Love. I’ve been doing it wrong!

My love language is Quality time. What this means is that I’m the chick you see clinging to a man’s leg as he heads off to work. The one spotted waiting at the mailbox eagerly for him to return home. And of course, in between those two activities, I am emailing, texting and calling him to see how his day is going or at the least I am pining and thinking about him. I just can’t get enough of him, and am generally a complete pain in the arse ..

That’d be me on top trying to stop him from going anywhere without me .. 😉 

Seriously tho, I have to say that knowing what my love language is hasn’t overly helped me .. It’s just now I have a name for it. I mean heck, any of you regular readers know by now that I am high maintenance. And I already knew that I enjoyed and / or required a lot of time with my love interest.

I suppose the best thing about it having a name is that I can tell said love interest .. And blame the book instead of me! 😉

Mr New called last night. He’s in Europe .. Buying me expensive presents .. (So he told me anyway) Which is kinda funny cos that is one of the languages of love and the one that rated lowest in my scoring. I could give 2 hoots about getting gifts, I want his time and attention.

It seemed the perfect time to introduce him to the concept, so I briefly took him thru’ the languages and asked him which one he thought was his. He instantly said “Physical touch”. Typical male, was my first thought but to be fair – we’ve all met that man for whom this isn’t their language and so I bit my tongue and we carried on talking about this whole love lingo topic.

I think it was good for him to hear me explain my need for time and input and I was very good: I said lots of positive things about how amazingly well he was doing on satisfying my need to cling. for quality time.

Cos he so is! I mean heck – it was 6am in the morning, he was jet-lagged and letting me blather on about some nonsense I’d read in a self-help book when really I am willing to bet he would have preferred to be carving his eyes out with a blunt razor sleeping 😉

After I had taken my quality time and Mr New had gone off to bed, I sat thinking a little about the whole love language thing and it dawned on me! I worked out one of the reasons why I have a string of failed relationships .. In particular, the reason why I tend to smother (and freak them out!) and cosset a man, in the early days of a relationship.

It’s all because of my $#@! love language! Think about it..

I need, enjoy, require – call it what you will – having time and effort invested in me, in order to feel content or secure in a relationship. My love language goes something like this:

“Nothing says, ‘I love you,’ like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.”

And without really knowing it, I have applied the same language to any man in my life. Because *I* need and value it, I figure they will too. When in fact their love language may well be anything but the need for time and attention to be lavished upon them..

Not sure how this new found awareness will help me, but I guess if I apply it to my relationship with Mr New .. Knowing about his need for touch as well as his desire for freedom and excitement with a non-clingy mate – then at the very least it will prevent me from overwhelming him with stuff that *I* think he wants, but that he could give 2 hoots about.

Sheesh@ hard work .. Tell me again, why do we keep at this relationship bizzo? 😉


About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on March 4, 2012, in Humour, Life, Love, Optimism, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 39 Comments.

  1. Hi! I really like the way you write (like when you crossed out the words, clever!!!)..What you wrote about is something that every woman goes through…Men express their love in very weird ways. You’re right! It’s like another language that we don’t understand haha.Good luck with Mr. New!!

    • Hey thanks so much for the lovely comment! 🙂

      You’re right, I suspect lots of women feel the way I do .. men are weird but wonderful aren’t they (sigh) .. I’ll keep ya posted on progress here heheh

  2. Such insights. Hang in there. Love your very very last statement about it’s going to be worth it – that’s the bottom line.

  3. I love the insight that just because you want something, doesn’t mean they do. I think that’s a big part of a relationship, balancing what you want/need with their own wants and needs, but you can’t do that if you make the assumption that theirs are the same as yours. Very nice. I have to remember that if I ever start dating again. 🙂

    • Julie, I’m embarrassed at how long it’s taken me to work out this simple thing I tell ya!! I well recall feeling hurt when I’ve tried to foist MY “wants” (by giving them the same thing) onto a guy and having them go “meh” because they’re just not that into it ..
      It’s an easy leap to then go “he’s not into me!”
      And that’s I think what I’ve done so much of the time .. So stupid!!
      So cool to work it out too 🙂

      • I’ve noticed that the simplest things are the hardest to grasp. I think our brains (and hearts) constantly try to look for complication where it doesn’t exist, which means it just keeps going around in circles when we meet something simple. Everything simple I have learned took me an out-sized amount of time to figure out.

        My mother taught me the trick of turning something like that around so you see it from the other side and the older I get, the more I realize how right she was in this simple trick. And it’s taken me how long to learn that?

        At least you shared this one with us all, so maybe we can learn it in a somewhat shorter amount of time. 🙂

      • So I’m like that kid in school who asked questions everyone else wanted to know the answers to but were afraid to ask for fear of looking dumb?

        You’re right I think, about a natural inclination to complicate things being part of my (human!?) nature? It’s stupid!

        Your Momma was wise .. that’s 2 bits of good advice she’s given us (I’m taking it too k) now that I really think is spot on.

      • It’s human nature, not just yours. I think almost everyone is guilty of it at least some of the time. I KNOW I am.

      • You an’ me both hon .. maybe between us we can shorten the amount of time we’re stupid for?? *grins*

  4. Great post. Just finished the Love Language book myself and trying to figure out just how to get him to love me in my language…. I’ll keep working at it 🙂

  5. My love language is physical touch, which I think makes me anything but typical 😉 but I also have two sides… I like to express love through gift giving (which may or may not be “his” language) but I like to receive and understand love through physical contact.

    Knowing your love languages (and his) can be useful…I won’t rant on about how it can be useful but I think it may have saved a few of my recent relationships if I’d paid more attention!

    • Yeah definitely not typical!

      My scores were three almost the same (Time/Words/Touch) and the other two barely rated a mention which isn’t that normal either .. but it is apt when I think about it ..

      I’m with you, I suspect this new found awareness will help me in my future relationship/s which is exciting. And yeah could have helped in the past too .. ah well.. Live and learn I guess.

  6. Very cool that you could have this conversation with him and he participated!
    From what you’ve written about him so far I like him.
    (In a cool, straight guy way, I mean)
    (Besides, my girl won’t let me cheat on her)
    (with a guy)

    And we keep at the bizzo because the payoff is ridiculously worth it!

  7. Self-awareness and affectionate attention are almost always requirements of lasting love in a relationship. I’m glad you know that, and are willing to reciprocate it in a relationship. (It’s a good thing. It’s an extremely good thing!)

    And don’t worry about the clingy-ness. Most guys like that, even if most won’t admit it. As long as it’s not overbearing, many of us feel it means you love us that little bit more than anyone else ever could!

    • Oooh interesting insight re the clingy – thanks .. I don’t think I am overbearing, more if it isn’t appreciated or noticed I withdraw and then things can get silly … still, I’m learning!

      Affection is something I rate highly in a relationship. It makes you so much more tolerant of foibles .. for all it seems like an odd thing to want, I am with you on that one!

  8. I like the Acts of Service one. People who are that language must fall for maids or butlers a lot. Nothing says “I love you” like ironing my shirt!

    Seriously, though, I’m Quality Time too I think. I like to smother a girl in the initial stages of a relationship.

  9. Ahaha ohhh you have cracked it have you? No relationship will even fail again 😉 I guess I don’t often feel the same as you, I like the fact he only lives with my half the week and that if he is really annoying me I can send him home 😛 but then again I see clingyness as the kinda defense for you, if they don’t leave your side they can’t find time to leave. Holy Shit, get me today trying to be useful hehe If he makes you happy just try not to be too clingy, ye?

  10. My compliments to you today! A huge step is recognizing your needs and his needs and that they can be different and now to learn how to make the two of them work. Being aware is so important! This is key in all relationships, not just romantic loves ones, believe me, as a parent it’s imperative too! You’re doing it all right now!

    • Good point, about it not just being a male / female relationship asset to do this sort of thing!

      It’s funny cos in my work environment, I am the master at understanding people and adapting my approach to get maximum from each individual.

      I just finally realised I need to do it in my personal life .. derrr @ me 😉

  11. Great post. So many people assume that the other person has the same relationship goals or even the same degree of feeling. I think it’s important to talk about these things throughout the relationship and not just take them for granted. Good for you!

    • I have no idea when it’s safe or apt to do these things (talk things thru) I’ve always been a “jump in and say stuff too quickly” kinda chick, I suspect. I think in an attempt to suss out where they’re at and / or decide if I can trust them. Which isn’t fair because it could be I can trust them fine but that my approach has freaked them out. I dunno. Whatever, I do think the understanding and not taking anything for granted bit is key, as you say!

  12. Understanding those five love languages are helpful. The tough part is remembering to speak another. Have fun with it all. And enjoy your expensive gifts.

    • LOL Maybe I need to get myself a language tutor! 😉

      Funny, his last girlfriend was a “Gifts” girl, hence him buying me gifts . it’s not just girls who bring things from our old relationships is it!

  13. I agree with you – at least, what I think your language is. It’s the eyes. How you look at someone – checking your watch or unable to look away? Staring creepily or looking longingly? That sort of thing. My wife has this look that… well, let’s just say she’s a great communicator.

  14. I love that book. It’s helped me out tons, really glad to see it’s helped out others, too! We’re both in the same boat, with our loved one across the ocean, so even though he can’t be there for you, accept the gifts as “quality time.” =)

    • Yeah it is a goodun. I’m glad I found it.. this has been an interesting few weeks of learning for me! Love it ..

      Your set up always makes me feel bad when I whine about mine, geez.

      PS Brilliant way to look at the gifts, thanks!

      • Damn, I’m slow in responding. You do NOT whine! You vent, you share candidly your issues, but it’s not whining! We all have our own “crosses” to bear. Yours is not worse or better than mine- it’s just yours! Own it, relish in it- these crosses we carry are the scars of life learned.

  15. Mine is a close call between Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Needy much? Hahaha

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