Loving .. By the rules

So I’m finding it .. fascinating .. holding back. Being mindful of what I say. Working at controlling what I do – in these early days with Mr New. Fascinating because it’s not something I’ve ever bloody done before, for a start! Ok maybe that should read challenging..? 😉

I guess mostly it’s because I’m having to fundamentally change how I “normally” would act i.e.: it’s a very conscious activity for me to engage in..  As I said – quite a challenge!

I’m also finding it fascinating being around a man who must have read the damn rule book! A man who – although quite lovely – is at the same time oh-so cautious with his statements / emotions.

Sooo.. do we have a horribly bad blend or something that may develop into something good over time? Time will tell, huh!

I think it’s fair to say we’re both enjoying each other’s company. I get the feeling I am right up there when it comes to “stuff he’s into right now” .. of course since I’m being mindful and not asking forward questions I don’t know this for sure .. And he isn’t saying ..

My assessment is based solely on the timing of when I hear from him in conjunction with whatever else I know he has on.. For example – holidays with sporadic net access aside – since coming back we’ve spent both evenings together and he’s made contact within 30 minutes (or less) of finishing work.

Is this how it’s done, people? We’re meant to guess and wonder as opposed to ask and know where we stand in these early days .. ? Man it’s weird .. Ah well, I’m giving it my best shot.

Unlike drunken text recipient, we’ve not gone anywhere or done anything amazing, we’re just hanging out together. And laughing, there’s always laughter – which is kinda neat.

Somewhat bizarrely, considering how “cool” we’re being about statements that may scare the other off – we’ve more than skirted around the issue of maybe taking a holiday together later in the year (I say bizarrely cos we’ve not said anything remotely related to “I like you” but we’re going on holiday?!)

I guess this is the whole “actions speak louder than words” deal and I’ve just gotta get the hell over the fact my very close 2nd love language was “words of affirmation” and enjoy the fact that right now Mr New is doing rather well in what was the top love language of mine: “Quality time”.

And in the meantime, I need to keep biting my tongue and following his lead – instead of diving in too deep, too fast and (for all I can swim reasonably well) eventually drowning..

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on February 29, 2012, in Hope, Humour, Love, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 29 Comments.

  1. Don’t change TOO much! He likes the person you are right now!

    • Oh I am not changing how I act .. Just saying less.
      And THAT is the problem for me (being a female an’ all) hah

      Seriously tho, if men do indeed need to chase etc then my approach of “diving on in and going for it” IS doing me a disservice.. And certainly my past relationships / experiences would back that up.

      We’ll see, huh!

  2. The hardest battle is going to be trying to avoid overanalyzing every word, every gesture, every subtle nuance of meaning, every little move he makes (or doesn’t), thinking and overthinking every minute you’ve spent together or plan to spend together wondering what it all means ,where it’s been and where it’s going.

    Love makes ya crazy yes?

    I know.. believe me, I know 🙂

    • You (and others) are right, the battle is to tell the voices in my head to chill the hell out and not over-analyse. Because to be honest, many’s the time my radar has been horribly off kilter when it comes to understanding men lol ..

      I think I already was crazy so this is just making it worse!!! Gaaaahhhhhhh!!

  3. The early stages of dating are so awkward! You want to know where you stand but if you ask straight forward you might come off as desperate for a label or commitment. I finally had to ask my (now) boyfriend how he thought of me i.e. as his girlfriend or someone to have fun with.

    Enjoy your QT with the new man!

    • You got it in one!

      I do (always) want to know where I stand (much the way a Dad might have said in the old days “what are you intentions”) and in my more rational moments I think “yeah well maybe I don’t need to know more than what I have now” .. but I don’t have those moments near as often as I have the “WTF IS GOING ONNNNN” moments *grin*

  4. Congrats on your new stance (saying less) – I think you will find it makes a difference even though it feels like it’s confusing at first. Next step – quiet your mind to match your voice. Like Jim Z is saying, you don’t need to analyze every word, nuance, gesture, etc. Just enjoy what you have together right now & let it build naturally. I know that seems like an oxymoron if being reserved (which it sounds like is not natural for you) is not your natural state. But believe me you will learn much more about him with your mouth closed, so you can judge whether YOU want this relationship or not. When you’re busy wondering what he’s thinking/implying/doing you spend too much time not worrying about what you want.

    • Mm, shutting the mouth is hard enough – but shutting the brain / thoughts – argh!!

      I am about as unreserved as they come. If I like someone, they know it. Same if I do not like them 😉

      It’s hard for me to “hold back” my feelings but at the same time, some part of me can see some merit in it . . or more to the point, accept that my open-ness can potentially muck things up (it certainly has in the past).

      Guess I just need to put a time limit in place to keep my sanity moderately intact?

  5. Woo Hoo!! Keep it going!

  6. LITFL, you need to watch this Scrubs clip because while I was reading your post I couldn’t help but laugh while thinking of it:

    It is from the episode 16 of season 2 and addresses the whole idea of having to appear normal in the beginning of a relationship until that person knows you long enough not to be scared off.

  7. If you’re having a good time, why rush?
    Glad you two are enjoying each others company, can’t wait to see how it evolves (at it’s own pace)!

    • Cos I’m ollllllllllllld damnit man!! 😉

      Not so sure I want to rush but I don’t wanna crawl either .. and mostly, this is about me having to think vs just acting as I normally would .. BEING me is simple. Being me and holding back – a little less simple.

      But I’m willing to try anything in the interests of maybe making a success of something 🙂

  8. I actually think the opposite of Guap! If you’re having a good time, why WAIT? I’ve been thinking about this, and realized I had forgotten all my old attitudes about such things because I’ve been married for so damn long.

    1) I don’t understand long engagements. If you know you’re going to marry someone, you’ve bought or accepted a ring, made plans, agreed, discussed it, etc. – why wait a year, or two, or five? Just do it already! Put my money where my mouth is? Okay, fine. I met my wife November 1995, and married her February 1996. How’s that?

    2) Relationships are like jobs. The more experience you have, the less training you need. So if it feels like you’re “rushing”, you’re not. You’re just skipping all the parts you already know to get to the good parts! So don’t feel like you’re skipping ahead, Fred. Talk it out, and you’ll realize that a large number of people feel like you do. I don’t know what the exact percentage is, but everyone would agree that some percentage of a relationship is the exact same as every other relationship. That’s the part you’re skipping. So who cares? Find a guy who will skip it with you, because life is short, and you don’t have time to fuck around with walking on eggshells.

    That’s my 2 Kiwigian pennies.

    • See, you’re very much like me in the way we think.

      If I am into something, once that switch or decision has been flicked / made – I’m in boots and all. I often do not see the sense in following some prescribed system that may or may not apply to me..and my situation or beliefs or requirements.

      It’s funny you mention jobs and relationships and the timing thing .. My line of work is such that I am dropped into potentially difficult situations and have to make sense of stuff, sort it out and make it good .. usually in a very tight time line ..

      And I love it and am good at it.

      And it’s how I tend to do my relationships too .. except I am not so good at keeping them long term..

      Maybe this slow start thing.. or rather the emotional “entanglement” side of it being slower than is normal – maybe it could be a good thing to try and do? I don’t know .. I’m basing it solely on reading his horror-scope plus assessing how he acts and going “OK I’ll adapt to suit”.

      Adapting is good .. Changing myself .. losing myself in the process – not good. I know..

      Argh my head hurts. He’s due here in 15 mins, I need to go have a stiff … drink 😉

      • Don’t adapt. Be yourself. You want him to like you, not some adaptation of you.

      • Let’s make one thing perfectly clear here .. I aint changing ME! I learned a long time ago that isn’t a simple task lol What I am doing is changing the things that I say ..

        Maybe it reads better if I say I am following his lead.. Instead of trying to take the lead, (which I am very prone to doing)

        Does that make sense?

  9. It sounds like you’ve found someone you can be friends with. I have a good feeling about this!

  10. Take it easy… go nice and slow and just try to be in the moment and savoring the enjoyment of that moment together with him. Then when you’re apart, enjoy the memory of those moments, and try your best to not analyze every little detail of what did or didn’t happen. I know that’s easier said than done, but try to focus on the actual experience instead of thinking too much about it and over evaluating it. There is no need to rush anything. Relax and enjoy this gift one moment, one hour and one day at a time, and just let it all unfold…

    • Chris, you are so totally right in the sentence where you say I ought to “enjoy the memory of good moments/times” when apart. As opposed to my usual stance of worrying and over thinking things.. !

      One of the things this guy says is “if I make a promise, I keep it”. And so far, he’s not once let me down. Even with silly things like buying me something I cheekily said I wanted, when he was in the USA ..

      My baggage is very much an issue when it comes to broken promises and being left high and dry, as anyone who reads my blog would know – so I am hoping I can relax and enjoy this however it may play out .. as opposed to fretting it into some horrible state that it need not be in!!

      Wish me luck, I SO am gonna need it!! 🙂

  11. Yes, by all means, wait. Force yourself to go against what you want, artificially slow things down, put pressure on yourself by holding your feelings back, and even though no one in all of recorded history has ever done it before, try not to think about the very thing that is most important to you.

    Because it’s natural. Right? NO! You’re not playing fucking chess here, you’re expressing your feelings and living your life. Wouldn’t you rather stop playing games and know now that it isn’t going to work out than slow play this thing to death and drive yourself crazy, Fred? Wouldn’t you rather stop playing games and know now that it IS going to work out? (He said, as though you have given a response one way or the other.)

    When I hear people advising someone to take it slow, a certain image enters my head: that of a dog with a dog biscuit balanced on its nose, waiting for the command before eating it. “Wait! Wait for it… wait for it girl. Okay….. No, wait for it! Hold it…. hold it….”

    Yeah, that’s bullshit. Go for it, Frederique. You know what you want. You know when it’s right, when he’s right. Go for it.

  12. I would add that I’m absolutely positive that you know or have heard of friends, celebrities, etc. who have met each other or known each other for varying lengths of time before getting serious or getting married, including yourself. You dated a guy for 8 years and it didn’t work! Can’t get much slower than that. The point is, it doesn’t matter how long you know the other person, or how long you wait, or how much you force yourself to hold back, or how soon you act, or how deep you plunge in, it’s either going to work out or it’s not.

    So dive in. It’s either going to be over with, or under way! Again, that’s just my advice, however strongly and adamantly I word it or express it.

    • We had moved in together after 2 dates, not so slow … 😉

      Like I said, I think I am going to try and let Mr New take the lead, since he is a confident and strong man I suspect he will want to do this (certainly he seems to be, so far) …

      Don’t get me wrong, I aint playing no wimpy wall flower woman, that wouldn’t appeal to him nor could I sustain it even if I had a go at doing it heheh … I am being me, I’m just keeping the emotions aligned to the pace he’s setting ..

  13. So have you discussed what your kids will look like with him? He’d probably like that. Make him like you more.

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