Category Archives: Happy-ness

Someone stole my MOJO!

I’m having a very omg-what’s-going-on-woe-is-me / sorry-for-myself afternoon today, so look out cos if you keep reading, you’re officially my unpaid therapists 😉

Mindful that I never post any more, I am unsure quite why I don’t post, other than being a lazy tart and perhaps having no decent material, to be fair.

My  life has changed SO much in recent times .. and mostly in a good way, I have to say! The last year and a bit has been one of good but massive change however, my love life continues to be a complete screw up. (Nice to know some things never change huh!)

I’ve meandered between “I don’t care, I’m happy as I am” to “omg I wanna find a mate and be one half of something neat” to (today) “I have got to give up on this shit, I am clearly useless at relationships so why keep trying?”

Cos let’s face it, if I was as shit at ice skating as I am dating – I’d quit. If I was as rubbish at sky diving, I’d hopefully have a chance to say “no more!”

But with dating, omg there’s so much potential to just go on and on and on (cue Celine Dion / Titanic musack!)
And look how THAT worked out!??!

The thing is .. I am not at all unhappy. I am thrilled with where I am in life. Other than getting older (sigh) I am happy. But I DO find myself occasionally thinking “what would it be like to have someone around whom I adore?” Other than my dogs, that is 😉

So this explains why  I have had a variety of date disasters recently. (This whole “I feel like I need something else” bollocks thing being blamed!) but I am unsure any are blog-worthy, they’re just sad stories lol

I might go into details on that at some point, but I guess I kind of just wanted to touch base with anyone who still bothers to check in here and say hey, I’m alive, I’m quite happy but still single and (you can thank me now for being constant in that!) if I had anything more interesting than “meh this dating thing bites” I would write it, honest!

Seems it doesn’t matter where we live

Romance (or the lack thereof!) speaks to us wherever we are. Today my top hits were from:

United States

Oman

Indonesia

Romania

New Zealand

Yesterday,  I was popular in:

Country Views
United States FlagUnited States 3
Lebanon FlagLebanon 3
Canada FlagCanada 1
Australia FlagAustralia 1
India FlagIndia 1
Nice to know that having no bloody idea how to have a relationship is a world-wide thing 😉

Swinging (Yet another dating disaster!)

I thought it was time to run another series of dating disasters because let’s face it: I’ve had my share! Not all my dates have been duds, so don’t despair! It’s fair to say that some test my faith (and sense of humour!) however it can’t be all bad – cos I keep doing it 😉

This particular date night was one I have tried hard to stash in the darkest recesses of my mind, it was such a shocker .. substance abuse, alcohol and stupidity = bad blend. I only admit to two of the 3 😉

We met through a friend of a friend at a BBQ, many years ago now. He was elegantly beautiful. Sort of movie star meets businessman. I have a thing for pretty I am told. Well, he was picture perfect. Or so it seemed!

Not only was he educated, funny and smelt amazing – he seemed smitten with me and who doesn’t like when that happens? He was attentive, witty and we had a lot of laughs at our very first meeting. From there, he did everything right..

Got my address off our mutual friend and sent flowers to say he’d loved meeting me (swoon!) then there were phone calls, long lazy ones where we shared lots – he invested a lot of time in his pursuit, I will give him that.

There was also meals and drinks out .. parties attended, movies, ice skating – I really thought I had met a winner. And everyone said we looked good together, it just felt..

Great!

After about 6 weeks of this perfection, he said we had yet another party invite and was I interested. I’d have gone to the opening of a phone book with him had he asked, so a party was never an issue.  I set to glamming myself up – this was a new crowd mostly people I’d not yet met, so he said. Thus I wanted to impress. Sexy lil black dress. Heels .. the usual.

He picked me up (said I looked gorgeous – we liked him more with every meeting!) and we headed into a suburb that was affluent and picturesque – I recall now, I was impressed with the people he hung out with. He seemed very well connected .. I was in my late 20s and these things seem to matter at that age .. or they did to me anyway ..

Upon arrival we were plied with hugs, air kisses and – oddly (although not so much in hindsight!) I had my face stroked by one of the women who was at the door.. I wrote it off as a person who was overly touchy feely, we all know (and avoid!!) one, after all!

We were then told to help ourselves to drinks and boy were they generous hosts!

Didn’t seem to matter what one wanted, it was all there. Including aforementioned drugs.. It was like something out of a movie. I confess to being reasonably naive in my younger days so this display kind of freaked me out but I was trying my best to be all handle it and hang with the cool kids.

I also glued myself to Mr perfect’s side.
For all the good it did me!

Mr Perfect set to introducing me to everyone. And gosh but they were friendly. I lost count of the kisses and gropes I had! For all I like to be part of a crowd, I do recall it was a little .. odd.

About the time I was feeling super uber everything is about when it all started to unravel lol

As I said, I was glued to Mr Perfect’s side .. but the bastard unglued me and disappeared, leaving me in the (literally!) clutches of a very hot but … well, a lot older and OH YEAH FEMALE guest at the party.

Initially, she had done the whole “you’re new to this crowd, why don’t I introduce you” thing. And it was nice to view a friendly face amid the new ones .. not gonna lie there. Not the least cos I’d been ditched by MrBeautifullyperfect (sigh) ..

Then there was the moment I found her hand on my ass.
And her husband attached to hers .. whilst eyeing up mine ..

Should I go on, or do you get the picture?

Suffice to say, Mr Perfect and I – not s’much a happening thing from thereonin 😉

Yule be right, mate

It’s Christmas morning here in New Zealand. And as I sit here enjoying my morning coffee, having done a few chores and taken the dog for a walk .. I find myself pondering “Peace on earth” and all the other sayings trotted out at this time of year.

I think really, it isn’t peace on earth we should all strive for. It’s peace within. If we attain that – we’re winning.

A short time ago I was reading overnight texts, emails & facebook updates. Everyone is posting gorgeous pics of kids and trees and gifts and the like. I have no tree, no xmas decos, nothing to say it’s Xmas here in the way of decorations. There’s other history behind why Xmas is of little joy to me, not appropriate for this blog.

However, I have to admit for the first time in a few years: I feel at peace this Christmas.
And it’s nice.

Happy Christmas to you. Where-ever you are and however you celebrate this date: I hope it is safe, relaxing and enjoyable.

PS Why the title? A fave kiwi saying is “she’ll be right, mate” It seemed apt to Xmas-it-up a bit!

images

The end is nigh

So my last post was a tiny bit depressing, as I digested the news that I was destined to be single for a rather long time to come. However, some time has since elapsed and I am now accustomed to this notion vs. being somewhat bemused, confused and pissed off about it 😉

Instead of becoming too depressed, I have opted to change a few things that are within my control. And it feels kinda good, I must say!

Including pushing the lovely but (seemingly) out of grasp Mr fabulous into a safe place (for me) where he no longer features as “important”, instead he’s in the corner with other “so damn hot and want him to bits but don’t like the baggage he comes with” types.

He’s overseas – as always. And we do talk, albeit occasionally. And almost always on his terms. And for all I want you to all think I am in control i.e,: I’m “the man”, I’m a complete wuss and whilst his terms suck – oh how I love to hear from him 😦

Perhaps the most human and sad bit of this post which is really just intended to be an update not something to make you all wanna come cuddle me and make me feel better (for all I wouldn’t say no to that lol)

ANYWAY the real reason for this post was to say hi, touch base and wish you all a very relaxed and happy Xmas (assuming the Mayan’s are wrong, of course!) and to say “watch this space” cos by heck there’s some new stuff going down in my world in the new year and who the heck knows what it will bring but as I sink into my 3rd champagne here in 88 deg (F) heat, I wanna say “Bring it!”

And soon, I hope to be ready for whatever “it” brings 😉

How about you?

Are you ready for Xmas?
And the new year?

I look forward to hearing from you all and keeping in touch ~ way better than I have done til now. Below is a pic of the NZ Christmas tree. It’s found on many beaches .. it may not be Christmassy to you but to us it so totally symbolises Xmas in this sunny hemisphere come December 🙂

Merry Christmas, my friends. My wish for you is happiness in silly quantities and I look fwd to hearing about the pursuit of and/or realisation of it xo

R♥mance

Visited a psychic today. Cow clearly was bonafide: She told me I will be single for a long time cos I scare men. Okay her exact words: I am too independent and don’t need a man.

Hmm, how am I doing with this whole romance bizzo, Edward? *sigh* I’m sorry, I really want to want him but I don’t want to need him..  Is that so wrong?

Alone? That’s OK

Google search the word “alone” and you’re returned approx. 5174810 pages. Of pictures in sepia or black and white, of all sorts of things: Sad faced puppies. Children. People. Skulls. Kittens. In puddles. On the edge of a pier. In the rain. With tatty teddy bears. Sad prose. Broken roses.. If one wasn’t depressed when they 1st Googled the damn word they would fast get there!

Wandering along a deserted (it was 5am) beach this morning, I was hit by the realisation that I was thoroughly enjoying being alone. This of course got me to thinking and I started to dissect the word alone.

ALONE. Say it with me: ALONE. Say it out loud: ALONE. It just sounds so negative.

Sure, there are times when the word isn’t all bad. For example: “She couldn’t have done it alone” but even THAT is effectively saying if you ARE alone you’re weak, incapable, incomplete.. Alone, poor you.

To be fair, I tend to go on about alone. Banging on about how I wish I was one half of some sort of decent relationship. If we did a tally up, probably every second entry on my blog says this 😉 So today’s realisation that I was alone, (happily) came as a bit of a shock.

Sometimes I do wonder if people who say “I’m OK alone” are just saying it in the hopes they will one day BE ok but I suppose that is what made today’s realisation so much more of a shock. I did mean it. I felt completely okay with it.

So, as I’ve gone through my Sunday. Alone. I’ve pondered this notion of alone and OK.

I walked the beach. Alone. It was peaceful, soothing and enjoyable. I came home and ate brunch. Alone. Cooked. Alone. By me. Alone. In my home. Alone. It was delicious. Alone. Hmm, I didn’t wash the dishes. I need a house keeper, not a mate? 😉

I went visiting some friends. Alone. They didn’t seem too put out by me being alone. And after an enjoyable visit, I drove home. Alone. Stopping at the shops to buy some champagne. To drink.

Alone.

A little while ago I was on the couch, watching telly. Feet up. Button of my jeans undone (very Al Bundy-esque) bare foot, singlet top. Urban sprawl personified.  Alone, of course.

And I actually grinned to myself as I realised how much I was so totally okay with this being alone thing.

It felt good, that realisation.

Not to say that in a few months (or whatever) I wont think “I don’t wanna be alone” but being happily something when you kind of can’t change it: quite liberating I must say.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to play music. Loud music. And fold laundry. And do dishes. And maybe go for a walk to the park so I can feed some stale bread to the ducks. And then come home and have a long hot shower, wash my hair and drink some champagne..

You guessed it: ALONE 🙂

I KNOW who I am

For all I don’t know how to have a successful long term relationship, I do know the person that I am. If I can say it without sounding vain – I even kinda like me and over the years have grown to realise that despite many short-comings – there’s a lot about me that is kinda OK. I know what makes me tick and the strengths and weaknesses that form the package deal of me.

Which I think is different to: “I’m a complete fuck up and I don’t understand why I can’t land a man” or “I have Daddy issues and wish the men in my life treated me better” – or .. Whatever ..

I suspect that sometimes people must read my blog, read the questions that I find myself asking .. As well as the “internal thought processing” I engage in and they must think I am a complete and utter loser.

Depending on your slant .. Your life experiences .. Your beliefs (etc) you’ll either think I’m a hard-assed bitch with no chance of finding herself a man. Or you’ll think I’m a hapless soul stumbling from drama to drama, and if I land a man it’ll be by pure luck 😉

So to the charming gentleman *snort* who took the time to email me and suggest I get over myself (plus a bunch of other inspirational statements) I say get lost. Oops I mean “thanks” but I’m happy muddling along as I am. So do us a favour –  take your arsehole comments and go harass someone else k

On a plus note it got me mad enough to check in and update my blog *grins* Hi to everyone, I hope you’re all well out there in WP land – I miss you all but omg I’m busy working some crazy hours all over the world and it’s really leaving me no time to even catch my breath!

But I miss you all and hope you’re all fabulous x

It’s raining men (Hallelujah?)

I’ve neglected you lately. I’m sorry, and I know I’ve already apologised but I wanna do it again so shut up and let me! Life, for all it’s been massively different since taking some time out has been kinda cool too.  A lot of time has been spent thinking, relaxing, being happy and laughing. Yes that sounds odd but I like laughing so doing it often has been rather fabulous.

As well as taking some me time, I’ve (re)connected with family and friends and made some new ones along the way. Not all good (lol) but the way I always try to look at it? It’s an experience and ya know? A lot of people never get them, (experiences, I mean) so who am I to complain!

Life is never simple though.

Right now, thanks to a lovely blogger friend of mine I am in the messy but fun situation of having 3 men fight for my attention. And travelling a lot for work, allowing for all sorts of opportunities and experiences.

I know. Oh poor me (shaddup) lol

To stay on topic – not only do I have an old flame from 17 years ago chasing me (long story, maybe one day, cos it is a lovely story) I also have this guy back on the scene but I think he’s either fucking with me or being cautious. OK I don’t really think he’s fucking with me on purpose but that isn’t the point.

And there’s a new adorable man also trying to get my attention. And it’s cool.

And I’ve decided that’s the deal. It’s cool. How can I complain about having men wanting me? How can I complain about being torn between him, him or him?

Oh yeah. Cos it’s confusing! grrr lol Oh to have my problems, I know.

Whatever, I really just wanted to say I’m alive / here, busy, having fun and confused as always. Nice to know somethings never change, right? 😉

Being, happily

I promised myself I wouldn’t write another post til I’d replied to a few of the comments (cos I love my comments and my “commenters”!) on my last couple of posts but I am in danger of having people think I’ve dropped off the planet so thought a quick update was in order before a busy weekend!*

Taking the advice from one reader who said “kick that idiot over in Europe to the curb” I have managed to push him out of my mind for the most part (approx. 98% there, lol .. he still manages to creep into my thoughts now and then) and I have been happily doing my own thing.

Healing, I called it today when talking to a friend. That sounds ever so slightly melodramatic but it’s been an awful couple of years with a bunch of stuff going on for me (not solely related to my love life) and this self-imposed exile has been extremely helpful.

It’s been a time for me to clear my mind. To assess what was really important to me .. and what was not so important. Interesting times indeed! And, as I say – very helpful..

As well, I’ve been slowly getting to know a man I met online the week I moved here. I’d not mentioned him and for no particular reason, I think it’s probably because he was just normal / fine so it was more entertaining pondering WTF the deal was with the pumpan’dump guy than saying I’d had a wine with a nice guy 😉

I hadn’t put any “label” on what we were doing until my best friend said to me “So you’re a couple now?” after a lovely dinner and drinks date on Friday evening. She was being sarcastic because in giving her the “bff to bff account of the evening” I’d said we didn’t have sex (SHE asked, we have no boundaries this friend and I LOL) but it did make me think “gosh, are we a couple?”

My thinking is I don’t actually want (nor need) to label it. I just am going to enjoy it and see what happens. Maybe having a certain lack of expectation is helpful to relationship longevity or maybe I’m just too tired of being hopeful and being let down, whichever it is, I am at peace with this no-label deal and enjoying spending time once or twice a week with this man.

And that in itself is kinda cool.

Also cool is the fact I’ve rediscovered the joy of music and I’ve also gotten into gardening. Yes, often at the same time! I have an amazing (ancient but awesome!) stereo but my ex didn’t like music (noise, he called it) so when I got here I had it set up so I have speakers all through my house including 2 that pipe the ‘noise’ outside. Which works well with my new found gardening habit.

I never knew it could be so satisfying!

I don’t like the dirty fingernails thing but love the result of my labours and each day I go out to my winter vege patch and eye up the very stressed out plants (as I imagine them covered in cheese sauce or gravy alongside my fave meals!) and delight in the whole vege patch thing I have going on.

Not quite taking time to smell the roses but along the same lines I’d guess.

Anyway, I do hope everyone out there is well. I often think of you guys and do try to read for all I don’t often comment but I WILL catch up some time (You’ve been warned!) Meantime I really must go and think about some more weeding. The down-side to gardening!

*Hah didn’t get this finished before he came over on Friday, it’s now Sunday afternoon and I’m trying to finish this in between other critical things I keep promising myself I will do – such as gardening and sitting in the sunshine 😉

And just cos it made me giggle:

Europe, Porn and Sexy lingerie

So yeah, apparently I’ve been a bit quiet (for me! LOL) Well it’s been kinda .. hectic .. in my world. In the last few weeks I have:

Moved towns, travelled 11801 miles to end a relationship*, been on a date with what seemed like the perfect man only to have to ask him to leave long before HE thought it was over and did I mention I quit my job after a scrap with a very high ranking govt official?

Mmm. Been a funny ol’ time for LITFL!

But let’s start with the *Paris trip. Going back a little bit now, we had the “break up because of the distance thing” followed by quite a few phone calls, texts and emails – more than one would expect from a guy who’s saying “this isn’t going to work” as he jets off overseas.

I became confused and thought maybe there was a chance it’d work but needed to know more. And so, on a total (and very expensive, ffs!) whim – flew to Paris to surprise / confront his nibs.

It went fabulously ’til the last day I was there and then it all came crashing down. The distance thing .. the lack of intimacy .. the lack of closeness .. it’s just insurmountable, it seems.

I flew home to a total shitstorm in my work situation (albeit not a total surprise) but on being smacked around a time or two too many, I had already told all the wrong people to shove it pre Europe and so I walked.

And when I say walked? I upped and left town!

I know. I don’t do things by halves lol

And so we have me now living in a different city, single. Alone, save for my 2 cats.
And kinda OK ..

I really like the above pic because there are – honest to god – days when I say to anyone “I’m cool” when I’m anything but. Not sure I’d cope with the wrong people saying “no you’re not, here’s a hug” but I like the concept for all that.

Now I KNOW I will be ok, long term. After all, I don’t have an incurable disease, a kidnapped child or anything that is really serious. I have an inability to find the right man. White woman problem. I get it.

But hey this is my blog and I’m giving an update of what’s going on and how I feel about it. Don’t like it? Don’t approve? Think I’m being a wanker? Fuck off. Oops I mean, cheers .. but please, leave me to sort myself out without your judgement, I just don’t need it.

Oh and the title of this blog? Well duh I packed lingerie, I bought video porn (albeit unintentional for all the haughty Frenchman at reception didn’t believe me) and .. well I went to Europe!

Yes, I know .. I left out the awful date, that’s a-whole nother entry in the making lol

SURPRISE!

OMG, Mr New came home a day earlier than he told me and surprised me just now with a beautiful bunch of white lilies (He listens! I vaguely recall once mentioning to him that they were my fave flowers) and a text message timed as the delivery was being made, to say: “I’m back, did ya miss me?”

Wanna know what really annoys me about this?

The thrill that I felt when I opened the card and saw who they were from. That stupid-assed grin that hasn’t yet been wiped off my face. That slightly giddy sense of wonder.. that he actually did something this lovely for me. 

And the fact that I acted like a complete wanker while he was away, in that I actually wasted energy worrying that I’d never see or hear from him again.
*sigh*

I was feeling very anxious this morning, no denying it. The fact is I knew he’d be out of contact because he told me so. But that didn’t stop me from being a dick and worrying. Aint baggage grand .. !

Ah well, at least I was able to internalise (or blogalise, as the case was) my stupidity instead of laying it on him or I am willing to bet I’d have received something quite different to flowers on his return .. 😉

Russian Girlfriend

Reading a couple of self-help books since Xmas has left me with much to think about.. I have to confess, I did get crabby a time or two whilst reading – cos I found myself nodding and going “omg that’s me!” 😉

One of the books that particularly fascinated me was on the theme of commitment phobes. Initially I thought “this is just silly, I love being in love.. I want to be in a relationship”. Til I read the book and it spelled out what (and why!) I was doing in my relationships.

But that is a topic for another day!

One critical thing I have identified about myself is the fact that I’m always in a hurry. Russian here, russian there ..

If anyone were to ask me, I’d honest to god say that I think I am calm, intelligent and frightfully well-grounded but then I find myself rushing here and there, always a little more busy than I perhaps should be .. And for what?

For habit, is what!

I was raised in a family where one never rested.. Being busy was king. Being quiet or resting was bad.. So I grew up thinking it was not ok to just sit back and enjoy things. I had to be busy, fussing around – in order to be “good” like my Mother.

Heck even if you were sick, you just sucked it up and kept on going.. stiff upper lip and all that twaddle.

The first time I became aware of this “issue” was many years ago when I was with someone who was so friggen laid back it nearly did my head in! .. but he did help me to look at my then very unhealthy “super-busy-rush-rush-can’t stop, too much to do” approach to life.

And thanks to his approach to life, I was able to slow down a little .. I forced myself to “chill”.

However, I acknowledge that I still tend to be constantly trying to be busy and since life is busy, without trying – that just ain’t sensible, I know!

But honestly, even whilst doing one thing I am guilty of thinking ahead .. planning my next move .. instead of just being IN the moment I’m in and enjoying or savouring it.

An example: I’m at the gym, it’s 7pm after a long (busy) day. Instead of stopping to take a long and leisurely shower in the very pleasant bathrooms there, I dive in / dive out and rush off to the next thing.. even if the next thing is just to step into the sauna for 20 minutes.. then of course I’m in the sauna and what do I do? I don’t lay back and relax. I sit and watch the timer cos I’ve gotta rush off and have another shower then go home and get changed and go out to dinner and come back and feed the cat and thaw some meat for dinner tomorrow and email x about lunch on Friday and and and .. yeah well, you get the picture..

So, this week I have actively reminded myself to try to take time to enjoy the entire experience .. of whatever it may be I am doing, as opposed to just wanting to ‘get it done’ so I can move onto the next thing.

Tuesday I had an hour long facial and hand massage.. normally I’d lay there and think about the rest of my day .. planning out what I need to do next. Instead, I lay there and zoned out. I listened to the music quietly playing in the background. I’m sure it’s always played (on other visits) but do you know, for the life of me I can’t recall ever hearing it.

And when the girl said to me “you can lay here and relax for awhile if you like, there’s no rush” once she was done, instead of leaping up and racing off like I normally would, I dozed quietly til she came back to see why the heck I was still there lol

At the gym today, I strolled around the changing rooms, I enjoyed a long hot shower. I washed my hair. I even dried it there. (Instead of just bunching it into a pony tail and rushing off as per normal) I lay in the sauna and didn’t open my eyes for as long as I could manage (baby steps, shaddup) and I tried to clear my mind of “what’s next”. It felt kinda neat, too..

But as I enjoyed doing this, I did find myself getting a little cross .. For the fact it’s taken me this long to get around to doing it 😉

I mean really, WHAT is so wrong with taking life slowly (obviously time and place comes to mind but far out – relax in the sauna, woman!) I dislike the expression ‘stop and smell the roses’ because I always do that already so figured I had it nailed .. but yeah, I’d still be rushing from one rose bush to the next, because I’m terribly busy don’t you know .. sigh ..

This approach to life has taken it’s toll on relationships too. Like I’ve said before, I tend to jump into a relationship 200%, way too quickly and then we’re all left reading tragic blog entries about why it’s not working out for me.

Well derrrrr!

And so it is, she makes a slightly late new year’s resolution:

I will make an effort to slow down. I will learn to relax. I will try to enjoy the moment rather than just get it done so I can move onto the next. And I will try to come to terms with the fact that as much as I’d like to control everything, I cannot and with this in mind – I will just try to enjoy ‘stuff’ as it unfolds.

Wish me luck, cos I suspectI’m gonna need it 😉

$!#@! It’s Valentine’s Day

I am always thankful for surviving that family-filled festival of hell most people call Xmas.. And New Years is fine: that’s when you ditch your family and hang with friends and / or just chill out. January sort of eases you back into the swing of things. But just when you thought it was safe to relax then along comes February!

The month of doom for anyone who is single or .. maybe worse .. for someone who’s living with a romantic slug.

It’s that time when every florist rubs their hands together with glee, every bookshop bursts with nauseating heart covered cards, cinemas air the most dreadful romantic movies, the television is awash with mush, every supermarket and candy store stocks up on heart shaped chocolates and every unattached / single person just thinks to themselves:

“Shit.”

As I am sure most of us do – I have some lovely valentine’s day memories ..

Of course, I have some pretty horrible ones too. The worst would have to be the year before I left my husband.. It started so well – to say I was surprised but thrilled to get a dozen red roses delivered to me is an understatement.

I duly raced off and bought a dozen or so heart-shaped chocolates and some skanky red lingerie he’d hinted he found hot, before setting the chocolates up to lead him from the front door to the boudoir where I had arranged myself in a very obvious “I’m good to go!” sort of fashion.

The hubby came home at the usual time, walked to the bedroom doorway and said “hey”, whilst eating the chocolates and then wandered off mumbling something about a football game on the telly.

I lay there in total and utter disbelief. There is no other way to describe it.. This was 20 years ago now and as I type this, I can still recall the godawful feeling of being utterly, totally devastated. I was too shocked to even cry..

I just felt .. desolate..

Eventually I got up, cooked his dinner, damn near dropped it in his lap and went off to a (single!) gal pal’s house for the evening where we sat and watched chick flicks, ate chocolate, drank wine and had a lovely Valentine’s day evening eventually 😉

Fast forward a year and I spent my first Valentine’s day alone after ending what was a truly dreadful marriage. I bought myself some lilies (which I far prefer over roses), got a few gorgeous chocolates and hired a sappy movie.

I sat and blubbed my way thru said movie, scoffed the chocolates, admired the flowers and went to bed in an old but fave night-shirt. I’d thrown the lingerie out, it hurt too much to even see it.

Oh, I later found out that his secretary had arranged the flowers. She’d asked him if he’d done anything the morning of V-day and kept at him til eventually he threw her his credit card and said “if you wanna get her some flowers go for it”.. She told me this after we got divorced..

Anyway, this year, who knows what my Valentine’s day will bring!

But I do know this much – I don’t actually mind, whatever happens. Because at the end of the day, sure I’m single but for the most part I’m happy. I’m healthy, I have a fabulous circle of friends. Life is good (and always beats the alternative!)

So yeah, bring it Valentine’s day cos I’m kinda at peace with my world right now.
And that isn’t anything to sneeze at, if you ask me..

Happy New Year!

And  so it begins. As I type this it’s 5.51pm, 31 Dec 2011. My lists await me.. In order to ensure constraint free thinking, my apartment is spotlessly tidy. My bed turned down and ready for me whenever it is I feel like going there..

And it’s time to drink some bubbles!

Yeah cos that makes for fun list making *grins* Happy New Years, whenever you get to 2012 and however you celebrate it: I hope the months ahead are filled with everything you need.

And more. Fuckit, let’s be greedy on such an occasion!

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