Being too available

I realised this week that I become utterly and completely insecure in the early days of a relationship. And to say this irritates me is an understatement!

It dawned on me today that – because of my aversion to being “abandoned” or left wondering – I try my hardest to never do this to any man in my life.

And so it is you will find me carrying my phone on me 24/7.

I get my emails and texts instantly. So he texts me,I text straight back. He emails, I email back immediately. He logs into skype – I’m logged in too..  He calls, I’ll break my neck to answer.

I’m always “available”.

And if I should happen to actually miss a call, then as soon as I realise – I’m all over it like a cheap suit, frantically calling in an attempt to fix the ‘breakdown’ in comms that took place .. because heaven forbid he should experience what I loathe, after all!

Aren’t I nice?
Yeah except for 2 things ..

1. He probably doesn’t actually object to my not replying within 0.04 seconds to every single communique he sends. And he’s probably clever enough to realise there will be times when I cannot answer the phone. It’s called “life” .. And I could just be allowed to have one..

And worse;

2. I suspect that my actions potentially devalue me in his eyes.. Because as we all know: the more scarce the commodity, the more sought after it is.

And so as we head into day 13 of Mr New’s holiday, of no time spent together and sporadic (at best!) comms – I feel this neat thrill at having recognised a pattern problem for me.

Sure, I may not know quite how to stop it from rearing its ugly head, but I figure at least if I’m aware of it, then hopefully progress can be made 🙂

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on February 25, 2012, in Humour, Life, Love, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 41 Comments.

  1. I think it’s great that you are learning about yourself, but just don’t be too hard on you! I’m happy that you are still with Mr. New and it seems to be going well. Enjoy it!

    • I can’t not be with him, surely it’d be rude to break up while he’s away?
      *grins*

      Altho I jest, seriously – the entire time he’s been gone I have pictured him coming back and saying “it’s all over”, yes. I am THAT retarded lol

      Learning is fun, I do enjoy it – so whatever the heck happens – there’s always something good to come of it.

  2. Woo hoo! I love stories of self-realization. Someday I hope to experience it.

  3. Step away from the phone, Fred. It’s good for you.

  4. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to doing something about it. Just stop and think about the pattern the next time the phone lets you know he’s there. But I will say, scarcity is not the only way something becomes valuable. Sometimes it’s a case of pure awesome, which you already have. 😀

    • I knew I liked you best for a reason *grins*

      The thing is .. I have a fundamental problem with NOT being me … I can’t maintain it lol but at the same time, I am learning I DO need to be aware that some of “me” can be a bit “freaky” and so maybe instead I can learn to temper me?

      We shall see!!!

      To be fair, if he called me right now I’d stop typing here quick as look at y

      • Oh believe me, I’m not saying not to be you, but tempering some initial reactions might not be a bad idea. I have to do it myself quite often. But then, that’s where awareness comes in.

      • oh no no no I knew what you were saying .. I said it to myself (we’re so frightfully clever heh) but I know some people think I’m a complete knob and should act differently but yeah .. I can’t.I am who I am .. and at the end of the day (once night comes!) I need to find someone who can handle that .. which pretty much means I’m doomed hahah

  5. gotta show a little love for that bumper sticker

  6. Good to see you caught it. Some of Us have been traumatized by relationships where if the communication isn’t instantaneous and intellectually deep, there is hell to pay.

    • I probably err toward being “THAT” woman – sorry 😉

      The thing is, in this day and age “poor coverage” only gets you so far. There is ALWAYS a starbucks or some such swill house that gives away free interweb time .. therefore, if you want to talk to me, you will MAKE the effort and the effort aint even that bloody hard damnit…

      There, that’s the “not trying to be rational” me, typing.

      She’s a complete pain in the ass 😉

  7. Love this post. Make your self available…don’t make yourself available!! It’s almost like you can’t win lol…Been there before!! Just be the beautiful you! You have nothing to worry about. Putting yourself first. And breaking you neck to answer the phone would be a problem hehe. Enjoy my friend. Let love bloom!!

  8. Woohoo! Rock on, farcelane! You are taking big steps here, answering the important questions.
    Guapo is glad to see it and hopes your are finding time for yourself and to relax while Mr. News is away.

    Mmm…wine….

    • fkn 3rd person challenges … *sigh* Thank you El Great one, for your comment .. sighs some more …

      Today I went to the beach and had lunch and listened to awesome live music. Then strolled in the sand collecting pretty shells. It was .. lovely. Now I’m home and drinking some of aforementioned mmm wine 😉

      Ignore-my-ass-boy is home in 2 days.
      Gah

  9. I am just the same way.. I have to actively decide to NOT be available sometimes. Even then, it’s a delicate balance. I don’t want to seem like I don’t give a damn either.

  10. Those aliens are called “women”.

    • I tell you what, this whole “having to think about my actions and consider their impact” as opposed to just being how I wanna be smacks awfully of GAME PLAYING to this simpleton .. I know it isn’t the same but man, it feels perilously close to it ..

  11. I have not spoke to you in a while! How are you? Ohhh am I suppose to comment on the post?! Shit, I can not be arsed to read it ahaha. 😛

  12. Okay, just one comment – when I first dated my husband I only answered 1 out of every 3 of this calls. I did this deliberately because I was previously too available also. As I was involved with helping a friend set up a dating site at the time, I took the opportunity to ask men what they felt about women at the beginning of a relationship. This was part of what we taught to women seeking relationships with men. To men if a woman was too available, it felt like a lot of pressure on them. Thoughts like – does she not have anything else in her life? Will she expect me to be her sole source of entertainment? Spend all my free time with her right away? These kinds of things went through their head when they met a woman who was too available. If a woman has her own life (just like she had before he met her) he feels more comfortable about entering into a relationship with her so it can build toward something bigger & better. Every person has to decide for themselves how they will handle a new relationship. For me, I learned something new while interviewing the men for the dating site & as a consequence tried something new & it worked for me.

    • This comment has completely done my head in today!! I’ve spent way too much time thinking about it!!! 😉

      I’m of the view that no two people are the same nor will they seek the same which always makes me a bit leery of advice but this bit (of being a little hard to get) is one piece you hear over and over .. So I suspect there is more than an element of truth to it.

      BUT I struggle with it, for all that.. It just smacks of .. game playing.

      I guess cos I kinda figure I prefer to know the guy is making time for me – I expect him to need the same but then again.. if he doesn’t have the same need, it’s not helping at all. And worse, could make the situation worse ..

      Which comes back to my comment originally posted – my issue (or requirement/s) may be very different to his and I need to adapt to ensure I don’t cock it up.

      Yeesh. Mine field central…

    • Really interesting benzeknees!
      I recently dated a guy (albeit for a year) in another country lol. Me in London and him in Paris, and I felt quite available too…I would bend over backwards to make him feel special and accommodated…and played it cool for a very long time. Then as the relationship dragged on – I started to feel uncomfortable and anxious about wanting to be in a relationship. With no mention from him about it. I realised I was ready to be in a relationship ( and I’m not sure even with him – just a relationship). So on the occasions we would meet (which were very infrequent – I started to mention this to find out his thoughts). I would express that to him, which he found strange, and later he explained to me one evening over dinner – (the last time we met before we decided to be just friends) ‘how it made him feel uncomfortable when I mentioned being in a relationship.’ When I suppose I should have been getting on with my life, and had an attitude if he wants me he wants me. However you get told that you need to be available. Perhaps I gave it all away to soon. Without keeping my cool. But that is a lesson learned for me. Patience is key. Nothing before it’s time. I suppose when you have full confidence in yourself that is not an issue. I understand now, why they say you find love when your not looking, or doing what you love. Because you are in complete control and love with your self. Ultimately this is key foundation for any relationship. When you are fully in tact and living from the heart and nothing bothers you. In the sense that you have a full sense of confidence. I think I can see that now. And perhaps in the future I will approach things differently. Always coming back to my self for love. And not getting to attached too soon! For now I will continue building my self esteem. How do you find the balance between feeling too available and not so available. Perhaps I will write about this. (coming back to your sacred heart to replenish you is the message i am getting)I know I have kinda rambled on here. But been a good lesson!! I’m growing and learning and putting the pieces of the puzzle together to be the best that I/we can be. I see that.quite clearly now.

      • This just totally highlights how GOOD communications is so critical, for both parties isn’t it .. !

        Don’t buy into the whole “don’t look for it and it will happen” theory but I do agree with your comment about loving yourself and the vibes it gives out helping .. same can be said for anything in your life .. work, love, family .. we do get back what we give off, I believe ..

        Which begs the question why I can’t hold a long term relationship cos I THINK I am ripe for one lol oh well..

  13. I’m there with you… it’s why I have dozens of girlfriends I go hang out with when I start chewing on my lips and going a little crazy. I -have- to keep busy. And hell, I’m married and I STILL smother my poor husband. (He was fine with it when we were at home, but now that he’s deployed he has very, very limited time/access to the interwebs which makes it even worse for me).

    It gets easier, I can tell you that much. Also remember that if you keep him nibbling on dinner, he’ll have room for desert 😉

    • awww that has to be particularly difficult – makes my “fretting” seem quite silly by comparison! I’d go crazy if I was you! LOL @ smothering him after marriage, I could well be the same sorta gal 😉

      As to having him wanting more – I do think I am seeing the whole “save some for later” concept more clearly, as time goes by and I learn how to handle it!

  14. vanessasyjenseno

    Reblogged this on Vanessa Jensen Summary.

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