Letting go of the past

So, Mr New disappeared on me the week before St Patrick’s Day. No, that isn’t fair. He seemed withdrawn toward the middle of that week then disappeared that weekend.. leaving me to presume (agonise, ponder, fret and so on!) that he was just not that into me, for whatever reason/s ..

Of course, the reasons are what one can become somewhat bent out of shape about.. okay, the fact he vanished into the ether isn’t helpful,  but for me, the reasons are what tends to do my head in when I find myself in this situation.

That lack of understanding of the reasons when a man (or woman) goes awol on you.. Sitting grappling with the whole: “WTF did I do wrong” (and all the other very unhelpful statements that float around in your head at a time like this) it’s just very unpleasant to contend with..

I think for me, the biggest issue is that I am a complete numpty when it comes to affairs of the heart. I’m a hapless (not a typo!) romantic. I just love the notion of love.. I want to be one half of something special one day.

And no matter what happens, there’s always some part of me that hopes and dreams that one day .. just one day, maybe it’ll happen for me.

Honestly, it staggers me how much I keep trying, considering how little luck I have with it.. Cos let’s face it – if anything else proved to be this hard in my life I’d have given it up along with various gym memberships, scrapbooking, singing lessons and cheap wine.

So anyway the update on MIA man.

As I said, he had seemed a bit withdrawn and then he vanished on me for 4 days. When I say vanished, I mean that he didn’t make any contact nor respond to my attempts at contacting him.

After day #2 I tried to call a few times, day #3 I sent a couple of texts (and they were light hearted “hey, how’s things?”) and in the wee small hours of day #4 I called under the influence of gallons of booze and left a fairly snarly message when his voice mail picked up.

Regular readers will know that we had spent a lot of time together and that he had seemed very good at communication. Even when in Europe working or holidaying in the USA, he made an effort, so the total lack of contact was somewhat noticeable..

The morning of day #4 I surfaced from my drunken slumbers to a message apologising for the lack of contact, saying what a fun weekend he’d had and asking how I was.

At this point I was still ever so slightly (snort) miffed and so I responded in true asshole fashion with a fairly curt “I’m fine thanks” or words to that effect 😉

It’s my understanding that even the most Neanderthal male knows “I’m fine” is female code for “I AM SO NOT OK AND IF YOU WANNA FIX THIS YOU’LL NEED DIAMONDS” ..

Emotionally I was fraught and in the 4 days of silence, my emotions had run wild! And by the time his msg arrived I was in “$#@! .. I am worthy of more, he’s a jerk” mode.

As it turns out, he didn’t even GET that message so I have no idea what happened there. But it worked in my favour because he took the silence to mean he was in BIG trouble lol

Anyway, long story short, he’s back and very much so. In fact I’d go so far as to say he didn’t even go. Not only was his explanation plausible, it was sincere.

He had mentioned to me weeks ago that he had big plans for the weekend. But he’d not gone into details. Those big plans involved a bachelor party, away with pals. It was messy .. And having seen the pictures, that’s an understatement lol

His cell phone was wrecked in an incident involving Guinness and the ocean .. (Boys!) And he simply didn’t think that I’d be worried because he’d told me he was going to be busy.

It was that simple as far as he was concerned and honestly ..? Now we’ve talked and I step it thru’ logically, it does seem a total overreaction on my part and I feel like a complete dipstick, but I suspect he perhaps figures he got off lightly considering how pissed off and hurt I was and so we’re both busy trying to mend any damage done..

As for the emotional withdrawal I thought I sensed? He denies any such thing occurred and said he was busy but totally and utterly “into the whole deal with me” .. even saying “do you really think I’d plan a holiday with you then disappear on you?”

What freaks me out most about this is how much my past experiences nearly damaged my future!

Cos in my mind I was thinking him down a path other men had gone when he was totally not going that way  .. And in fact he was quite hurt I suggested he may have done this! Doh!

If I’m honest, the reason his “disappearing act” hurt so damn much was I really did think he wasn’t the type. Up til this point he’d seemed so decent, honest and – for all his approach is so different to mine – he had been open and communicative .. And appreciative of me.

Ah well, what can be learned from all this? Lots, I am sure .. but for now let me just say it’s nice to have him back..

Oh and the trip plans? Still being kicked around / discussed .. not necessarily helped by the 9 or so booklets he picked up from a travel agent yesterday!