Online dating – A bit of a rant

I think I mentioned some time back I’d joined a dating website. Ever since then my life has been enriched in so many ways that I felt it was time to share some of it with you.

Why just this morning I was sent an invitation to share my wardrobe with a man aged 52. To spank a man aged 32. And to watch DVDs (after a walk on the beach in the sunset, to be fair) with a man of 60+.

I can’t bring myself to tell you what the boy of 22 wanted me to do to / with him. For all it coulda been fun *grins*

Below are a few excerpts from my inbox:

Hi, I’m a guy who enjoys being teased and disciplined by women. It would be great to chat with, maybe meet a woman who would enjoy having some fun along these lines – spanking me would be a good start. I realise that this is a most unusual request so I apologise in advance if you’re offended by this. What do you think so far? Hope to hear from you soon. From: Naughty boy A 32 year old Male seeking Friendships

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Now to clarify – my profile is as vanilla as can be. I re-read it today to be sure. NOWHERE do I say I’d be even remotely curious about some man getting his jollies while I spank him. GEEEEEEEZ!

For all I was delighted with his grammar, I just sent him something along the lines of “really???!!?” and then blocked his unspanked ass.

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The most offensive (call me a prude but it really did irritate me) was the fact that this man even VIEWED my profile. I should be grateful he had the brains (?) not to message me:

“York Hunt 45yr old man seeking serious relationships” .. It was only when I said his name out loud that I just kinda snorted but not in a good way. Jerk. And he’s after a serious relationship with anything more than his hand or something totally vile??

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This next one made me laugh. Albeit more a derisive snort than a humourous “how funny” kinda laugh.

Professional intelligent guy looking to communicate with intelligent lady. I Enjoy wine, music, DVD’s, no pressure etc. Pretty easy to get on with.

That was his tag line. It wasn’t too bad, I thought!?

He reiterates in the “what he’s looking for” section:

Lady who is easy to communicate with, fun, likes to laugh , sense of humour.

A FRIENDLY HELLO, HOPE YOUR DAY HAS BEEN FAVOURABLE… <– his first msg to me.

SO far so good!  Hell he even spelt favourable right, (for this side of the planet) presuming we ignore the caps lock!

And so I reply:

 “hey! My day wasn’t too shabby thanks, how was yours?”

GOOD. I’m Horny tho. Can you help?

I sent him a link to a porn site.
Not heard from him since.
Guess I helped? 😉

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My all time fave was this one, I’ve copied and pasted his entire profile to give additional context:

Newbie seeking to dressup…

Please send a message so we can chat… Im quite ‘normal’ actually…

The important characteristics I’m looking for:
Someone who can cope with a crossdresser… one behind closed doors anyway…

So, in his message to me he suggested we were the same sized clothes and asked if I’d like to chat.

I quizzed him on his breast size. As well, I may have mentioned my only child status and a dislike of sharing. He never replied.
These men have NO staying power, I swear! 😉

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And last but not least, for today anyway this delightful profile made me want to stab myself in the eyes to get away from it:

i njoy dining out lov to travel nce cars out for nce meals

WHERE ARE THE VOWELS?
*stabs eyes*

That was his FIRST email to me followed a few minutes later by a reminder “WELL?”

My reply?
 “Read my damn profile” <– Angry drunk 😉

Oh god he replied.

“I hv”

Being polite (for reasons that elude me!) I sent a “Goodnight”

A G A I N he REPLIES?!

“U to.”

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Now for additional insight into my somewhat (from the above exchange, anyway!) uptight personality, here is my profile:

Looking for friends? (My heading)

I’m passionate, intelligent, energetic and told I’m fun to be around. Reasonably easy-going, I suspect ‘laid back’ could be a bit of a stretch – I’m just not into dramas, life really is too short for that. Some random info about me:  I have an aversion to stupid and / or mean people. I’ve never eaten oysters. I love fast cars & French champagne, both of which you’ll be pleased to know I can afford without you.

Oh and I absolutely loathe shoe shopping.

There’s 2 sections to each profile so I can add what I seek, as well as what I offer and I have the following:

My wish list would include a man who’s tall and around my age. Healthy + intelligent.. Oh and you MUST have a sense of humour!  At the end of the day we each have our own personal preferences so have a read and see if there’s anything here you think we can work with.

PS: Can we please communicate in ‘real’ words? My brain hrts readng txt spk!

Aint life grand .. Or at the least? It sure as heck isn’t ever boring lol

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About lifeinthefarcelane

Giving life the shake down it so richly deserves.

Posted on May 10, 2012, in Hope, Humour, Life, Love, Optimism, Rants, Relationships, Stress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Well, that was fun and kinda irritating. Those guys has their own definition of “looking for friends” apparently they associate it all with …. nothing VANILLA! 🙂

  2. Hmm, I have a feeling you’ll enjoy this blog http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/
    I actually thought you were that blogger with a name change! You’ve probably got more in common than just this http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/05/07/internet-dating-rant/#comment-3027

    • I USED to follow this blog (at the risk of sounding creepy I opened the link you sent then sat staring at her pic going “where do I know that face from”) back last year and somehow lost the follow, so now am back in her band of followers – yay thank you: Seriously, I’m chuffed! *hugs*

  3. This was a real laugh out loud post for me! I ‘did’ internet dating almost 8 years ago and have to say I too received quite a few messages that were: sad/shameful/rude/revolting/creepy/slimey/vile/cretinous/slushy/pornographic and just plain sick!
    Thankfully though, I hung on in there (my optimistic gene) and one day received a ‘normal’ reply from a ‘normal’ guy – he’s still ‘normal’ after 7.5 years …. (husband for five of those) …so don’t give up! 🙂

  4. Those are crazy. I like your profile though. I would hate all the text talk too. There are definitely a lot of weirdo’s out there, but at least they give us something to talk about. 😉

  5. Laughing too much to be able to think of a good reply! Love reading about your life!!

  6. I am definitely not brave enough to try online dating, especially after your stories. Funny as hell, to be sure, and that guy who professed no pressure then announced that he was Jory is priceless. I just don’t think I could do that. Too busy the days anyway. 🙂

  7. Once again I feel the shame of being a male in modern society. Thanks for that. There are good men out there. We most likely will never be lucky enough to meet one of them, but keep up the hope.

  8. Haha, ‘I’m horny can you help?’ sends link to porn site. That is classic I swear that’s just too funny! I did once have a man in his 40s, I’m 23, ask me if I would go shopping for women’s clothes with him! I had to politely decline as he wasn’t rude, and wished him luck on finding a woman who would!

  9. Oh, wow! It really IS a jungle out there.

  10. I though the question “God I am Horny, can you help me?” was aimed at me and now I feel really disappointed ahaha

  11. Enjoyed that, thanks!

  12. So… you don’t want a relationship with York Hunt? How about Mike Hunt?

  13. Robotic Rhetoric

    You’re hilarious! Hope you have some luck in the form of a grammatically blessed suitor without a penchant for ass-whippings or cross-dressings soon !

  14. LMAO!!! It was like you were writing about my life. It’s annoying, its funny and at times, bloody irritating. But I take comfort in the fact I always have hilarious over drinks material to regale my coupled-up friends with *grins*

    Hey, who knows what gem tomorrow will bring 🙂

  1. Pingback: Mirror mirror on the floor .. « lifeinthefarcelane

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