Speed dating

Below is an actual email I received from someone off the dating website: Connecting singles. This guy had sent me 1 message saying “hi” and I duly responded with “Hi back” or something equally as scintillating .. Obviously my “play hard to get” ploy worked and his somewhat .. uh, enthusiastic (?) response is pasted below for your .. bemusement..

Where do I find them.. or HOW do they all find me, more to the point .. Sheesh! To make it easier to read I have inserted the occasional space, his original didn’t have any – which kinda made me want to stab myself in the eyes as I read it! Aren’t I good to you lot?

Read on:

Hi Dear,

I would like to use this privilege to tell you more about myself.
Well, my dad was originally from Aberdeen, United Kingdom but he nationalize in Switzerland where we use as our permanent home.
We spent most of our time in Switzerland and  my daughter and my mum lives there too, I grew up in different countries, I grew up in communist Bulgaria, but I’m happy because I had great childhood. I see how my parents love each other, and Presently I came to Aberdeen alone I speak with a Bulgarian accent, I hope you like this?
Because, when I came to this country I only spoke two words..
Thank I show my personality by working hard, for this reason, people respect me.
I will like to tell you more about myself but where do i start from okay,, United Kingdom.
I am the only son of my family and was born and brought up in a devoted christian family. I married but my wife passed away in an accident,
It all happened to me just like a dream. I have one daughter and she is 10 years old now. Her name is Tina, hope you will love her?.
I will like to talk about my job,i work in a ship and am the director of operations.
And my duties is to Act in the best interests of the company and in good faith at all times.
Prepares proposals for support of ship operations and for the acquisition of shipboard equipment and shipboard scientific equipment.
Recommends and implements policies pertaining to marine personnel and vessel operation. Maintains records of vessel utilization, structures, and regulatory and inspecting agency compliance. .
I would like to open up my heart to you, but I may lack the skill, or I’m short  for words, because my heart harbors so many good feelings towards you, that the dictionary seems to short to express all this,
My late father was a devoted christian and a philanthropist also a full time international contractor based in Asia, (Engineer) He worked in various ministries and organizations in the past and assisted many christian organizations both spiritually and financially.
Before enclosing this message, I would like to let you know that distance has nothing to do with our Friendship as long as god is there with us. I can come and meet with you wherever you are or will have you invited here. It may interest you to know that I prefer one-on-one conversation.
I am really interested in wanting to know about what makes you the special person you are today, I want to know more about your family,your background, your life experiences, past relationships, your goals and dreams, your interests, and anything else you want to tell me.
I even want to learn about the secrets you very rarely share with someone!.
So come on and share it all with me,about your country and what you working as ?
this is my cell phone no +447017962156,i will like to have some of your pictures and your cell phone number too.Well, remain blessed until I hear from you.
Your sincerely,

So, dear readers I do hope you will all attend the wedding?

I’m sure it will be soon, if the speed he operates is anything to go by?

About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on February 19, 2012, in Humour, Love, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 40 Comments.

  1. Get out that big old rubber stamp that says “Sorry Loser”, apply many times to that email, and then flush same.

    Sometimes surfing the internet is like going through the Paris sewers in a glass-bottomed boat.

  2. Even with the spaces, I want to stab myself after reading that. Wow….. Just…. You’ve made the writer speechless again. I have to say though, this time, it’s not a good thing. I mean… that someone actually hit send on that… omg. Going to go wash my eyes out now. Maybe my brain too, see if that helps.

    The scary thing is that I kept waiting for it to turn into a variation of the nigerian prince scam and for him to ask for your bank account number. I’ve had a couple of them hit my in box and they come with similar linguistic issues.

    • Sorry about the brain and eye wash required there 😉

      I keep thinking about how he put “his” cell phone number in his msg .. I wonder whose it is? (but yeah somehow, I’ve managed to resist the temptation to call it, thus far .. )

      • And I’m sure that’s required all of your willpower too, with the kind of animal magnetism I saw in that email 😉 pardon the lake of sarcasm. I couldn’t help it.

  3. Looks like he used his resume as love letter.
    And we too are hopeful of the learnings of your specialness. As well, please convey to us the goings on of the lovings of his daughter who are to be commended as to be sure!

    His last boat job wasn’t near Greece, was it?

    • LOL @ Greece, I would go back and ask him but am scared to encourage him!

      I like the fact he says that distance doesn’t matter, so long as god is involved.. Howzat gonna work??

      The whole letter just made me .. I dunno .. it was one of the weirdest and I thought I’d had ’em all!

  4. preciousbydesign

    OH. MY.

  5. Whoa. Creepy and a tad desperate.

  6. i think “Flypaper for Freaks” is a great title for your upcoming bio-pic. also, don’t forget to film the wedding. continue…

  7. Wait a moment, He is Scottish and Swedish, Oh hell no.

  8. You should go visit him. It would make for a good blog entry.

  9. I think this guy is less interested in a relationship than he is in writing his autobiography.

  10. I have nothing for this one. Avoid. At. All. Costs.

  11. It does indeed sound like a resume. You sure are one lucky gal!

  12. Wow…if that’s not a pick up line, I don’t know what is. Will you love my daughter? UM HELL NO!

  13. I think you should write back.

    No, I am serious, and no, I am not on medication – think about it:

    All you need to do is make sure that:
    1 – You point out how the Swiss stole money from your family during WWII to hide them from the secretive yet lethal Fuhrer’s Reichstag Efficiency Anti-Kapitalist (FREAK) police. Consequently you hate the Swiss but will be interested in him if he moves to some place neutral like the Falklands.
    2 – Bulgarian accents, like French shrugs and Spanish eyes, cause you to break out in hives. Suggest that he should practise a more moderate accent by watching reruns of old Schwarzenegger films.
    3 – Tell him that you think long-distance relationships may not work even if there is a dog in the way. If he asks “what dog” blame your dyslexia.
    4 – As a parting shot, apologise; he says that he will remain blessed until you contact him. By e-mailing him back, you have now destined him to the bowels of hell.

  14. Unreal.

    That’s a lot of information for someone who’s “short for words.” I would hate to think how long a face-to-face meeting would take. I think my favorite part is the copying and pasting of his resume. Nothing says efficiency like knocking out dating and job-hunting all at once.

  15. LOVE how he tossed in his Dad, the philanthropist! Hahahahahahaha… Yaaaa right… Rofl

  16. My god! Speechless. Well bet you didn’t think you would be his daughters step mum when you wrote “hi back”

    For some reason I am picturing him sat at his pc, in a dark room wearing nothing but underpants a white vest top and pulled up socks when he wrote that!

  17. The cutting and pasting of the resume in an online dating e-mail reply is a whole new approach, but probably not a good idea… Especially as an answer to “Hi back” Lol

  18. Will there be gin & tonic and a ridiculous amount of red wine? If so I’ll be at the wedding. But maybe you could consider someone with a firmer grasp of grammatical rules, because I’m guessing that would drive you mad.

  19. Oh, my gosh. I definitely couldn’t read it all. I eventually skipped to the end. LOL.

  20. THAT is awesomeness to the gazillionth power. Back in the good ol’ days of MySpace, I used to take the random, “OMG, you rawk!!!!!1 I luv u so much!” emails I received and put them on display in blogs there, WITH COMMENTARY re: their literary wrong-doings, bad pick up lines, etc. It was HYSTERICAL. What I loved most were the people who would come along after, read my ramblings, and THEN find it necessary to email & tell me how horrid I was for making fun of those gentlemen, call me names, etc. (You know the kind… those who wouldn’t know good humor if it were wearing a shirt that said, “Hi. I’m humor,” on the front of it.) The fact that they didn’t realize that THEY TOO were about become fodder… *sigh* Good times. Maybe I was evil. *thinking* No… I was a 20 something with a status of “Widowed.” Shouldn’t that have tipped them off or something?

    Reading your own correspondence kinda makes me miss being “out there,” though. Can I live vicariously through you for a while?


    P.S. When are you booking a flight?

  21. Sounds like a really bad case of Spam. Really. So bad….

  22. Did you sign up for a dating service, or are you hiring?

  23. I have to admit that I skimmed his me, myself and I letter but your comment at the end was HILARIOUS!! Too frickin’ funny! I will be back……fun blog!

  24. Woah. I’m all for people being quick-to-intimacy, but this irks even me.

    But I have to say, you sure don’t live a boring life!

  25. I would check on the circumstances surrounding his wife’s accident, just to make sure he had nothing to do with that. Otherwise you can’t go wrong with this dude.

  26. I think he is a nigerian scammer and if you are bored they can be fun to mess with. After a few emails back in forth he will tell you how he is out of the country and his passport etc were stolen and was wondering if you can send him money so he can get home. whenever I was bored I would talk to them and every time they would start telling me about how they need my money I would play a sadder story to them about how i was going to be evicted soon or what and talk about how happy I was going to be when we got married and that I hoped another friend would be able to help him soon so we could meet and plan our wedding.

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