Romance, Communication.. And Issues

Earlier today I found myself thinking about the way our past relationships /experiences can impact our future. What prompted this was the fact I’ve had quite a few dealings with lawyers and the ex as we finally wrap up the last bits of what was once our life together.

For all I realise relationships ending are generally going to mess one or the other up, I did try my hardest not to fuck him over royally when ending ours. But one never knows the impact, do we ..

And so it was that my thoughts drifted back to when I was a teenager.

It was so much simpler then, for all it didn’t bloody seem like it. For a start, love was something I totally, unswervingly believed in and – refer earlier simple statement: I was just happy waiting for it to show up.

You know how so many people advise “don’t look for love, it’ll just come to you” – that describes teen-me to a tee! I believed.You could say I was the ultimate romantic teen (weren’t we all?) complete with rose tinted spectacles.

I just loved the idea of love, romance, one special boy .. family ..  happily ever after.. It didn’t occur to me I’d not get it. And that surety, that total belief of the fact it was going to be mine – I have to admit, it felt kinda nice!

Now fast forward (bear with me, this’ll be one of those back and forth reminisce posts!) to now .. And I think to myself: What has changed?

Although I am no longer a young girl with a head filled with notions of romance, teddy bears and roses. I do still want romance in my life. I’ll go out on a limb here and say most of us do.

But I’ve also been burned along the way and this has had an impact on how I think, when in a relationship.

Take right now, for example: 

A certain fabulous blogger friend predicted I would find 2 men to choose from this year and it seems he may be onto something. I know .. He scares me too.

Right now I’ve got 2 gorgeous men on the “scene”. Without going into details, I think I know which one will go the distance and am happy with that. But he’s part of the reason why I was laying in bed this morning thinking about how much less simple romance is, now that I’m a cynical old baggage.

Try and keep up cos now we’re going to head back to when I was a teen. And bear in mind this was in the days before cell phones, emails, twit-face etc. So the boy had to man-up and call me to get the date in the first place.

Once done, this then set about a chain of events that never varied:

1. I had to suck up to my parents big time so when I said “can I go out on Saturday night” they’d say yes.

2. I had to tell all my friends. Oh the phone calls and chats at lunchtime – so exciting!

3. I then had to spend hours selecting my outfit and doing all the usual preparations (hairdo, nails etc) preferably with a friend or three in tow, and of course: had to play all the right music to let the world know I was heady in love and going out with my sweetheart.

Assuming the date was a success, and most were (which didn’t help with the tint on my spectacles one jot!) I’d be dropped home at the agreed time (or as close to it as we thought we could get away with!) and yet another chain of events commenced:

1. I’d lay in bed starry eyed thinking about how fabulous the evening was .. Mulling over every moment, every touch or glance or .. if things went well – each kiss.

2. Then I’d spend the week day-dreaming and of course: telling my friends all about it.

3. I’d await his call. But happily so. There was no issue with him not making contact 4.3 seconds after he dropped me off. There was no expectation of him emailing, facestalking, twittering etc. Not the least cos that technology didn’t exist lol

Instead, I had whatever happened in our last “meeting” as my reference point and this meant that I totally, utterly believed and trusted that everything was okay and I’d just look forward to hearing from him again “soon”, whilst basking in those memories of our fun date.

Of course, there does exist a statute of limitations even for this hapless romantic. If I hadn’t heard from him within 7-10 days I would call. No recriminations, just a phone call. And it generally would end in the setting of another date.

Don’t get me wrong, not every time – some dates were duds. But overall, I was very fortunate in my teen dating experiences.

A quick question for you now: Tell me you can remember that feeling inside of total and utter “giddiness”, of breaking into a silly grin or finding yourself smiling for no particular reason only to realise it’s related to that person.. Mm .. That is how I spent my days following a teen-date. It was awesome..

Back to the here-and-now and I’m in bed thinking about the man I spent some time with 2 days ago ..  Yes, the giddy secret smile and all, cos tis fair to say he’s doing everything right.

I’m the first thing he does (er, that didn’t quite come out right!) when he gets home from work the first thing he does is touch base .. That’s better *grin* He’s taking it slowly but not so slow I have ANY reason to think he isn’t interested. I get emails from him at work if time permits. If I call him at work he sounds delighted, even when he’s busy.

He’s charming, funny, handsome as all hell.. He’s articulate, intelligent, in a great job. Treats me like a princess but pulls me up if I try my luck (damn him). I am never in any doubt as to where he is, when he’ll contact me or why he can’t contact me (if he’s travelling, which is a lot).

But this is the issue I have been pondering: that need for constant, high speed (and tech, if do-able) communication. It’s something that’s having a major impact on modern day relationships. Am I imagining this, or am I right?

A) It makes things move at warp speed.. Which is great for an impatient person like me 😉
B) It makes you totally and utterly freak out if the comms slows up for any reason. Which aint so good for an over-thinker like me 😉

You see, the day before we had an amazing time together. Then he set off to work and without warning his work plans changed mid-way thru the day and he became busy / unavailable.

I noticed the lack of response to emails or texts and I stewed on it.

I wondered had I done something wrong? Had I mis-read the situation and maybe he wasn’t that into me? Had he met someone else .. I mean really .. YES I thought that last one. The man left me, saying all the right things .. went off to work and met someone else and that is why I hadn’t heard from him.

WTFever, I’m retarded.

But this brings me back to the fact that one of the things I guess *I* have been impacted by over my dating disasters and relationships that have ended is “abandonment” / poor communication.

I loathe being left stranded, wondering what went wrong. It really does my head in.. So I’m hyper-sensitive to it, even when it aint actually an issue 😉

OMG wait!!

Does this mean I am high maintenance?

Ah well, always good to find something out about oneself, for all it came as a bit of a shock!


About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on February 11, 2012, in Hope, Humour, Life, Love, Rants, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. You are one of the most amazing people on the whole entire blogosphere. You know that, don’t you?

    I predict….. LOL I already predicted, didn’t I.

  2. Swami Hotspur. Yeah, that is a frightening idea. *runs for the hills, realizes they’re mountains and decides to head for the couch instead*

    Seriously, though, I so understand the questioning and wondering. I’ve had my own issues in relationships in the past, and I’m aware of the effect they’ve had on me. I think it’s good to be aware of that, in hopes that you’ll recognize and deal with it when it’s happened. And I think the near instant constant communication makes everybody at least a little impatient.

    Glad to hear there’s a good reason you’ve left us all bereft for so much of the time. 😉

    • I think you and I are very similar in our over-analysis at times but you know, I’d still rather do that than be oblivious and never learn from my experiences .. So NYAH to them *grin*

      I think knowing my own red flags or problem ‘spots’ is really useful, I’ve not often actually gone “oh wow, there’s me being a dickhead” quite like I did today tho LOL

      Sorry for abandoning you again! But yes, been fabulously busy .. I’m still working on my awards, I got 2 last week. Can’t wait to tell you about them heheh ..

      • We forgive you. And I’m happy to see you’re still getting awards 🙂 As I’ve said before, anyone who can make me laugh that hard deserves them.

        And you’re right, being aware of the things you do and analyzing them is important. I just sometimes wonder if I do myself more harm than good by going too far in it. I tend to strive for balance in all things. Then I wonder if I’m over-analyzing my over-analysis.

        Hmm, this seems… circular. Oh well. I think that’s what happens when I try to think about my life *after* my daily writing session. *zones out entirely due to brain leakage*

      • Are you a Libran? That’s classic .. seeking balance (but doing the ol’ see saw thing in the process)

        I am the same as you, balance is critically important to me. I’ve had some really neat moments of clarity this week which I’m hopeful will serve me well in my future.. So, I say we keep on over analysing (like we can stop hah!) and roll with it.

        Saw your post, hope you slept well after your epic day / week of writing in between that annoying work stuff??

      • Yeah, I slept. Then my brain woke up at 6:30 in the morning. On a bloody saturday! Oh well. At least I get to write all day today and tomorrow. I’ll take it. At least I managed to pour my brain back into my skull at some point.

        And actually, crazy stubborn Taurus here.

  3. Behold, the mental diarrhea of the modern day woman smitten in love. Just breathe you crazy ass.

  4. Yup communications have changed the dating world and beyond! I guess we just gotta get used to it cause it’s here to stay. You can still get that giddy rush when you see an e-mail left, or a text or whatever, and sometimes we are more daring to speak the truth when it’s written rather then spoken. That’s what happened to my husband and I. We explored our feelings and fears and fantasies by cyber chat first, and we were already solid friends for years at that point in time. And now, on our anniversary of “our relationship beginnings” (coming up on Feb 21), we pull out that first internet chat and have a great time reliving the unspoken words.

    I hope you will have a fabulous Valentine’s Day now, cause you do seem to be a romantic at heart!

    • Oh that was a sweet comment!! I just read a website about sending emails and texts to keep your relationship buzzing and think it is really useful as a “tool” – and as you say, it enables you to say things you may otherwise feel a bit odd about muttering out loud!

      Happy 21st Feb for you and your man! Very cool way to celebrate it – That having a written reminder of how you felt is very very appealing! 🙂

      And thank you for the HVD wishes, I am planning a lovely day 🙂

    • Seriously, where is the like button for comments, WP? That’s a wonderful way of doing things, something I may have to file away for future use. I’m generally more comfortable with written communications than I am verbal.

  5. I think that around the time I stopped dating because I was no longer single, Alexander Graham Bell had recently invented the telephone, so yes a lot has changed with communication since then. But I can see how dating combined with the almost instant gratification of today’s rapid high tech communication could be easy to obsess over.
    Just a month or so ago, my wife was away for a night for her job, and the next day we were having fun chatting online. But then she stopped our chat, because she was ready to get in the car and drive home. I actually felt this irrational sense of disappointment, because we had to stop our chat, which I was really enjoying – so she could make the trip back home to me… So it’s easy for me to see how easy it would be to get caught up in it, when someone special is involved.

    Happy for you that it seems like you’re involved with someone special right now, and I’m wishing you the very best of luck with that. 🙂

    • I did have to chuckle at this comment, Chris!! It is irrational (esp since she was coming home hahah) but I totally got what you meant! Am about to launch into a wee rant about how pathetically obsessive I am shortly, so brace yourselves 😉

  6. It’s crazy. With all your experience and knowledge and yet you still haven’t found ‘the one’. The only reason I can think of is because maybe you don’t want to? I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Just strange as it sounds like you love…well love! But I also feel you know that life is not a simple linear experience, age is nearly a number that we can never obviously escape but is definitely not a shackle that prevents us from living and loving a wonderful life. Enjoying your blog a heck of a lot!

    • Experiences don’t make someone an expert, they just tire them out *grins*

      I’m reading a book at the moment called “He’s scared / She’s scared” about commitment phobes. I have to keep putting it down cos it annoys me (it makes me feel like it’s talking about me hah) interestingly, it says commitment phobes often leap into relationships but pick ones that will not last, thereby continuing the pattern of unable to commit.. more as I read, it’s fascinating for all it’s making me sting now and then!

      As you say – I DO love love .. I just seem to fk it up royally every time!!

      Glad you stopped by, and are enjoying my blog thanks for the comment 🙂

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