Trust. I’ve been doing that wrong too!

One of the “issues” I lug around is probably due to the fact that I’ve been let down by men I thought I could trust.. and I realised this weekend just how much it affects my thinking ..And any relationship I enter into..

Trust is such a fragile thing and I don’t trust easily, that is fair to say. I think, maybe in the past I did. But as I’ve gotten older (and been bitten) I’ve learned to be a bit more circumspect in my approach.

All this means is that I may trust a little .. or even quite a bit .. because at the end of the day I want to .. Bu-uut in the back of my mind there’s always that lil voice that reminds me of how shit it was the last time I trusted someone (and got crapped on from a great height!) and to be a bit cautious.

And – if my mind is in the wrong place – this can cause me a lot of angst! Aint issues grand! πŸ˜‰

But in saying this, I guess there must come a time when one has to “man up” and decide if in fact those issues we’re clinging to – for whatever reasons, are worth hanging on to.

Although I have to say,Β I dunno that I consciously hold onto issues, they’re just kinda there. Like I’ve tossed a bit of rubbish in the backseat of my car .. I may not be able to see it but it’s there nonetheless.

So it’s really only at times of introspection that I stop and assess logically (open the back door of the car and go “OMG, WHAT A MESS!”) what it is that I am thinking, what I am feeling and then try to probe the why ..

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday which is what has provoked these thoughts.

All because Mr New dared to not be in “appropriate” (Which by my definition, as you will know is “LOTS .. AND NOW DAMNIT”) communication with me whilst he is working over in Europe. Yeah, I know .. Even reading that sentence I grimace at how badly it reads.

Ah shaddup, this is the reality of me and my past / baggage surfacing πŸ˜‰

Really, we’d been in reasonable contact over the weekend, considering the time zones so I can’t really complain. Oh by the way – this is rational LITFL typing. But yesterday, my irrational and very vocal evil twin was busy telling me that I’d NOT heard anywhere near enough from him and that I wasn’t being treated properly AT all. And she’s verrrry convincing, damn her.

Remembering Mr New’s preferences (Not clingy, not hellishly emotional, No drama) I was very good. Instead of picking up the phone and stalking his ass calling him for no reason at all, I sent a couple of nice texts and then proceeded to get horribly drunk with a couple of girlfriends.

Note:Β This system of relationship management only works if you relinquish your laptop, cell phone and any form of communication device, just so you know. Cos after a few rounds you may well think it’s a brilliant idea to call him up and yeah well, that call never goes so good, in my xp πŸ˜‰

As seems to be the case with Mr New, he did just the right thing tho. He called me before going to the office. Yes, Sunday – what can I say, he’s a workaholic. I am too, so we’re a good match!

I had just hauled my woefully drunken arse into bed when the phone rang. Trying to sound moderately sober, I engaged in what I hope was witty and intelligent conversation for an hour or so before being told to get to sleep ..

And as he hung up he said “I’ll talk to you in a few hours k” and that was when, even thru the liquid-faction that had taken place in my brain, it dawned on me.

I think I can trust this one.

Or at the least? I’m gonna have to friggen learn how to and soon, because he travels a lot and I can’t keep drinking this way or my liver will give up the ghost and he’ll probably dump me for being a total booze-hag!

So people, wish me luck please. I am gonna have a hack at letting this one thru’ the defences a little further than I have the last couple of men who’ve been brave (or silly) enough to want to spend time with me.

I’m an equal mix of excited and terrified .. But hey – bring it on πŸ˜‰


About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on March 6, 2012, in Hope, Humour, Love, Optimism, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. You know, it’s possibly a good thing that all of this is surfacing and I’ll tell you why. If it never surfaces, you can’t ever deal with it. And you are, slowly but surely, you’re working your way through this. It’s rather awesome to watch, actually. πŸ™‚

    As for that convincing evil twin, I suggest a steel plate for a muzzle, or at least duct tape, as you know she’s just plain wrong. And if you don’t know it for sure, I’ll let you borrow my certainty, because I have plenty on this count.

  2. From how you’ve described him since you and he have been involved, he seems like a really good guy. Take a chance, and let him through those defenses. Nothing ventured, nothing gained… right?

    • Yep, nothing ventured nothing gained! Of course, sometimes it’s scary to venture after having attempted without the gain a time or two but I’m no chicken!! πŸ˜‰

      Ya know what the next issue to sort is? The fact that once I let my defences down, I KNOW I will wanna rush. It’s like I wanna KNOW how it’s going to pan out as opposed to just enjoying the ride..

  3. Trust is a choice. We each have the ability, in spite of our past experiences, to make new choices for ourselves. Choose trust.

  4. Trust is earned. Give it freely to those who have rightly earned it. Like all the swell people at The ThrowDown! (Sorry, couldn’t resist the free plug).

  5. Unless you’ve spent your life in a bubble, we’ve all been through something that challenges our faith in humanity; our trust. Take your time. He soundsl like a good guy who knows you’re worth the wait.

  6. I’m staying tuned!!! This sounds really exciting, cuz you seem to have your head on straight. In the end, he’s going to be less than, just as, or more than you’d hoped for. I’d say the odds are in your favor (like 2 out of those 3 would be good, right) β€½β€½β€½

  7. Trust is a complicated thing. We are often shaped by our past, but we do not have to let it negatively affect our future. With time and experience we learn. I hope you will read one of my February posts, Treat Yourself With Kindness. You deserve it.

    • Thanks, it is true we are shaped by our past. 100% agree.

      I’ve always tried to not let it (my past) “automatically” flow into my future.
      That said, it’s not as simple as it sounds, to do.
      But I’ll get there πŸ˜‰

  8. Go you for opening the back door. And being aware that this is how you react is good, isn’t it?
    Go him for keeping in touch, and go you for trying something different!
    (And drinking)
    (Because I approve of that too)
    (Not killing you’re liver though)
    (That’s just silly)

    • I prefer to think of it as preserving my innards, El G πŸ˜‰

      Being aware is good, yes. Figuring out what I am aware of and it’s impact – even better. Always good to keep learning .. even if it’s slower than an elephant running thru molasses!! *sigh*

  9. Ok, this is more of a technical question than a comment on the blog…but how do you get all those good graphics? Where do you find them. Am new to the blogging universe…but your layout and graphics are fabulous. Looking for tips!

  10. It’s a good thing you’re so self-aware–I’d like to think I am too, but I would’ve loved to have known so much more about myself earlier on, but then again we go through mistakes to discover ourselves and our needs in all the chaos of life.

    I guess what I’m saying is it’s always a risk to trust, but at the end of the day we can’t sit on our butts and not take a chance on anything/anyone… but then again there’s always an opportunity cost to everything, and Mr. Right might come along while you’re with Mr. New, or they might be the same person, or… ahhh! Oh, look at me arguing with myself… I’ll shut up now!

    But I wish you all that best!

  1. Pingback: It’s OKAY to be scared « lifeinthefarcelane

  2. Pingback: Letting go of the past « lifeinthefarcelane

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