Irrational insecurity

I feel bad when I post something without responding to the comments from my previous post but this post basically responds to many of the comments made, so here goes..

1. Mr New has more than proved he’s reliable in his own way (As an aside: does that statement piss anyone off as much as it does me?) “In his OWN way” generally indicates it’s without any regard for anyone but himself.. Not so much, in this case – but I have experienced it in the past!

2. Mr New has always been brutally honest about his need or enjoyment (be it subliminal or otherwise) for freedom, spontaneity, change, excitement and lack of dramas. At NO point can I ever accuse him of pretending he wasn’t just exactly who he presents to me, every single day of our time together thus far.

3. Mr New has more than let on he’s into me. And he’s hung around for a couple of months – woot, we’re going the distance! Hahah .. Okay for all I jest, this is perhaps the most critical one, i.e.: He’s still here 😉

As I said earlier, I can get men interested in me with relative ease. The issue is KEEPING them!

After a short time they disappear into the ether because the woman they 1st met has morphed into this complete and utter nutter with whom they’re mostly happy (“Cos I can cook, don’t look too shabby and put out” .. yes I said that to a guy during a break up scene many moons ago .. One of my finer moments .. sigh) but of whom they’re scared shitless.

And herein lies the rub, folks: Mr New has been nothing but fabulous.

Even when I thought he’d gone “cold” on me .. he’d actually just been busy.

IN MY DEFENCE normally we would talk or hang out every day so I think I deserve a little lattitude for my freak out esp when combined with the vanishing act but yeah, in the cold light of day – we really just have me being a dunderhead.

You see, it’s not that I think I don’t deserve him. My ego is fine.. It’s not even that I think I need to change to keep him happy or keen. I read some of your comments yesterday and it dawned on me I don’t tend to ever think that.. (I have enough issues without that too!) 😉

I KNOW he likes me and is attracted to me. He more than makes this clear to me and for all I can be insecure (snort) on a plus note – I’m reasonably simple to communicate with. Not for me the scenes, shouting matches and sulking.

I’m articulate and impatient – which means I’d far rather sit and talk shit out rationally than stew on it til I get mad and have a fight. And he copes fine with my approach .. mostly 😉

The issue is – I turn into this completely insecure fruit-loop who thinks things are going wrong when they’re not!

And in doing so – well, talk about your self fulfilling prophecy! Cos let’s face it, anyone accused of something such as abandonment is eventually going to seriously wish they could abandon me lol <– and I did actually chuckle as I typed that sentence .. ah hell..

This whole deal possibly stems from bigger issues than the occasional boyfriend not showing for a dinner date.  It may not be helped by a strict / conservative childhood ruled by a loving Father and Mother .. oops, loving til my Father cut me off and told me he never wished to deal with me again. Oh yeah, and the 9yr abusive marriage with an equally calculating and cold man (but the family approved wholeheartedly of him, so why didn’t it work??) may also come to the party ..

What a party that’d be huh *grimace*

But anyway I must say that yesterday’s lil epiphany of “omg I screw it up by becoming someone needy and vile” was exciting ..

“Hi I’m LITFL and I’m a fruitcake” .. Nutjobs anon support groups may never recover from my attendance!

I am as yet unsure how to stop myself from undergoing this personality change, but I’m sure as hell gonna give it my best shot ..  Cos I was horribly gutted last week by the imaginary disappearing act viz, I’ve invested in this guy emotionally. And his not telling me to sod off after I had my lil spazz attack .. but instead reassuring me he was totally here and engaged in this deal .. ?

Well, something tells me he’s invested too 😉

Popcorn, anyone?

As for me, I’m off for a run (to get away from my thoughts) .. on a plus note, the amount of running I am doing can only be good, I’ve never looked better! 😉


About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on March 27, 2012, in Humour, Love, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.

  1. You know what? You’re gonna be ok! 🙂

  2. Thanks for this. You articulated where I am right now in my relationship that I don’t even need to write a blog post about it!

    • Hey that last one was free of charge but from now on I expect payment k!!

      I suspect we’re not alone in our feelings, hon .. just some people don’t like to admit it. God knows I don’t. I like to think I am rational, sensible, intelligent etc .. til it comes to loooove that is!! gah

  3. Maybe you will calm down and actually believe that someone could both like you AND stay around.

  4. Being still here is a good quality in a man.

  5. My darling, you are indeed a woman. We are fine, then we go freak ass postal because men continue to think we are fine when REALLY they should f-ing know better! I’m at the point with my husband now that if he pisses me off, I call him on his BS. I think he may have liked me better passive aggressive!

  6. Glad to see things are still going steady… -ish.

  7. The him hanging around is huge! really glad the two of you can talk about this stuff and understand each other!

    • EG it isn’t easy talking to him .. because it’s so not something HE is good at, therefore I have to work doubly hard to do it in a way that I get what I need without freaking him out.. that’s .. entertaining if nothing else (sigh) ..

      To be fair, that makes him sound like an arse when he isn’t .. after all, he’s making an effort to communicate ..

      I tell ya, these Aquarius men are haaaaard work .. he’s just lucky he’s cute 😉

  8. Reassurance after the spazz attack.. **swoon** Love it.. Like my fav country song “Crazy Girl, don’t you know that I love you. I wouldn’t dream of goin’ no where. Silly woman, come here let me hold you. Have I told you lately, -Eli Young Band

  9. Happy running! It’s a great way to process. And…although fruit cake can be revolting, nuts are very good for you. Keep owning your nuttiness.

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