When men go AWOL
This is a hard post to write because my head is a total mess, which may end up reflected in this entry .. Maybe I’ll keep it short and simple (just like me!) You see, Mr New has done a runner.
There, that was simple huh 😦
It started emotionally, a week or so ago .. Then he went awol physically .. Oh and electronically too .. I do not know why because he’s not taking my calls or replying to texts.
So yeah, you know how I have suggested I already may have had abandonment issues? Call it a hunch, but I suspect this MAY NOT HELP my cause!
*sigh*
And so here I sit an absolute emotional cripple, barely functioning as I try to grapple with what the fuck has gone wrong, once more .. And I have honestly no idea, nothing triggered it that I am aware of. It just happened..
I think that is always the hardest part for me in this situation – not knowing what went wrong.. Cos it eats me up as I revisit the last conversation and go “where did I cock it up?”
So yeah this is why I’ve been a bit quiet lately cos I just haven’t had it in me to construct anything other than $!%$@%^!&*(!*(# which is about all that’s in my head.
And now if you will excuse me, I am going to go get drunk.
Again ..
Posted on March 21, 2012, in Life, Relationships and tagged Blogging, Books, Dating, Hope, Humor, Inspiration, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Love Language, Musings, personal, Random, Rants, Relationships. Friendship, Self Help, Trust. Bookmark the permalink. 59 Comments.
lifeinthefarcelane 
Okay, that sucks, officially and totally. *Major hugs*
Wish I had some wisdom to offer you, beyond pointing out that it may not be anything you did or didn’t do. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s not always your fault. And for once I’m not being sarcastic or anything (nobody die of shock). I have trouble with the idea that something not working out might not have been my fault, even when I’m fairly sure that it isn’t. I’ve figured out why I think that way though. If it’s my fault, then failure wasn’t inevitable because I had some control, even if I didn’t do the right thing with it. It’s BS, it’s not true, because I don’t always have control of everything that happens, but I think it’s at the root of my thinking that it has to be my fault somehow.
That said, I really hope that you don’t think that way. And I understand that not knowing why can be the worst part. *more hugs*
Thanks hon. Had to laugh, your thought process is very similar to mine! I guess also, I try to work out where it went wrong (even if I don’t ness think it was ME) and that isn’t easy to work out when you just dunno where they’ve gone or why they’ve gone huh!
I feel incredibly low, right now – I had such high (cautiously so!) hopes for this one. But seems he’s the same as all the others. Blah.
Guy sounds like a loser and you’re much too good for him anyway.
LOL I dunno about that but thanks 🙂
I don’t mean any disrespect, so I hope you didn’t take it that way. It’s just when someone just disappears like that, in my opinion, it’s selfish and completely disrespectful. I hope you feel better soon. Perhaps this was Karma’s way of opening the door for Mr Right when he appears soon.
Oh shit I so wasn’t upset by your comment k I am one hundred percent with you – his actions are bollocks .. And who knows what the future holds (hell for this control freak but kinda OK too) … 😉
It’s cool I didn’t take it that way / badly .. I just am not in the angry stage of the process yet so don’t think he’s a total asshole. I’m still confused and hurtin’ … anger will come tho – then bring it, I say! 😉
You did nothing wrong. This is typical behavior for a man who is beginning to feel like he’s getting too close to you. Out of nowhere he backs off for no reason even he can explain. He’s simply overwhelmed. It’s classic behavior so all is not lost.
What you do now is…nothing. Continue living your life as if he never existed. If you try and contact him now all he’ll do is feel smothered. Leave one voice mail or email that simply says, “Look, I don’t know what happened but I’ve got better things to do than to sit around and wait for you. Goodbye.”
Trust me. In about two weeks he’ll contact you like nothing happened. When he hints at a get together, turn him down but reschedule. Something like, “No, I can’t make it Saturday. I may be free Sunday, though. I’ll let you know.” That should work.
Nothing freaks a guy out more than a woman he likes that he thinks may make him the center of her universe. Once he sees you won’t, he’ll come around.
Ah hell, HE – I’ve done the “in shock” 137858 phone calls (Ok, 3 or 4 lol) I have stopped tho cos a) he’ll see the missed calls and b) aint gonna bloody answer it seems. What I don’t get is he was the one suggesting a holiday together (oh the irony of my last post ..and no, we’ve not booked anything!) he sure as hell didn’t seem to be scared .. and I was being very careful too. What bugs me is I did say something a little more “deep and meaningful” than I had, to date .. a week or so ago .. so of course am convinced it’s that. Or he’s an asshole?
FWIW, he knew he wasn’t the centre of my universe but I agree with your approach and will do it.. thanks.
That sucks dude!!! Drink up!
I’m forcing myself to wait til 4pm. Makes me feel less like a wino .. in 7 minutes tho, it’s GAME ON!
Hey, it’s always 5 somewhere…it’s 9 pm here…it’s past 5 drink up!
Shhh my head hurts .. heheh I am off to the hair salon, will have a pamper session there and get ready for a night out tonight and another tomorrow with friends who are trying to stop me from being alone and miserable 😉
(((HUGS))) Sorry to hear that… don’t beat yourself up too bad, some people are just not ready for the good stuff 🙂
Thanks Ben .. I will need to trump up a few more of those lines to get me thru this 😉
The kicker is, I was so sure it was going well. Which is why I’m so shell shocked now of course.
It’s not you, it’s him. If he’s that much of a pussy that he’ll do a runner rather than say goodbye like a grownup…. Wish I could get drunk with you.
It is pathetic how people do the runner thing, isn’t it? I HATE IT. I truly hate it. I wish you could get drunk with me too but I only have a few bottles so maybe it’s as well you’re not here or my pity party may run dry!! *grin*
He just wasn’t man enough for you. Let him go. Didn’t you mention you had three men, or something? Well, you should. You’re very attractive. And witty and stuff. So guys should be lining up for you.
I had 2 men interested at the same time earlier in the year yes, but was more interested in Mr New and told the other one I couldn’t (in fairness to either) spend any time with him. Ya know what EH? I am tired of this scene. Just so tired of the hope and excitement followed by the gutting realisation that it was just .. shit. My problem isn’t getting a man, it’s KEEPING him 😉
I think you should have done what was fair to you, and let the other people decide if they want in or out.
I thought I was 😦
Commitment-phobe? Or just an asshole 😦 H.E. is right- show him that your life has gone on without him and that you are happy. Who needs a guy like that anyways? You deserve better- stay strong!
I really like the concept of “#@!$-it, I’m OK without you – you were just a nice addition to my world” sort of thing, I do try to live that way but dunno how well I do it!
😉
My wife and I dated on and off for six years before we married — having some seriously rough breakups along the way. 25+ years later, our marriage is just as strong as ever, if not not stronger. Respect each other’s silence. If he wants to contact you, he will, on his time, not yours (and vice versa) — that’s the way it works before and after marriage for both of you.
wow .. I don’t get the on and off thing, never done it .. I get my ass dumped and never hear from them again lol
I didn’t respect the silence thing, I called and left him a snotty msg. My bad 😉
Oh well .. thanks for the comment, I appreciate hearing your POV.
I’m just so sorry…
So I can run away with your wife and dog now, yes? 😦
I’m sorry Farce! You know you deserve better. Wish I could share those misery drinks with you. : (
Lots of love, always. ❤ (that's a heart, not a carrot)
Carrots, dreadful things! Hearts. Equally as useless lol .. wonder which tastes best?
So can we go steady now? (But I still won’t share my champagne .. 2nd bottle open here .. snot pretty heh)
WTF!! This totally sucks. What a $)&!#%*!!! I hate it when guys pull this crap. So childish and disrespectful. Just man up with the truth at least! There is really nothing anyone can say to make you feel better…..but in the long run you probably dodged a bullet. He’s clearly not worthy or deserving of you. Once you are good and drunk just think about all the time he saved you. Worse if he pulled this after six months or a year later. Hang in there! No drunk dialing! Chin up, it will look better tomorrow OR you’ll be too hungover to think about it!
oops @ drunk dialling ..
I can’t believe that guy! He is obviously not worth your time – although this is something hard to hear after a break up. I went through one recently and it really took me off guard because I hadn’t known the guy very long, but I felt so empty after. We’re still friends, thankfully, because we openedly discussed the reasons he didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and are able to chat and have coffee like grown-ups do.
However, this ‘Mr New’ must be a douche to just leave and not explain.
The keeping part is always the hardest – After you meet and everything is rosy, I hate the whole worrying part that they’re going to leave me (as has been the case so far!) or that I’ll do something wrong.
I’m slowly learning that if they leave, it’s their problem and unless you’ve cheated on them, it’s not you that has caused it.
Hold your head high hun, enjoy those drinks and be better for it the next day 🙂
I dunno if I am better for the drinks today but thanks *grin* Your comment made me smile cos hearing “he’s not worth your time” is what you need to believe of course but it’s shitty at the same time because of course, you initially thought he WAS worthy. Ah fun stuff. I’m unsure I could do your friends thing, that is very grown up!
As you say – the getting: simple. Keeping, not so much. And the more it happens to you the more you end up almost bringing it to fruition because you are keeping an eye out for it, somehow ..
I like your last bit, if they go it’s not my fault. I guess I kind of know that but again: I didn’t want them to go damnitall!!! lol who’d be in my head 😉
Well…that sucks. Sorry he’s an ass and he hurt your feelings. Bastard. Totally sucks. I’m getting out the wine now…I’ll have a few glasses on your behalf.
It does suck – he sucks! Hope the wine was good and that all is going ok for you there too?
Wine is always good…unfortunately, my mom was unable to recover and passed away a short time later. Thanks for asking and your well wishes. Much appreciated.
When did it become ok to just disappear on someone u’ve been communicating with every day, planning trips with, maybe even being intimate with? Is it so fucking hard to say some words vs pulling a Houdini? I can understand a fade very early on but this is some bs.
Loved the phrase “emotional cripple”… I can completely identify with that. Not sure what else to say… I am struggling for comforting words. Guess **HUGZ** will have to do.
Thanks hon, I knew you’d read this and go “grr” and am sorry if it made you relive your recent crap with the Ass er Ambassador 😉
It does seem too hard for men to tell me when they want out (it’s happened a few times) and I wonder if it’s because they’re scared of me lol I still think it’s horribly cowardly, hell I’d even prefer a text that I could at least read (obsess over & fwd to my friends before deleting when I am emotionally ready to) than the silent treatment where you sit and wonder, over and over: “wtf happened?”
My next post will make you wince .. I did the drunken phone call thing in the wee smalls of this morning. Broke the golden rule of “break up drinking”. Didn’t lock my cell phone, laptop and home phone in a secure storage facility til morning!!
I’m on pins & needles.. Can’t wait to read it. Glad I’m not the only one who is sometimes irrational over relationships.
Find a silver lining … maybe he was in a terrible car accident and he’s now lying in a coma in a hospital somewhere with your messages blinking on his unanswered cell phone.
Would that be considered wishful thinking on my part? *grin* I did think about that scenario. But when I got hung up on (the call was picked up then died instantly without any words being exchanged) 2 days ago I got mad instead of worrying about him cos if he was in hospital a nurse would take his calls in case it was someone who could help with enquiries!
Or maybe he’s in a coma? No? Oh, ok.
Well either he is:
1) Running for the hills, from his own feelings. He’ll realize they went with him and a) give you a call, or b) be embarrassed to death, thinking/knowing he screwed up, OR
2) He’s a cowardly douche-skadouche. Seriously… Who doesn’t even say what’s wrong, or what’s changed/happened?! Especially when all seemed well. Douche-skadouches. That’s who.
I’m gonna put him in a coma if I ever see him again…
Hahaha. Take pictures! And video if you can. It should be a blog celebration.
Douche Skadouche, oooh I like it ..
I think in the clear light of this morning’s hangover, that he’s hiding from feelings (AND ME).
But I’ll reserve judgement / let you know when I figure (if?) it out ..
Gah. better to find out sooner than later? No? Yeah, you’re right.
Here, I’ll pour..
You are right, of course. It is better to know before the investment in time, energy and whatever is too great. I think I dipped my toes in the deep end when we did the holiday discussion tho so that’s my excuse for feeling pretty upset right about now ..
PS Please don’t mention pour .. My head is splitting, my eyeballs ache and omg there was a drunken “grouchy” phone call placed circa 1am this morning .. more on (moron) that later!
Men suck. And not in a useful way. Once again I renounce my connection to all men in solidarity of my sisters everywhere. Men are shallow, smelly underlings who talk about sports and cars and other stuff I care nothing about. They can’t carry on a conversation about feelings or emotions. And if you heard how they talk about women when there are none around, you would all hate them as much as I do.
Sisterhood!
We all still love you.
Find a butch, handsome lesbian and get on with your life.
LMAO you’re the bestest girlfriend ever! I did a blog post about becoming a lesbian, turns out I wasn’t so good at it, boys still hold some appeal .. damn them (note: I didn’t say you!) all 😉
That sucks big time! I agree with HE, he’s obviously got committment issues if he runs so easily! Don’t wait around for him, you got better things to do with your time and energy! *HUGS*
I feel your pain. You won’t believe this, but my ex tried to end our relationship by doing a runner. That is correct – he was my full-fledged bf at the time, and just suddenly disappeared. At first, I let some time pass and gave him the benefit of the doubt, then I decided enough was enough (plus if it was over, I wanted my shit back :P). I marched right over to his condo and banged on the door until he let me in! ‘Course, it was easier for me because I lived just 2 streets over from him, and we’d been together so long that the concierge in his building knew me well and was in the habit of just letting me in rather than making me buzz up. So I got my stuff, told him off (he had next to nothing to say for himself) and stormed out of there like I was a primetime soap diva 😛
All this to say, it was the worst break-up ever for me. Believe it or not, there was no lead-up to the fiasco. No rut, no emotional distance. So I totally get where you’re coming from. It absolutely killed me. Assholes.
I’m happy to say that a while later, he contacted me and apologized profusely for his behaviour. We had a long convo during which he acknowledged that it had been 200% douchey on his part, and that he regretted ending things that way. Although it was instrumental to my closure, I’m still never going to forgive him for it.
Sorry for the novel, but I just wanted to let you know that you are far from being alone! Some guys are just cowards. Hang in there 🙂
This sucks dead rhino ass. Hmm. Okay, since we’re friends and shit… for a small fee, I can have this guy be found with his own genitals in his mouth surrounded by gay porn and … “DNA samples.” Heart still functioning or not – that’s up to you.
Don’t worry about the “why” because it will just drive you crazy. And it doesn’t matter. He wasn’t the right one for you and that’s that.
Oh dear. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand some men.
There are a ton of better people out there, and I hope you don’t blame yourself or fret for too long. You’ll move on, and by the looks of it there are a ton of people here for you to fall back on whenever things get tough.
Cheers!
Sorry to hear about this – and so soon too. Perhaps it’s better this way but in the mean time, I hope that the rosé-tinted glasses are keeping you going 😉
I am with you, not knowing just takes up a huge parking spot in your head. Learning to let go of the need to understand all facets of human (and particularly male) behaviour is a lesson in itself!
It is the not knowing that drives me mad. Totally agree with you .. and as you say – learning to not understand everything is huge. Wow, thank you!
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