Letting go of the past

So, Mr New disappeared on me the week before St Patrick’s Day. No, that isn’t fair. He seemed withdrawn toward the middle of that week then disappeared that weekend.. leaving me to presume (agonise, ponder, fret and so on!) that he was just not that into me, for whatever reason/s ..

Of course, the reasons are what one can become somewhat bent out of shape about.. okay, the fact he vanished into the ether isn’t helpful,  but for me, the reasons are what tends to do my head in when I find myself in this situation.

That lack of understanding of the reasons when a man (or woman) goes awol on you.. Sitting grappling with the whole: “WTF did I do wrong” (and all the other very unhelpful statements that float around in your head at a time like this) it’s just very unpleasant to contend with..

I think for me, the biggest issue is that I am a complete numpty when it comes to affairs of the heart. I’m a hapless (not a typo!) romantic. I just love the notion of love.. I want to be one half of something special one day.

And no matter what happens, there’s always some part of me that hopes and dreams that one day .. just one day, maybe it’ll happen for me.

Honestly, it staggers me how much I keep trying, considering how little luck I have with it.. Cos let’s face it – if anything else proved to be this hard in my life I’d have given it up along with various gym memberships, scrapbooking, singing lessons and cheap wine.

So anyway the update on MIA man.

As I said, he had seemed a bit withdrawn and then he vanished on me for 4 days. When I say vanished, I mean that he didn’t make any contact nor respond to my attempts at contacting him.

After day #2 I tried to call a few times, day #3 I sent a couple of texts (and they were light hearted “hey, how’s things?”) and in the wee small hours of day #4 I called under the influence of gallons of booze and left a fairly snarly message when his voice mail picked up.

Regular readers will know that we had spent a lot of time together and that he had seemed very good at communication. Even when in Europe working or holidaying in the USA, he made an effort, so the total lack of contact was somewhat noticeable..

The morning of day #4 I surfaced from my drunken slumbers to a message apologising for the lack of contact, saying what a fun weekend he’d had and asking how I was.

At this point I was still ever so slightly (snort) miffed and so I responded in true asshole fashion with a fairly curt “I’m fine thanks” or words to that effect 😉

It’s my understanding that even the most Neanderthal male knows “I’m fine” is female code for “I AM SO NOT OK AND IF YOU WANNA FIX THIS YOU’LL NEED DIAMONDS” ..

Emotionally I was fraught and in the 4 days of silence, my emotions had run wild! And by the time his msg arrived I was in “$#@! .. I am worthy of more, he’s a jerk” mode.

As it turns out, he didn’t even GET that message so I have no idea what happened there. But it worked in my favour because he took the silence to mean he was in BIG trouble lol

Anyway, long story short, he’s back and very much so. In fact I’d go so far as to say he didn’t even go. Not only was his explanation plausible, it was sincere.

He had mentioned to me weeks ago that he had big plans for the weekend. But he’d not gone into details. Those big plans involved a bachelor party, away with pals. It was messy .. And having seen the pictures, that’s an understatement lol

His cell phone was wrecked in an incident involving Guinness and the ocean .. (Boys!) And he simply didn’t think that I’d be worried because he’d told me he was going to be busy.

It was that simple as far as he was concerned and honestly ..? Now we’ve talked and I step it thru’ logically, it does seem a total overreaction on my part and I feel like a complete dipstick, but I suspect he perhaps figures he got off lightly considering how pissed off and hurt I was and so we’re both busy trying to mend any damage done..

As for the emotional withdrawal I thought I sensed? He denies any such thing occurred and said he was busy but totally and utterly “into the whole deal with me” .. even saying “do you really think I’d plan a holiday with you then disappear on you?”

What freaks me out most about this is how much my past experiences nearly damaged my future!

Cos in my mind I was thinking him down a path other men had gone when he was totally not going that way  .. And in fact he was quite hurt I suggested he may have done this! Doh!

If I’m honest, the reason his “disappearing act” hurt so damn much was I really did think he wasn’t the type. Up til this point he’d seemed so decent, honest and – for all his approach is so different to mine – he had been open and communicative .. And appreciative of me.

Ah well, what can be learned from all this? Lots, I am sure .. but for now let me just say it’s nice to have him back..

Oh and the trip plans? Still being kicked around / discussed .. not necessarily helped by the 9 or so booklets he picked up from a travel agent yesterday!

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on March 25, 2012, in Hope, Humour, Love, Rants, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 35 Comments.

  1. Well, I’m glad he’s back and that it worked out. I did think the runner was odd given the vacation plans, and his own general behaviour up until this point. Maybe he needs to take a back up cell phone next time he goes out with the boys, one he can keep hidden from oceans and beer, just in case. 🙂

    Regarding your own reaction, perhaps there’s something to be learned from this incident. It’s hard to avoid judging the future by the yardstick of the past, because it’s all we have for measuring. If we throw that out, it’s this big, scary, unknowable thing, so we still use the past. It can be hard to accept that the unknowable is also filled with possibilities, including that this time will be different.

    • Agree Julie (on all counts!)

      I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have one’s past experiences shape our thinking as we move fwd, the thing is we have to move onward ..

      If the past starts to hold us back (or make us repeat the same thing over and over cos it’s safe or known to us) then I think it’s a bad thing ..

      The issue then is how the hell to let it go and move on – if we could do that simply, life would be so much simpler!

      In some ways this has been a great experience for both him and I. Because we’ve learned a lot about how the other thinks, by virtue of the discussions had.

      And that can ONLY be a good thing ..

      • It’s also a good sign that those discussions were had, because plenty of (can I say it?) couples wouldn’t have discussed what happened and learned from it. But you’re right, there’s a difference between learning from the past and being held back by it, and knowing which you’re engaging in is the really hard part to my mind.

      • Uh oh, I think I’m going to get long-distance killed by my favourite Kiwi. *tries to hide behind a story* The writing made me do it, I swear! 😀

      • LMAO!

        Well since you had a good reason!! *grins*

      • Awesome, being a writer gives me a permanent “get out of jail free” card. Hmm, I wonder how far I can stretch this… No, bad writer, don’t abuse the power of the story! With great power, and all that attendant crap…

  2. There is a quote by Tennessee Williams: Don’t let your past get bigger at the future’s expense. I try to live by that mantra but I always fail. Your post brought up a lot of feeling in me because I recently went through a break up with a gent that I cared for very much. He did a lot of disappearing acts on me during a time that I needed him the most. I had a pretty big health scare and surgery that he wasn’t even there for. He literally disappeared on me during a three day weekend than lied about it. Turns out he was visiting a former girlfriend out of state. Still, I tried to remain friends. He has done a lot to turn things around so he looks silky sheen. After this I couldn’t help but think about how my past keeps defining my future. I keep finding the same guys with the same issues. No matter how much I try to review their resumes before getting emotionally invested, they end up pulling the same stunts. Perhaps we need to compare our past to our future so we don’t repeat those mistakes. Anyway, great post. Thank you.

  3. *what she said *** points at Julie. Interesting lessons. hey if there is someone for you, does that mean there just might be someone for me??? Maybe we need a Hopeless Romantics support group!!!

    • That Julie chick is kinda switched on, her blog is great too if you haven’t checked it out!

      And yes, let’s start a group. We’ll sit in front of godawful movies and cry whilst eating ice-cream and chocolates .. no wait, that’s my “break up support group”, how would our new group work?? *grins*

      I am convinced there’s someone out there for us all. The trick is bloody finding them huh!!

  4. So happy it all worked out. I was literally just reading this blog with my mouth open the whole time saying OMG. It’s so beyond true that we often live our past in our future and react to things on that basis, so hopefully this is a good starting point for you to clear all the bad @$#* you had in your mental storage to the trash for good. Best of luck with the vacation planning and looking forward to some ‘happier’ posts!

    By the way, I am loving your blog, so I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Come on over to pick it up! http://fortyandfeelingit.wordpress.com

    I think you might have gotten one of these before, but keep up the good work!
    – Margaret

  5. I am SO WITH YOU THERE. That’s happened to me and I’m flippin’ married xD Past relationships have a horrible time interfering in the new ones. I’ve gotten in the habbit of saving conversations and writing on my google calendar when things are going on and I have it open ALL the time because my short term memory is utter crap.

    If I could offer you anything it’s this: Take each moment as a new step in life. That the person who has chosen to be in a relationship with you WANTS to be with you. Accept it. Own it. Embrace it.

    If that fails, call up your closest girlfriends and go dancing =)

    • They sure do .. lmao @ jotting down conversations! That is awesome ..

      Your advice was great thank you .. it sparked a moment of clarity too – always fun! The man wants to be around me, I’d have to be retarded not to see this. So why doubt it? (Well, we know why but yeah .. it aint sensible!)

      And dancing as a back up plan – it just gets better!

  6. Wow! Seriously, it’s like a movie script.
    Riidiculously happy this worked out for you!
    Though the fact that this comes out at the beginning, and
    – you and he both know what one of your triggers is
    – and he showed you he was faithful (loyal? coming back?)
    is great to see.

    I had an incident with my girl a long time ago when triggered something similar in her, and once I learned that we talked about it. Now it’s just a matter of me letting her know I’m stepping out before I do – simplest thing in the world to do – and she knows that unless I’m hit by a bus, I’m coming back.

    So what’s the current front runner for the holiday?

    • A black romantic horror-comedy?? *grins* Someone else said that same thing to me about him learning about me in the beginning not being a bad thing cos if he can’t hack it – tis best we both know now ..

      My biggest issue (well.. one of ’em!) is that I do try to keep in mind his need for freedom and excitement and change and a lack of clinginess (etcetc) but yeah wtfever, some days I am the original cling-on who needs some reassurance and he’s gotta deal with that in much the same way I’ve gotta deal with the fact that he wants to drop everything and run off to go skiing on 4 minutes notice (when he wakes up and the weather and powder is right!)

      The coming back thing is the key tho, esp cos in his eyes he never left lol .. in mine he did and that’s the bit we come unstuck on. Clearly it’s MY issue to work thru and maybe his loyalty will help me chill the hell out on this one 😉

      Your comment about the bus deal made me smile cos we did the exact same thing! He made a promise to come back and / or man up if he ever wanted out .. with my past, that’s all I can ask for ..

      Holiday spot this week: France, Italy, UK. Like I said, changing every 4 minutes .. last week it was the tropics lol

  7. As always, I’m the only cynic in the room. But somebody’s got to be it. Hoping I’m wrong, as always.

  8. Wow. He’s a cool guy. So there. I told you.

  9. Gotta say.. I’m a real sucker for anything that even remotely sounds like “Do you really think I would mess this up?” 🙂

    • I hear ya, damn we both are hopeless huh! LOL

      One of the things I find hard being with a “I like change” / funny guy is not getting the “depth” of stuff I like.. but BOY when he says something deep I know it means something .. and that is kinda cool! And yes it’s happened recently for all I’ve not shared that 😉

  10. Just catching up on stuff, so glad things worked out the way you wanted!!! Ain’t love grand!

  11. Oh, the old ‘my cell phone got ruined in an indecent involving alcohol and some body of water’ gambit. Sorry, I still do not trust the guy. We have our eyes on him.

    • LOLOL .. hmm ya know .. I don’t think I will tell him there is a few hundred people watching him, I can freak his cute toosh out without your help *grins* The thing with Mr New is .. I think he’s ridiculously open and honest. Lots of reasons why: Incl letting me have his credit card #, his passwords to various things and not walking away when taking phone calls .. I do think I may be the problem here .. sigh

  12. Oh dear. (But you’re not alone–I’ve had a bit of St. Elmo’s fire in my life as well!)

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