Category Archives: Hope

Someone stole my MOJO!

I’m having a very omg-what’s-going-on-woe-is-me / sorry-for-myself afternoon today, so look out cos if you keep reading, you’re officially my unpaid therapists 😉

Mindful that I never post any more, I am unsure quite why I don’t post, other than being a lazy tart and perhaps having no decent material, to be fair.

My  life has changed SO much in recent times .. and mostly in a good way, I have to say! The last year and a bit has been one of good but massive change however, my love life continues to be a complete screw up. (Nice to know some things never change huh!)

I’ve meandered between “I don’t care, I’m happy as I am” to “omg I wanna find a mate and be one half of something neat” to (today) “I have got to give up on this shit, I am clearly useless at relationships so why keep trying?”

Cos let’s face it, if I was as shit at ice skating as I am dating – I’d quit. If I was as rubbish at sky diving, I’d hopefully have a chance to say “no more!”

But with dating, omg there’s so much potential to just go on and on and on (cue Celine Dion / Titanic musack!)
And look how THAT worked out!??!

The thing is .. I am not at all unhappy. I am thrilled with where I am in life. Other than getting older (sigh) I am happy. But I DO find myself occasionally thinking “what would it be like to have someone around whom I adore?” Other than my dogs, that is 😉

So this explains why  I have had a variety of date disasters recently. (This whole “I feel like I need something else” bollocks thing being blamed!) but I am unsure any are blog-worthy, they’re just sad stories lol

I might go into details on that at some point, but I guess I kind of just wanted to touch base with anyone who still bothers to check in here and say hey, I’m alive, I’m quite happy but still single and (you can thank me now for being constant in that!) if I had anything more interesting than “meh this dating thing bites” I would write it, honest!


Seems it doesn’t matter where we live

Romance (or the lack thereof!) speaks to us wherever we are. Today my top hits were from:

United States




New Zealand

Yesterday,  I was popular in:

Country Views
United States FlagUnited States 3
Lebanon FlagLebanon 3
Canada FlagCanada 1
Australia FlagAustralia 1
India FlagIndia 1
Nice to know that having no bloody idea how to have a relationship is a world-wide thing 😉

Swinging (Yet another dating disaster!)

I thought it was time to run another series of dating disasters because let’s face it: I’ve had my share! Not all my dates have been duds, so don’t despair! It’s fair to say that some test my faith (and sense of humour!) however it can’t be all bad – cos I keep doing it 😉

This particular date night was one I have tried hard to stash in the darkest recesses of my mind, it was such a shocker .. substance abuse, alcohol and stupidity = bad blend. I only admit to two of the 3 😉

We met through a friend of a friend at a BBQ, many years ago now. He was elegantly beautiful. Sort of movie star meets businessman. I have a thing for pretty I am told. Well, he was picture perfect. Or so it seemed!

Not only was he educated, funny and smelt amazing – he seemed smitten with me and who doesn’t like when that happens? He was attentive, witty and we had a lot of laughs at our very first meeting. From there, he did everything right..

Got my address off our mutual friend and sent flowers to say he’d loved meeting me (swoon!) then there were phone calls, long lazy ones where we shared lots – he invested a lot of time in his pursuit, I will give him that.

There was also meals and drinks out .. parties attended, movies, ice skating – I really thought I had met a winner. And everyone said we looked good together, it just felt..


After about 6 weeks of this perfection, he said we had yet another party invite and was I interested. I’d have gone to the opening of a phone book with him had he asked, so a party was never an issue.  I set to glamming myself up – this was a new crowd mostly people I’d not yet met, so he said. Thus I wanted to impress. Sexy lil black dress. Heels .. the usual.

He picked me up (said I looked gorgeous – we liked him more with every meeting!) and we headed into a suburb that was affluent and picturesque – I recall now, I was impressed with the people he hung out with. He seemed very well connected .. I was in my late 20s and these things seem to matter at that age .. or they did to me anyway ..

Upon arrival we were plied with hugs, air kisses and – oddly (although not so much in hindsight!) I had my face stroked by one of the women who was at the door.. I wrote it off as a person who was overly touchy feely, we all know (and avoid!!) one, after all!

We were then told to help ourselves to drinks and boy were they generous hosts!

Didn’t seem to matter what one wanted, it was all there. Including aforementioned drugs.. It was like something out of a movie. I confess to being reasonably naive in my younger days so this display kind of freaked me out but I was trying my best to be all handle it and hang with the cool kids.

I also glued myself to Mr perfect’s side.
For all the good it did me!

Mr Perfect set to introducing me to everyone. And gosh but they were friendly. I lost count of the kisses and gropes I had! For all I like to be part of a crowd, I do recall it was a little .. odd.

About the time I was feeling super uber everything is about when it all started to unravel lol

As I said, I was glued to Mr Perfect’s side .. but the bastard unglued me and disappeared, leaving me in the (literally!) clutches of a very hot but … well, a lot older and OH YEAH FEMALE guest at the party.

Initially, she had done the whole “you’re new to this crowd, why don’t I introduce you” thing. And it was nice to view a friendly face amid the new ones .. not gonna lie there. Not the least cos I’d been ditched by MrBeautifullyperfect (sigh) ..

Then there was the moment I found her hand on my ass.
And her husband attached to hers .. whilst eyeing up mine ..

Should I go on, or do you get the picture?

Suffice to say, Mr Perfect and I – not s’much a happening thing from thereonin 😉

Cougars vs. Girls

I know the difference now! I finally worked it out, an hour or so ago! So exciting! Yes, I know .. I need to get out more!

I think we need to make a sign that goes:

Take a woman to McDonalds and you’ll have a happy time.
Take a girl to McDonalds and you’ll need a new girlfriend.
By all means, get a happy meal on your way out .. alone..

So you will possibly remember that last year I had a profile on a dating website. And I recently started chatting with a very charming man. A Doctor, no less. From England. Everything was looking frightfully proper .. he gave good email,  heck he even phoned me! And he was quite different to the men I tended to go for. Long story but I think we do tend to meet people through work, but since I aint no quack – that was not happening here!

Anyhoo. For us there were long chats. Ascertaining info about each other. Basically, I set to figuring him out before meeting .. this is the downside to online, I think. You kind of judge before even meeting.. anyway .. things came to a head when I cocked up  .. I know, I know! I SHOULD know better ..

But I had to ask!

Why – when you’re sexy as all hell (and oh my, but he is sex on two legs if his pics and skype is anything to go by!) well educated and only aged 29 – would you want to spend time with a woman of my vintage?  Why not spend it with young girls, peers. Friends – whatever. Why even show the slightest interest in an old girl, such as me?

He barely hesitated (and this is what hit me) before saying:

“I find older women more interesting, they’ve done more and they’re just so much .. (he threw in a few adjectives but I’ve chosen to hang onto one!) simpler”
Is it just me or did he just describe a 9yr old labrador?

Ah well, whatever ..  the upshot is we’re going out for drinks next week (our first f2f meeting) but I can’t help myself from wondering is it just because he hopes to avoid the marriage, babies and white picket fence crap that girls seem to want (I know I did, at a much younger age) and hopes for a quick fuck or is it cos he’s kind of into me?

We shall see!

Speaking of what we shall see – I cannot for the life of me see an old lady???

Advice to (a younger) me

Advice to (a younger) me. I loved re-reading this, hope you will too 🙂

Yule be right, mate

It’s Christmas morning here in New Zealand. And as I sit here enjoying my morning coffee, having done a few chores and taken the dog for a walk .. I find myself pondering “Peace on earth” and all the other sayings trotted out at this time of year.

I think really, it isn’t peace on earth we should all strive for. It’s peace within. If we attain that – we’re winning.

A short time ago I was reading overnight texts, emails & facebook updates. Everyone is posting gorgeous pics of kids and trees and gifts and the like. I have no tree, no xmas decos, nothing to say it’s Xmas here in the way of decorations. There’s other history behind why Xmas is of little joy to me, not appropriate for this blog.

However, I have to admit for the first time in a few years: I feel at peace this Christmas.
And it’s nice.

Happy Christmas to you. Where-ever you are and however you celebrate this date: I hope it is safe, relaxing and enjoyable.

PS Why the title? A fave kiwi saying is “she’ll be right, mate” It seemed apt to Xmas-it-up a bit!


The end is nigh

So my last post was a tiny bit depressing, as I digested the news that I was destined to be single for a rather long time to come. However, some time has since elapsed and I am now accustomed to this notion vs. being somewhat bemused, confused and pissed off about it 😉

Instead of becoming too depressed, I have opted to change a few things that are within my control. And it feels kinda good, I must say!

Including pushing the lovely but (seemingly) out of grasp Mr fabulous into a safe place (for me) where he no longer features as “important”, instead he’s in the corner with other “so damn hot and want him to bits but don’t like the baggage he comes with” types.

He’s overseas – as always. And we do talk, albeit occasionally. And almost always on his terms. And for all I want you to all think I am in control i.e,: I’m “the man”, I’m a complete wuss and whilst his terms suck – oh how I love to hear from him 😦

Perhaps the most human and sad bit of this post which is really just intended to be an update not something to make you all wanna come cuddle me and make me feel better (for all I wouldn’t say no to that lol)

ANYWAY the real reason for this post was to say hi, touch base and wish you all a very relaxed and happy Xmas (assuming the Mayan’s are wrong, of course!) and to say “watch this space” cos by heck there’s some new stuff going down in my world in the new year and who the heck knows what it will bring but as I sink into my 3rd champagne here in 88 deg (F) heat, I wanna say “Bring it!”

And soon, I hope to be ready for whatever “it” brings 😉

How about you?

Are you ready for Xmas?
And the new year?

I look forward to hearing from you all and keeping in touch ~ way better than I have done til now. Below is a pic of the NZ Christmas tree. It’s found on many beaches .. it may not be Christmassy to you but to us it so totally symbolises Xmas in this sunny hemisphere come December 🙂

Merry Christmas, my friends. My wish for you is happiness in silly quantities and I look fwd to hearing about the pursuit of and/or realisation of it xo


Visited a psychic today. Cow clearly was bonafide: She told me I will be single for a long time cos I scare men. Okay her exact words: I am too independent and don’t need a man.

Hmm, how am I doing with this whole romance bizzo, Edward? *sigh* I’m sorry, I really want to want him but I don’t want to need him..  Is that so wrong?

Alone? That’s OK

Google search the word “alone” and you’re returned approx. 5174810 pages. Of pictures in sepia or black and white, of all sorts of things: Sad faced puppies. Children. People. Skulls. Kittens. In puddles. On the edge of a pier. In the rain. With tatty teddy bears. Sad prose. Broken roses.. If one wasn’t depressed when they 1st Googled the damn word they would fast get there!

Wandering along a deserted (it was 5am) beach this morning, I was hit by the realisation that I was thoroughly enjoying being alone. This of course got me to thinking and I started to dissect the word alone.

ALONE. Say it with me: ALONE. Say it out loud: ALONE. It just sounds so negative.

Sure, there are times when the word isn’t all bad. For example: “She couldn’t have done it alone” but even THAT is effectively saying if you ARE alone you’re weak, incapable, incomplete.. Alone, poor you.

To be fair, I tend to go on about alone. Banging on about how I wish I was one half of some sort of decent relationship. If we did a tally up, probably every second entry on my blog says this 😉 So today’s realisation that I was alone, (happily) came as a bit of a shock.

Sometimes I do wonder if people who say “I’m OK alone” are just saying it in the hopes they will one day BE ok but I suppose that is what made today’s realisation so much more of a shock. I did mean it. I felt completely okay with it.

So, as I’ve gone through my Sunday. Alone. I’ve pondered this notion of alone and OK.

I walked the beach. Alone. It was peaceful, soothing and enjoyable. I came home and ate brunch. Alone. Cooked. Alone. By me. Alone. In my home. Alone. It was delicious. Alone. Hmm, I didn’t wash the dishes. I need a house keeper, not a mate? 😉

I went visiting some friends. Alone. They didn’t seem too put out by me being alone. And after an enjoyable visit, I drove home. Alone. Stopping at the shops to buy some champagne. To drink.


A little while ago I was on the couch, watching telly. Feet up. Button of my jeans undone (very Al Bundy-esque) bare foot, singlet top. Urban sprawl personified.  Alone, of course.

And I actually grinned to myself as I realised how much I was so totally okay with this being alone thing.

It felt good, that realisation.

Not to say that in a few months (or whatever) I wont think “I don’t wanna be alone” but being happily something when you kind of can’t change it: quite liberating I must say.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to play music. Loud music. And fold laundry. And do dishes. And maybe go for a walk to the park so I can feed some stale bread to the ducks. And then come home and have a long hot shower, wash my hair and drink some champagne..

You guessed it: ALONE 🙂

It’s raining men (Hallelujah?)

I’ve neglected you lately. I’m sorry, and I know I’ve already apologised but I wanna do it again so shut up and let me! Life, for all it’s been massively different since taking some time out has been kinda cool too.  A lot of time has been spent thinking, relaxing, being happy and laughing. Yes that sounds odd but I like laughing so doing it often has been rather fabulous.

As well as taking some me time, I’ve (re)connected with family and friends and made some new ones along the way. Not all good (lol) but the way I always try to look at it? It’s an experience and ya know? A lot of people never get them, (experiences, I mean) so who am I to complain!

Life is never simple though.

Right now, thanks to a lovely blogger friend of mine I am in the messy but fun situation of having 3 men fight for my attention. And travelling a lot for work, allowing for all sorts of opportunities and experiences.

I know. Oh poor me (shaddup) lol

To stay on topic – not only do I have an old flame from 17 years ago chasing me (long story, maybe one day, cos it is a lovely story) I also have this guy back on the scene but I think he’s either fucking with me or being cautious. OK I don’t really think he’s fucking with me on purpose but that isn’t the point.

And there’s a new adorable man also trying to get my attention. And it’s cool.

And I’ve decided that’s the deal. It’s cool. How can I complain about having men wanting me? How can I complain about being torn between him, him or him?

Oh yeah. Cos it’s confusing! grrr lol Oh to have my problems, I know.

Whatever, I really just wanted to say I’m alive / here, busy, having fun and confused as always. Nice to know somethings never change, right? 😉

I’m actually in love with someone else

But I really do enjoy spending time with you and hope we can continue to do this?

That is the line uttered to me just now. Or 2 hours ago, I should say. I’ve spent the last wee while staring at the wall (and drinking gin — lots) whilst trying to work out why the universe thinks it’s so funny to fuck with me this way (I’m actually laughing as I type that bit but in a teeth-gritted sorta way!) 😉

Ahh hell..!

Yeah so Mr nice guy – who is really nice – is in love with a woman who isn’t in love with him. Yes. I asked. It’s like tooth ache – I had to go there! From my asking, an hour long discussion ensued. About the woman of his dreams. (ie not ME!) but instead about a woman he’s madly in love with ..

A woman who does not share those feelings. Yet.
He hopes.

So he’s trying to move on. His words..

If moving on means dating someone else, he’d be right – we’d all agree, yes? And hey, honesty IS the best policy, everyone knows this! But uh yeah he’s IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

Let’s not lose sight of those words. Cos HONESTLY, talking to him and watching his face as he talked. He aint moving on. He’s just trying to.

But he’s in love.. Poor man.

Ah well. Back to the drawing board we go lol

Being, happily

I promised myself I wouldn’t write another post til I’d replied to a few of the comments (cos I love my comments and my “commenters”!) on my last couple of posts but I am in danger of having people think I’ve dropped off the planet so thought a quick update was in order before a busy weekend!*

Taking the advice from one reader who said “kick that idiot over in Europe to the curb” I have managed to push him out of my mind for the most part (approx. 98% there, lol .. he still manages to creep into my thoughts now and then) and I have been happily doing my own thing.

Healing, I called it today when talking to a friend. That sounds ever so slightly melodramatic but it’s been an awful couple of years with a bunch of stuff going on for me (not solely related to my love life) and this self-imposed exile has been extremely helpful.

It’s been a time for me to clear my mind. To assess what was really important to me .. and what was not so important. Interesting times indeed! And, as I say – very helpful..

As well, I’ve been slowly getting to know a man I met online the week I moved here. I’d not mentioned him and for no particular reason, I think it’s probably because he was just normal / fine so it was more entertaining pondering WTF the deal was with the pumpan’dump guy than saying I’d had a wine with a nice guy 😉

I hadn’t put any “label” on what we were doing until my best friend said to me “So you’re a couple now?” after a lovely dinner and drinks date on Friday evening. She was being sarcastic because in giving her the “bff to bff account of the evening” I’d said we didn’t have sex (SHE asked, we have no boundaries this friend and I LOL) but it did make me think “gosh, are we a couple?”

My thinking is I don’t actually want (nor need) to label it. I just am going to enjoy it and see what happens. Maybe having a certain lack of expectation is helpful to relationship longevity or maybe I’m just too tired of being hopeful and being let down, whichever it is, I am at peace with this no-label deal and enjoying spending time once or twice a week with this man.

And that in itself is kinda cool.

Also cool is the fact I’ve rediscovered the joy of music and I’ve also gotten into gardening. Yes, often at the same time! I have an amazing (ancient but awesome!) stereo but my ex didn’t like music (noise, he called it) so when I got here I had it set up so I have speakers all through my house including 2 that pipe the ‘noise’ outside. Which works well with my new found gardening habit.

I never knew it could be so satisfying!

I don’t like the dirty fingernails thing but love the result of my labours and each day I go out to my winter vege patch and eye up the very stressed out plants (as I imagine them covered in cheese sauce or gravy alongside my fave meals!) and delight in the whole vege patch thing I have going on.

Not quite taking time to smell the roses but along the same lines I’d guess.

Anyway, I do hope everyone out there is well. I often think of you guys and do try to read for all I don’t often comment but I WILL catch up some time (You’ve been warned!) Meantime I really must go and think about some more weeding. The down-side to gardening!

*Hah didn’t get this finished before he came over on Friday, it’s now Sunday afternoon and I’m trying to finish this in between other critical things I keep promising myself I will do – such as gardening and sitting in the sunshine 😉

And just cos it made me giggle:

Online dating – A bit of a rant

I think I mentioned some time back I’d joined a dating website. Ever since then my life has been enriched in so many ways that I felt it was time to share some of it with you.

Why just this morning I was sent an invitation to share my wardrobe with a man aged 52. To spank a man aged 32. And to watch DVDs (after a walk on the beach in the sunset, to be fair) with a man of 60+.

I can’t bring myself to tell you what the boy of 22 wanted me to do to / with him. For all it coulda been fun *grins*

Below are a few excerpts from my inbox:

Hi, I’m a guy who enjoys being teased and disciplined by women. It would be great to chat with, maybe meet a woman who would enjoy having some fun along these lines – spanking me would be a good start. I realise that this is a most unusual request so I apologise in advance if you’re offended by this. What do you think so far? Hope to hear from you soon. From: Naughty boy A 32 year old Male seeking Friendships

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Now to clarify – my profile is as vanilla as can be. I re-read it today to be sure. NOWHERE do I say I’d be even remotely curious about some man getting his jollies while I spank him. GEEEEEEEZ!

For all I was delighted with his grammar, I just sent him something along the lines of “really???!!?” and then blocked his unspanked ass.

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The most offensive (call me a prude but it really did irritate me) was the fact that this man even VIEWED my profile. I should be grateful he had the brains (?) not to message me:

“York Hunt 45yr old man seeking serious relationships” .. It was only when I said his name out loud that I just kinda snorted but not in a good way. Jerk. And he’s after a serious relationship with anything more than his hand or something totally vile??

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This next one made me laugh. Albeit more a derisive snort than a humourous “how funny” kinda laugh.

Professional intelligent guy looking to communicate with intelligent lady. I Enjoy wine, music, DVD’s, no pressure etc. Pretty easy to get on with.

That was his tag line. It wasn’t too bad, I thought!?

He reiterates in the “what he’s looking for” section:

Lady who is easy to communicate with, fun, likes to laugh , sense of humour.


SO far so good!  Hell he even spelt favourable right, (for this side of the planet) presuming we ignore the caps lock!

And so I reply:

 “hey! My day wasn’t too shabby thanks, how was yours?”

GOOD. I’m Horny tho. Can you help?

I sent him a link to a porn site.
Not heard from him since.
Guess I helped? 😉

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My all time fave was this one, I’ve copied and pasted his entire profile to give additional context:

Newbie seeking to dressup…

Please send a message so we can chat… Im quite ‘normal’ actually…

The important characteristics I’m looking for:
Someone who can cope with a crossdresser… one behind closed doors anyway…

So, in his message to me he suggested we were the same sized clothes and asked if I’d like to chat.

I quizzed him on his breast size. As well, I may have mentioned my only child status and a dislike of sharing. He never replied.
These men have NO staying power, I swear! 😉

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And last but not least, for today anyway this delightful profile made me want to stab myself in the eyes to get away from it:

i njoy dining out lov to travel nce cars out for nce meals

*stabs eyes*

That was his FIRST email to me followed a few minutes later by a reminder “WELL?”

My reply?
 “Read my damn profile” <– Angry drunk 😉

Oh god he replied.

“I hv”

Being polite (for reasons that elude me!) I sent a “Goodnight”


“U to.”

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Now for additional insight into my somewhat (from the above exchange, anyway!) uptight personality, here is my profile:

Looking for friends? (My heading)

I’m passionate, intelligent, energetic and told I’m fun to be around. Reasonably easy-going, I suspect ‘laid back’ could be a bit of a stretch – I’m just not into dramas, life really is too short for that. Some random info about me:  I have an aversion to stupid and / or mean people. I’ve never eaten oysters. I love fast cars & French champagne, both of which you’ll be pleased to know I can afford without you.

Oh and I absolutely loathe shoe shopping.

There’s 2 sections to each profile so I can add what I seek, as well as what I offer and I have the following:

My wish list would include a man who’s tall and around my age. Healthy + intelligent.. Oh and you MUST have a sense of humour!  At the end of the day we each have our own personal preferences so have a read and see if there’s anything here you think we can work with.

PS: Can we please communicate in ‘real’ words? My brain hrts readng txt spk!

Aint life grand .. Or at the least? It sure as heck isn’t ever boring lol

Europe, Porn and Sexy lingerie

So yeah, apparently I’ve been a bit quiet (for me! LOL) Well it’s been kinda .. hectic .. in my world. In the last few weeks I have:

Moved towns, travelled 11801 miles to end a relationship*, been on a date with what seemed like the perfect man only to have to ask him to leave long before HE thought it was over and did I mention I quit my job after a scrap with a very high ranking govt official?

Mmm. Been a funny ol’ time for LITFL!

But let’s start with the *Paris trip. Going back a little bit now, we had the “break up because of the distance thing” followed by quite a few phone calls, texts and emails – more than one would expect from a guy who’s saying “this isn’t going to work” as he jets off overseas.

I became confused and thought maybe there was a chance it’d work but needed to know more. And so, on a total (and very expensive, ffs!) whim – flew to Paris to surprise / confront his nibs.

It went fabulously ’til the last day I was there and then it all came crashing down. The distance thing .. the lack of intimacy .. the lack of closeness .. it’s just insurmountable, it seems.

I flew home to a total shitstorm in my work situation (albeit not a total surprise) but on being smacked around a time or two too many, I had already told all the wrong people to shove it pre Europe and so I walked.

And when I say walked? I upped and left town!

I know. I don’t do things by halves lol

And so we have me now living in a different city, single. Alone, save for my 2 cats.
And kinda OK ..

I really like the above pic because there are – honest to god – days when I say to anyone “I’m cool” when I’m anything but. Not sure I’d cope with the wrong people saying “no you’re not, here’s a hug” but I like the concept for all that.

Now I KNOW I will be ok, long term. After all, I don’t have an incurable disease, a kidnapped child or anything that is really serious. I have an inability to find the right man. White woman problem. I get it.

But hey this is my blog and I’m giving an update of what’s going on and how I feel about it. Don’t like it? Don’t approve? Think I’m being a wanker? Fuck off. Oops I mean, cheers .. but please, leave me to sort myself out without your judgement, I just don’t need it.

Oh and the title of this blog? Well duh I packed lingerie, I bought video porn (albeit unintentional for all the haughty Frenchman at reception didn’t believe me) and .. well I went to Europe!

Yes, I know .. I left out the awful date, that’s a-whole nother entry in the making lol

Letting go of the past

So, Mr New disappeared on me the week before St Patrick’s Day. No, that isn’t fair. He seemed withdrawn toward the middle of that week then disappeared that weekend.. leaving me to presume (agonise, ponder, fret and so on!) that he was just not that into me, for whatever reason/s ..

Of course, the reasons are what one can become somewhat bent out of shape about.. okay, the fact he vanished into the ether isn’t helpful,  but for me, the reasons are what tends to do my head in when I find myself in this situation.

That lack of understanding of the reasons when a man (or woman) goes awol on you.. Sitting grappling with the whole: “WTF did I do wrong” (and all the other very unhelpful statements that float around in your head at a time like this) it’s just very unpleasant to contend with..

I think for me, the biggest issue is that I am a complete numpty when it comes to affairs of the heart. I’m a hapless (not a typo!) romantic. I just love the notion of love.. I want to be one half of something special one day.

And no matter what happens, there’s always some part of me that hopes and dreams that one day .. just one day, maybe it’ll happen for me.

Honestly, it staggers me how much I keep trying, considering how little luck I have with it.. Cos let’s face it – if anything else proved to be this hard in my life I’d have given it up along with various gym memberships, scrapbooking, singing lessons and cheap wine.

So anyway the update on MIA man.

As I said, he had seemed a bit withdrawn and then he vanished on me for 4 days. When I say vanished, I mean that he didn’t make any contact nor respond to my attempts at contacting him.

After day #2 I tried to call a few times, day #3 I sent a couple of texts (and they were light hearted “hey, how’s things?”) and in the wee small hours of day #4 I called under the influence of gallons of booze and left a fairly snarly message when his voice mail picked up.

Regular readers will know that we had spent a lot of time together and that he had seemed very good at communication. Even when in Europe working or holidaying in the USA, he made an effort, so the total lack of contact was somewhat noticeable..

The morning of day #4 I surfaced from my drunken slumbers to a message apologising for the lack of contact, saying what a fun weekend he’d had and asking how I was.

At this point I was still ever so slightly (snort) miffed and so I responded in true asshole fashion with a fairly curt “I’m fine thanks” or words to that effect 😉

It’s my understanding that even the most Neanderthal male knows “I’m fine” is female code for “I AM SO NOT OK AND IF YOU WANNA FIX THIS YOU’LL NEED DIAMONDS” ..

Emotionally I was fraught and in the 4 days of silence, my emotions had run wild! And by the time his msg arrived I was in “$#@! .. I am worthy of more, he’s a jerk” mode.

As it turns out, he didn’t even GET that message so I have no idea what happened there. But it worked in my favour because he took the silence to mean he was in BIG trouble lol

Anyway, long story short, he’s back and very much so. In fact I’d go so far as to say he didn’t even go. Not only was his explanation plausible, it was sincere.

He had mentioned to me weeks ago that he had big plans for the weekend. But he’d not gone into details. Those big plans involved a bachelor party, away with pals. It was messy .. And having seen the pictures, that’s an understatement lol

His cell phone was wrecked in an incident involving Guinness and the ocean .. (Boys!) And he simply didn’t think that I’d be worried because he’d told me he was going to be busy.

It was that simple as far as he was concerned and honestly ..? Now we’ve talked and I step it thru’ logically, it does seem a total overreaction on my part and I feel like a complete dipstick, but I suspect he perhaps figures he got off lightly considering how pissed off and hurt I was and so we’re both busy trying to mend any damage done..

As for the emotional withdrawal I thought I sensed? He denies any such thing occurred and said he was busy but totally and utterly “into the whole deal with me” .. even saying “do you really think I’d plan a holiday with you then disappear on you?”

What freaks me out most about this is how much my past experiences nearly damaged my future!

Cos in my mind I was thinking him down a path other men had gone when he was totally not going that way  .. And in fact he was quite hurt I suggested he may have done this! Doh!

If I’m honest, the reason his “disappearing act” hurt so damn much was I really did think he wasn’t the type. Up til this point he’d seemed so decent, honest and – for all his approach is so different to mine – he had been open and communicative .. And appreciative of me.

Ah well, what can be learned from all this? Lots, I am sure .. but for now let me just say it’s nice to have him back..

Oh and the trip plans? Still being kicked around / discussed .. not necessarily helped by the 9 or so booklets he picked up from a travel agent yesterday!

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