Dating disasters – Episode II
A colleague introduced me to this particular disaster, some 12 years ago now. He was her business partner and she thought we’d get on well.. And we did! He was hilarious.. displayed a good blend of acerbic wit and intellect.
Like disaster #1, he gave great email and we totally got the whole LOL thing .. often. It was fun.
Eventually we agreed we wanted to meet ..I said I’d cook him dinner. The big night duly arrived and he turned up on time and although he was very nervous hey, he didn’t have man boobs and he kept his jeans zipped up so by all accounts, things were going well.
I confess a moment of dismay when it registered that he was a good 9 inches shorter than me and of very slight build. No woman likes to feel like an Amazon next to a man. Unless it’s cos he’s 6’3 and built like a tank .. I had to resist the urge not to pat him on the head when he walked by me *grins*
Ah well, he was funny and nice .. so this wasn’t a dead loss .. an amusing, intelligent dinner companion was not something to .. pooh-pooh.
During dinner he was well mannered but .. oddly .. he kept excusing himself to go to the bathroom.. After the 3rd time I finally cracked and asked him if everything was alright. Never yet met a man who didn’t like lasagne but it could be he was running off to spit it out as opposed to wanting to offend me?
He said everything was fine, continued to pick at his meal and we tried to keep a conversation going. The constant interuptions for bathroom breaks did make a flowing conversation ever so slightly difficult. But we boxed on and it was quite enjoyable .. Between pitstops, anyway.
Dinner (and toileting) over with, we moved to the living room and proceeded to watch a DVD that he’d bought over .. one I’d said I’d not seen, that was sweet of him – showed he “listened” and we sat on the sofa together watching .. interrupted only by a few bathroom breaks.
By this time I was more than relaxed .. he could have peed in the plant in the corner, really cos I’d moved onto the 2nd wine.. bottle that is .. He had kindly bought 2 as his contribution to the evening .. And while I waited for him to go potty I’d top up my drink and wait ..
Then the 2nd bottle was opened during the movie and I guzzled my way through it without even noticing – he would top my glass up each time he returned from the loo. Looking back I realised he hadn’t had a single mouthful .. And so it was, that I was utterly tanked by the time the movie came to a close..
It was around this time that I was brave (rude?) enough to finally ask him wtf he was doing going to the loo every 15 mins and he confessed he was very nervous as he was inexperienced in the dating game and it made his tummy upset causing the usual response betwixt gut and bowel.. I was sorry I asked lol
In my drunken state, I thought a massage would help him relax and proceeded to suggest he take his shirt off so I could massage his shoulders while we watched a 2nd movie .. He complied happily and sat in front of me so I could do my thing.
At this point I have to say it was a little disconcerting seeing a tiny man shirtless, his chest was smooth like a boy’s and he was just so .. little .. but hey .. he was nice, remember. The massage was fun, it’s something I’m good at and he relaxed very nicely which was kind of good (I was sure I’d be running low on paper by this time!)
Fast fwd a little and we were both on the floor making out and once I got past the fact I felt like I was hugging my nephew (who was of similar build at age 10) I just kinda went with it..
Deciding I needed to go freshen up, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and returned some 5 or so minutes later .. Only to find he’d been busy!
He’d dragged my beautifully soft mohair throw off the couch and laid it on the floor and arranged pillows and then himself .. but it wasn’t as bad as the other guy. He had stripped down but just to boxers .. and sox.. that was a little off-putting but I slugged back a glass of brandy (the wine had long run out) and boxed on.
This is about the time it did go horribly wrong.
I’ll save you the gory details but suffice to say part way thru the massage that continued, he popped off for one last (sigh) visit to the throne room and when he returned he’d whipped off his boxers to reveal a tiny little bottom in a tiny little lime green (oh dear lord) g string.
Now some men (not many!) can carry off the g string look but they need to be able to .. er .. fill it, shall we say .. When he returned he lay down and positioned himself in all his glory and oh how I remember the double take..
I looked down .. and without a word of a lie – there was nothing there. I’m not kidding! It took ALL my self control not to get the giggles as I stared down trying to work out (drunkenly) what the heck was missing .. then it dawned on me!
Tragically, he was perfectly proportional .. for his slight frame and height.
Now it’s around here that I realised I just couldn’t go on and feigned a tummy ache (Like he could argue with that one!) and called the evening to a close.
If we’re thinking mood killers .. well let’s just say there was nothing remotely sexy about the fact that he had butt floss in a place that had been recently and regularly, er.. evacuated.. and if that wasn’t bad enough .. there was the sizeable issue of .. his lack of equipment.. I am not kidding you people .. think your middle finger ..well he was smaller!
Maybe it was mean that I killed things here, but for a woman, or for me anyway – I need to be aroused sufficient to want to head toward home base and my god this scene before me was anything but a turn on..
Wasn’t a total loss – If nothing else we know the answer to that age old question.
Posted on January 23, 2012, in Humour, Love, Relationships, Stress and tagged Blogs, Dating, Hope, Humor, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Marriage, Online dating, personal, Random, Rants, Relationships. Friendship. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.