

  11. **shivers** ick… Horrible, horrible, horrible!

    I remember those days… If you met someone on the internet, people thought you were out of ur ever lovin’ mind. Like everyone on the internet was some freak serial murderer… Didn’t you want to just say.. “well, I was on there too”? Lol

    I always remember hearing “well, he could totally lie!” ha! What, people can’t lie in person? Come on… Amazing how much things have changed.

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