Dating disasters – Episode II

A colleague introduced me to this particular disaster, some 12 years ago now. He was her business partner and she thought we’d get on well.. And we did! He was hilarious.. displayed a good blend of acerbic wit and intellect.

Like disaster #1, he gave great email and we totally got the whole LOL thing .. often. It was fun.

Eventually we agreed we wanted to meet ..I said I’d cook him dinner. The big night duly arrived and he turned up on time and although he was very nervous hey, he didn’t have man boobs and he kept his jeans zipped up so by all accounts, things were going well.

I confess a moment of dismay when it registered that he was a good 9 inches shorter than me and of very slight build. No woman likes to feel like an Amazon next to a man. Unless it’s cos he’s 6’3 and built like a tank .. I had to resist the urge not to pat him on the head when he walked by me *grins*

Ah well, he was funny and nice .. so this wasn’t a dead loss .. an amusing, intelligent dinner companion was not something to .. pooh-pooh.

During dinner he was well mannered but .. oddly .. he kept excusing himself to go to the bathroom.. After the 3rd time I finally cracked and asked him if everything was alright. Never yet met a man who didn’t like lasagne but it could be he was running off to spit it out as opposed to wanting to offend me?

He said everything was fine, continued to pick at his meal and we tried to keep a conversation going. The constant interuptions for bathroom breaks did make a flowing conversation ever so slightly difficult. But we boxed on and it was quite enjoyable .. Between pitstops, anyway.

Dinner (and toileting) over with, we moved to the living room and proceeded to watch a DVD that he’d bought over .. one I’d said I’d not seen, that was sweet of him – showed he “listened” and we sat on the sofa together watching .. interrupted only by a few bathroom breaks.

By this time I was more than relaxed .. he could have peed in the plant in the corner, really cos I’d moved onto the 2nd wine.. bottle that is .. He had kindly bought 2 as his contribution to the evening .. And while I waited for him to go potty I’d top up my drink and wait ..

Then the 2nd bottle was opened during the movie and I guzzled my way through it without even noticing – he would top my glass up each time he returned from the loo. Looking back I realised he hadn’t had a single mouthful .. And so it was, that I was utterly tanked by the time the movie came to a close..

It was around this time that I was brave (rude?) enough to finally ask him wtf he was doing going to the loo every 15 mins and he confessed he was very nervous as he was inexperienced in the dating game and it made his tummy upset causing the usual response betwixt gut and bowel.. I was sorry I asked lol

In my drunken state, I thought a massage would help him relax and proceeded to suggest he take his shirt off so I could massage his shoulders while we watched a 2nd movie .. He complied happily and sat in front of me so I could do my thing.

At this point I have to say it was a little disconcerting seeing a tiny man shirtless, his chest was smooth like a boy’s and he was just so .. little .. but hey .. he was nice, remember. The massage was fun, it’s something I’m good at and he relaxed very nicely which was kind of good (I was sure I’d be running low on paper by this time!)

Fast fwd a little and we were both on the floor making out and once I got past the fact I felt like I was hugging my nephew (who was of similar build at age 10) I just kinda went with it..

Deciding I needed to go freshen up, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and returned some 5 or so minutes later .. Only to find he’d been busy!

He’d dragged my beautifully soft mohair throw off the couch and laid it on the floor and arranged pillows and then himself .. but it wasn’t as bad as the other guy. He had stripped down but just to boxers .. and sox.. that was a little off-putting but I slugged back a glass of brandy (the wine had long run out) and boxed on.

This is about the time it did go horribly wrong.

I’ll save you the gory details but suffice to say part way thru the massage that continued, he popped off for one last (sigh) visit to the throne room and when he returned he’d whipped off his boxers to reveal a tiny little bottom in a tiny little lime green (oh dear lord) g string.

Now some men (not many!) can carry off the g string look but they need to be able to .. er .. fill it, shall we say .. When he returned he lay down and positioned himself in all his glory and oh how I remember the double take..

I looked down .. and without a word of a lie – there was nothing there. I’m not kidding! It took ALL my self control not to get the giggles as I stared down trying to work out (drunkenly) what the heck was missing .. then it dawned on me!

Tragically, he was perfectly proportional .. for his slight frame and height.

Now it’s around here that I realised I just couldn’t go on and feigned a tummy ache (Like he could argue with that one!) and called the evening to a close.

If we’re thinking mood killers .. well let’s just say there was nothing remotely sexy about the fact that he had butt floss in a place that had been recently and regularly, er.. evacuated.. and if that wasn’t bad enough .. there was the sizeable issue of .. his lack of equipment.. I am not kidding you people .. think your middle finger ..well he was smaller!

Maybe it was mean that I killed things here, but for a woman, or for me anyway – I need to be aroused sufficient to want to head toward home base and my god this scene before me was anything but a turn on..

Wasn’t a total loss – If nothing else we know the answer to that age old question.

It matters!

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on January 23, 2012, in Humour, Love, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. You know, there are some things you shouldn’t spring on someone else, and g-string you can’t carry off is one of them. I’m not a fan of them to begin with, but that’s going way too far. I feel a little sorry for the guy, but at the same time, I agree, you need someone who arouses you, and that wouldn’t have done it for me either. :p My, you do seem to have all the, er, luck, don’t you?

    • Oh I know what you mean Julie, I felt sorry for him too.

      But one thing I do not like is “sympathy sex”. It always leaves one feeling reallllllly bad lol .. in this case I’d probly not have felt anything (dies laughing)

      The odds are he’s met a nice girl and they’re happy cos he was a sweetie .. but the combination of pooping every 30 mins and size, just was not gonna work for me.

      I have to admit, I have had some lovely dating experiences too .. maybe I should post them too, just for the sake of balance! Dunno tho, the tragic ones make for funner reading I guess!

  2. I have had to bite my tongue to stop howling laughing at this….the lime green g string…Oh my!!!! Definately not for you. I would go so far as to state not for me, either.

  3. preciousbydesign

    OMG…these last 2 posts made me die in hysterics! I am glad to know that I’m not the only one with these types of sorry tales. If you care to, take a gander at my top 3 dating disasters, which I shared a while back: http://preciousbydesign.wordpress.com/2011/04/15/when-bad-dates-happen-to-nice-ish-people/

    • Brilliant, yours were worse than mine I reckon .. ah the joys of trying to meet Mr Right huh! Like you said in your blog .. it’s not all bad, but the fabulous dates just smack of gloating whereas we all can relate to these horror dates lol

  4. I’m right there with you, size matters. Lime green g-strings matter, too. Put them both together and there’s just no way there’s enough nice to make up for it!

    My worst dating experience is still the man who asked me, after a brief moment of kissing, “if he took something out, would I touch it?”

    Really? I mean, really?!

    Umm . . . NO. No, I won’t “touch it”. Not when you put it like that!

  5. It’s scary to think that some guys out there are that clueless. A lime g string??? That’s inexcusable, because that’s a choice he made, and an astoundingly bad one! The very unfortunate frequent trips to the loo were less under his control, but assuming he’d had ANY prior experience (which he might not have…) he still could have chugged a bottle of Pepto Bismol and popped (instead of pooped) five Imodium tabs to bind up the problem there.

    But his member being smaller than your little finger is nothing less than a sexual disability, and I feel sorry for him for being the victim of such cruelty in genetics beyond his control. But the lime g string is the most lame thing I’ve heard of, since one of my clueless 16 yr old friends put a condom on his weiner under his clothes BEFORE going on a date!

  6. Haha actual lol’ing! Where, on earth do you find these men?! G-string for crying out loud what was he thinking?
    I’m in the bath reading this and, let’s just say after your middle finger remark some measuring went on followed by a huge sigh of relief!!

  7. nothing says erotic like serial diarrhea…i mean, if i’m wrong tell me. 🙂 continue…

  8. OMG that was too funny! Nice pic. Even with two bottles and more it was NOT gonna happen!

  9. Sounds like a date with The Artist Formerly Known As Prince…

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