Category Archives: Optimism

Seems it doesn’t matter where we live

Romance (or the lack thereof!) speaks to us wherever we are. Today my top hits were from:

United States

Oman

Indonesia

Romania

New Zealand

Yesterday,  I was popular in:

Country Views
United States FlagUnited States 3
Lebanon FlagLebanon 3
Canada FlagCanada 1
Australia FlagAustralia 1
India FlagIndia 1
Nice to know that having no bloody idea how to have a relationship is a world-wide thing 😉
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Swinging (Yet another dating disaster!)

I thought it was time to run another series of dating disasters because let’s face it: I’ve had my share! Not all my dates have been duds, so don’t despair! It’s fair to say that some test my faith (and sense of humour!) however it can’t be all bad – cos I keep doing it 😉

This particular date night was one I have tried hard to stash in the darkest recesses of my mind, it was such a shocker .. substance abuse, alcohol and stupidity = bad blend. I only admit to two of the 3 😉

We met through a friend of a friend at a BBQ, many years ago now. He was elegantly beautiful. Sort of movie star meets businessman. I have a thing for pretty I am told. Well, he was picture perfect. Or so it seemed!

Not only was he educated, funny and smelt amazing – he seemed smitten with me and who doesn’t like when that happens? He was attentive, witty and we had a lot of laughs at our very first meeting. From there, he did everything right..

Got my address off our mutual friend and sent flowers to say he’d loved meeting me (swoon!) then there were phone calls, long lazy ones where we shared lots – he invested a lot of time in his pursuit, I will give him that.

There was also meals and drinks out .. parties attended, movies, ice skating – I really thought I had met a winner. And everyone said we looked good together, it just felt..

Great!

After about 6 weeks of this perfection, he said we had yet another party invite and was I interested. I’d have gone to the opening of a phone book with him had he asked, so a party was never an issue.  I set to glamming myself up – this was a new crowd mostly people I’d not yet met, so he said. Thus I wanted to impress. Sexy lil black dress. Heels .. the usual.

He picked me up (said I looked gorgeous – we liked him more with every meeting!) and we headed into a suburb that was affluent and picturesque – I recall now, I was impressed with the people he hung out with. He seemed very well connected .. I was in my late 20s and these things seem to matter at that age .. or they did to me anyway ..

Upon arrival we were plied with hugs, air kisses and – oddly (although not so much in hindsight!) I had my face stroked by one of the women who was at the door.. I wrote it off as a person who was overly touchy feely, we all know (and avoid!!) one, after all!

We were then told to help ourselves to drinks and boy were they generous hosts!

Didn’t seem to matter what one wanted, it was all there. Including aforementioned drugs.. It was like something out of a movie. I confess to being reasonably naive in my younger days so this display kind of freaked me out but I was trying my best to be all handle it and hang with the cool kids.

I also glued myself to Mr perfect’s side.
For all the good it did me!

Mr Perfect set to introducing me to everyone. And gosh but they were friendly. I lost count of the kisses and gropes I had! For all I like to be part of a crowd, I do recall it was a little .. odd.

About the time I was feeling super uber everything is about when it all started to unravel lol

As I said, I was glued to Mr Perfect’s side .. but the bastard unglued me and disappeared, leaving me in the (literally!) clutches of a very hot but … well, a lot older and OH YEAH FEMALE guest at the party.

Initially, she had done the whole “you’re new to this crowd, why don’t I introduce you” thing. And it was nice to view a friendly face amid the new ones .. not gonna lie there. Not the least cos I’d been ditched by MrBeautifullyperfect (sigh) ..

Then there was the moment I found her hand on my ass.
And her husband attached to hers .. whilst eyeing up mine ..

Should I go on, or do you get the picture?

Suffice to say, Mr Perfect and I – not s’much a happening thing from thereonin 😉

Advice to (a younger) me

Advice to (a younger) me. I loved re-reading this, hope you will too 🙂

The end is nigh

So my last post was a tiny bit depressing, as I digested the news that I was destined to be single for a rather long time to come. However, some time has since elapsed and I am now accustomed to this notion vs. being somewhat bemused, confused and pissed off about it 😉

Instead of becoming too depressed, I have opted to change a few things that are within my control. And it feels kinda good, I must say!

Including pushing the lovely but (seemingly) out of grasp Mr fabulous into a safe place (for me) where he no longer features as “important”, instead he’s in the corner with other “so damn hot and want him to bits but don’t like the baggage he comes with” types.

He’s overseas – as always. And we do talk, albeit occasionally. And almost always on his terms. And for all I want you to all think I am in control i.e,: I’m “the man”, I’m a complete wuss and whilst his terms suck – oh how I love to hear from him 😦

Perhaps the most human and sad bit of this post which is really just intended to be an update not something to make you all wanna come cuddle me and make me feel better (for all I wouldn’t say no to that lol)

ANYWAY the real reason for this post was to say hi, touch base and wish you all a very relaxed and happy Xmas (assuming the Mayan’s are wrong, of course!) and to say “watch this space” cos by heck there’s some new stuff going down in my world in the new year and who the heck knows what it will bring but as I sink into my 3rd champagne here in 88 deg (F) heat, I wanna say “Bring it!”

And soon, I hope to be ready for whatever “it” brings 😉

How about you?

Are you ready for Xmas?
And the new year?

I look forward to hearing from you all and keeping in touch ~ way better than I have done til now. Below is a pic of the NZ Christmas tree. It’s found on many beaches .. it may not be Christmassy to you but to us it so totally symbolises Xmas in this sunny hemisphere come December 🙂

Merry Christmas, my friends. My wish for you is happiness in silly quantities and I look fwd to hearing about the pursuit of and/or realisation of it xo

R♥mance

Visited a psychic today. Cow clearly was bonafide: She told me I will be single for a long time cos I scare men. Okay her exact words: I am too independent and don’t need a man.

Hmm, how am I doing with this whole romance bizzo, Edward? *sigh* I’m sorry, I really want to want him but I don’t want to need him..  Is that so wrong?

Alone? That’s OK

Google search the word “alone” and you’re returned approx. 5174810 pages. Of pictures in sepia or black and white, of all sorts of things: Sad faced puppies. Children. People. Skulls. Kittens. In puddles. On the edge of a pier. In the rain. With tatty teddy bears. Sad prose. Broken roses.. If one wasn’t depressed when they 1st Googled the damn word they would fast get there!

Wandering along a deserted (it was 5am) beach this morning, I was hit by the realisation that I was thoroughly enjoying being alone. This of course got me to thinking and I started to dissect the word alone.

ALONE. Say it with me: ALONE. Say it out loud: ALONE. It just sounds so negative.

Sure, there are times when the word isn’t all bad. For example: “She couldn’t have done it alone” but even THAT is effectively saying if you ARE alone you’re weak, incapable, incomplete.. Alone, poor you.

To be fair, I tend to go on about alone. Banging on about how I wish I was one half of some sort of decent relationship. If we did a tally up, probably every second entry on my blog says this 😉 So today’s realisation that I was alone, (happily) came as a bit of a shock.

Sometimes I do wonder if people who say “I’m OK alone” are just saying it in the hopes they will one day BE ok but I suppose that is what made today’s realisation so much more of a shock. I did mean it. I felt completely okay with it.

So, as I’ve gone through my Sunday. Alone. I’ve pondered this notion of alone and OK.

I walked the beach. Alone. It was peaceful, soothing and enjoyable. I came home and ate brunch. Alone. Cooked. Alone. By me. Alone. In my home. Alone. It was delicious. Alone. Hmm, I didn’t wash the dishes. I need a house keeper, not a mate? 😉

I went visiting some friends. Alone. They didn’t seem too put out by me being alone. And after an enjoyable visit, I drove home. Alone. Stopping at the shops to buy some champagne. To drink.

Alone.

A little while ago I was on the couch, watching telly. Feet up. Button of my jeans undone (very Al Bundy-esque) bare foot, singlet top. Urban sprawl personified.  Alone, of course.

And I actually grinned to myself as I realised how much I was so totally okay with this being alone thing.

It felt good, that realisation.

Not to say that in a few months (or whatever) I wont think “I don’t wanna be alone” but being happily something when you kind of can’t change it: quite liberating I must say.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to play music. Loud music. And fold laundry. And do dishes. And maybe go for a walk to the park so I can feed some stale bread to the ducks. And then come home and have a long hot shower, wash my hair and drink some champagne..

You guessed it: ALONE 🙂

Inappropriate touching

I know I said I’d update you on the 17yr old on / off “romance”, some time back, but this isn’t that post. I know I said I was being confused by “that guy” well.. that hasn’t changed, he’s still around .. but this isn’t really about him. And I know I said I had met a new man and it was kinda cool. You guessed it: This isn’t about that either.

WTF is this about, I hear you ask?

It’s about touching base! (Hence the somewhat random subject line) 😉

It’s about asking how you all are doing!?

It’s about saying hi. And that’s pretty much it, actually.

My bad habit of reading blogs but not commenting or updating mine continues, my bad habit of working 12+ hour days and travelling / never being around continues. But I still read your blogs and do wish I had more time to say hi now and then.

So yeah, anyways — how the heck are you and what’s going on in your world?
I would love to hear from ya  🙂

Oh heck cos I’m feeling adventurous, here’s a poll (hopefully I get it to work right) I love how you guys do these.

It’s raining men (Hallelujah?)

I’ve neglected you lately. I’m sorry, and I know I’ve already apologised but I wanna do it again so shut up and let me! Life, for all it’s been massively different since taking some time out has been kinda cool too.  A lot of time has been spent thinking, relaxing, being happy and laughing. Yes that sounds odd but I like laughing so doing it often has been rather fabulous.

As well as taking some me time, I’ve (re)connected with family and friends and made some new ones along the way. Not all good (lol) but the way I always try to look at it? It’s an experience and ya know? A lot of people never get them, (experiences, I mean) so who am I to complain!

Life is never simple though.

Right now, thanks to a lovely blogger friend of mine I am in the messy but fun situation of having 3 men fight for my attention. And travelling a lot for work, allowing for all sorts of opportunities and experiences.

I know. Oh poor me (shaddup) lol

To stay on topic – not only do I have an old flame from 17 years ago chasing me (long story, maybe one day, cos it is a lovely story) I also have this guy back on the scene but I think he’s either fucking with me or being cautious. OK I don’t really think he’s fucking with me on purpose but that isn’t the point.

And there’s a new adorable man also trying to get my attention. And it’s cool.

And I’ve decided that’s the deal. It’s cool. How can I complain about having men wanting me? How can I complain about being torn between him, him or him?

Oh yeah. Cos it’s confusing! grrr lol Oh to have my problems, I know.

Whatever, I really just wanted to say I’m alive / here, busy, having fun and confused as always. Nice to know somethings never change, right? 😉

Being, happily

I promised myself I wouldn’t write another post til I’d replied to a few of the comments (cos I love my comments and my “commenters”!) on my last couple of posts but I am in danger of having people think I’ve dropped off the planet so thought a quick update was in order before a busy weekend!*

Taking the advice from one reader who said “kick that idiot over in Europe to the curb” I have managed to push him out of my mind for the most part (approx. 98% there, lol .. he still manages to creep into my thoughts now and then) and I have been happily doing my own thing.

Healing, I called it today when talking to a friend. That sounds ever so slightly melodramatic but it’s been an awful couple of years with a bunch of stuff going on for me (not solely related to my love life) and this self-imposed exile has been extremely helpful.

It’s been a time for me to clear my mind. To assess what was really important to me .. and what was not so important. Interesting times indeed! And, as I say – very helpful..

As well, I’ve been slowly getting to know a man I met online the week I moved here. I’d not mentioned him and for no particular reason, I think it’s probably because he was just normal / fine so it was more entertaining pondering WTF the deal was with the pumpan’dump guy than saying I’d had a wine with a nice guy 😉

I hadn’t put any “label” on what we were doing until my best friend said to me “So you’re a couple now?” after a lovely dinner and drinks date on Friday evening. She was being sarcastic because in giving her the “bff to bff account of the evening” I’d said we didn’t have sex (SHE asked, we have no boundaries this friend and I LOL) but it did make me think “gosh, are we a couple?”

My thinking is I don’t actually want (nor need) to label it. I just am going to enjoy it and see what happens. Maybe having a certain lack of expectation is helpful to relationship longevity or maybe I’m just too tired of being hopeful and being let down, whichever it is, I am at peace with this no-label deal and enjoying spending time once or twice a week with this man.

And that in itself is kinda cool.

Also cool is the fact I’ve rediscovered the joy of music and I’ve also gotten into gardening. Yes, often at the same time! I have an amazing (ancient but awesome!) stereo but my ex didn’t like music (noise, he called it) so when I got here I had it set up so I have speakers all through my house including 2 that pipe the ‘noise’ outside. Which works well with my new found gardening habit.

I never knew it could be so satisfying!

I don’t like the dirty fingernails thing but love the result of my labours and each day I go out to my winter vege patch and eye up the very stressed out plants (as I imagine them covered in cheese sauce or gravy alongside my fave meals!) and delight in the whole vege patch thing I have going on.

Not quite taking time to smell the roses but along the same lines I’d guess.

Anyway, I do hope everyone out there is well. I often think of you guys and do try to read for all I don’t often comment but I WILL catch up some time (You’ve been warned!) Meantime I really must go and think about some more weeding. The down-side to gardening!

*Hah didn’t get this finished before he came over on Friday, it’s now Sunday afternoon and I’m trying to finish this in between other critical things I keep promising myself I will do – such as gardening and sitting in the sunshine 😉

And just cos it made me giggle:

Online dating – A bit of a rant

I think I mentioned some time back I’d joined a dating website. Ever since then my life has been enriched in so many ways that I felt it was time to share some of it with you.

Why just this morning I was sent an invitation to share my wardrobe with a man aged 52. To spank a man aged 32. And to watch DVDs (after a walk on the beach in the sunset, to be fair) with a man of 60+.

I can’t bring myself to tell you what the boy of 22 wanted me to do to / with him. For all it coulda been fun *grins*

Below are a few excerpts from my inbox:

Hi, I’m a guy who enjoys being teased and disciplined by women. It would be great to chat with, maybe meet a woman who would enjoy having some fun along these lines – spanking me would be a good start. I realise that this is a most unusual request so I apologise in advance if you’re offended by this. What do you think so far? Hope to hear from you soon. From: Naughty boy A 32 year old Male seeking Friendships

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Now to clarify – my profile is as vanilla as can be. I re-read it today to be sure. NOWHERE do I say I’d be even remotely curious about some man getting his jollies while I spank him. GEEEEEEEZ!

For all I was delighted with his grammar, I just sent him something along the lines of “really???!!?” and then blocked his unspanked ass.

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The most offensive (call me a prude but it really did irritate me) was the fact that this man even VIEWED my profile. I should be grateful he had the brains (?) not to message me:

“York Hunt 45yr old man seeking serious relationships” .. It was only when I said his name out loud that I just kinda snorted but not in a good way. Jerk. And he’s after a serious relationship with anything more than his hand or something totally vile??

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This next one made me laugh. Albeit more a derisive snort than a humourous “how funny” kinda laugh.

Professional intelligent guy looking to communicate with intelligent lady. I Enjoy wine, music, DVD’s, no pressure etc. Pretty easy to get on with.

That was his tag line. It wasn’t too bad, I thought!?

He reiterates in the “what he’s looking for” section:

Lady who is easy to communicate with, fun, likes to laugh , sense of humour.

A FRIENDLY HELLO, HOPE YOUR DAY HAS BEEN FAVOURABLE… <– his first msg to me.

SO far so good!  Hell he even spelt favourable right, (for this side of the planet) presuming we ignore the caps lock!

And so I reply:

 “hey! My day wasn’t too shabby thanks, how was yours?”

GOOD. I’m Horny tho. Can you help?

I sent him a link to a porn site.
Not heard from him since.
Guess I helped? 😉

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My all time fave was this one, I’ve copied and pasted his entire profile to give additional context:

Newbie seeking to dressup…

Please send a message so we can chat… Im quite ‘normal’ actually…

The important characteristics I’m looking for:
Someone who can cope with a crossdresser… one behind closed doors anyway…

So, in his message to me he suggested we were the same sized clothes and asked if I’d like to chat.

I quizzed him on his breast size. As well, I may have mentioned my only child status and a dislike of sharing. He never replied.
These men have NO staying power, I swear! 😉

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And last but not least, for today anyway this delightful profile made me want to stab myself in the eyes to get away from it:

i njoy dining out lov to travel nce cars out for nce meals

WHERE ARE THE VOWELS?
*stabs eyes*

That was his FIRST email to me followed a few minutes later by a reminder “WELL?”

My reply?
 “Read my damn profile” <– Angry drunk 😉

Oh god he replied.

“I hv”

Being polite (for reasons that elude me!) I sent a “Goodnight”

A G A I N he REPLIES?!

“U to.”

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Now for additional insight into my somewhat (from the above exchange, anyway!) uptight personality, here is my profile:

Looking for friends? (My heading)

I’m passionate, intelligent, energetic and told I’m fun to be around. Reasonably easy-going, I suspect ‘laid back’ could be a bit of a stretch – I’m just not into dramas, life really is too short for that. Some random info about me:  I have an aversion to stupid and / or mean people. I’ve never eaten oysters. I love fast cars & French champagne, both of which you’ll be pleased to know I can afford without you.

Oh and I absolutely loathe shoe shopping.

There’s 2 sections to each profile so I can add what I seek, as well as what I offer and I have the following:

My wish list would include a man who’s tall and around my age. Healthy + intelligent.. Oh and you MUST have a sense of humour!  At the end of the day we each have our own personal preferences so have a read and see if there’s anything here you think we can work with.

PS: Can we please communicate in ‘real’ words? My brain hrts readng txt spk!

Aint life grand .. Or at the least? It sure as heck isn’t ever boring lol

Europe, Porn and Sexy lingerie

So yeah, apparently I’ve been a bit quiet (for me! LOL) Well it’s been kinda .. hectic .. in my world. In the last few weeks I have:

Moved towns, travelled 11801 miles to end a relationship*, been on a date with what seemed like the perfect man only to have to ask him to leave long before HE thought it was over and did I mention I quit my job after a scrap with a very high ranking govt official?

Mmm. Been a funny ol’ time for LITFL!

But let’s start with the *Paris trip. Going back a little bit now, we had the “break up because of the distance thing” followed by quite a few phone calls, texts and emails – more than one would expect from a guy who’s saying “this isn’t going to work” as he jets off overseas.

I became confused and thought maybe there was a chance it’d work but needed to know more. And so, on a total (and very expensive, ffs!) whim – flew to Paris to surprise / confront his nibs.

It went fabulously ’til the last day I was there and then it all came crashing down. The distance thing .. the lack of intimacy .. the lack of closeness .. it’s just insurmountable, it seems.

I flew home to a total shitstorm in my work situation (albeit not a total surprise) but on being smacked around a time or two too many, I had already told all the wrong people to shove it pre Europe and so I walked.

And when I say walked? I upped and left town!

I know. I don’t do things by halves lol

And so we have me now living in a different city, single. Alone, save for my 2 cats.
And kinda OK ..

I really like the above pic because there are – honest to god – days when I say to anyone “I’m cool” when I’m anything but. Not sure I’d cope with the wrong people saying “no you’re not, here’s a hug” but I like the concept for all that.

Now I KNOW I will be ok, long term. After all, I don’t have an incurable disease, a kidnapped child or anything that is really serious. I have an inability to find the right man. White woman problem. I get it.

But hey this is my blog and I’m giving an update of what’s going on and how I feel about it. Don’t like it? Don’t approve? Think I’m being a wanker? Fuck off. Oops I mean, cheers .. but please, leave me to sort myself out without your judgement, I just don’t need it.

Oh and the title of this blog? Well duh I packed lingerie, I bought video porn (albeit unintentional for all the haughty Frenchman at reception didn’t believe me) and .. well I went to Europe!

Yes, I know .. I left out the awful date, that’s a-whole nother entry in the making lol

Commitment, issues & exciting news

I recently started reading the book “He’s scared / She’s scared” .. but I stopped after realising that it perhaps would be more appropriate for me to read “She’s scarred / He’s scared” .. so yeah turns out I have commitment issues with finishing books – Good to know.  😉

Mr New continues to be quite lovely – in spite of my many foibles. He’s back from Europe and for all his supposed preferences (freedom, lack of drama and other non-emotive stuff), he seemed rather pleased to know that I had missed him.

Yes, I told him. Sue me.. I can’t not be who I am, say how I feel. A) I couldn’t maintain it if I tried and B) Well heck, he’d find out eventually anyway.. That said, I am still trying to be mindful / aware of how I act, based on my past relationships (and failures!) so as not to scare him … yet – lol!

So anyway, that’s not really the point of this post. The point is I had an epiphany last night that I wanted to share with you all!

I think I’ve worked out how to ensure that relationships succeed and it’s SO simple I can’t believe no one has cracked it before!?

Each party just needs to put in a very large non-refundable cash deposit! Like I said, elegantly simple..

After all, it’s the investment that everyone understands .. for all we need and want different things from relationships, have differing love languages plus issues – the fact that we’ve invested a large sum of non-refundable (that’s important!) cold hard cash into the deal is pretty much guaranteed to keep most people wanting to make it work..

I know. I’m so clever ..

Alright, I’m kidding .. mostly 😉

You may be interested in the reason I meandered down this line of thought .. Cos it is kinda cool, I think.

You see on his return from Europe, Mr New suggested that he and I go on a holiday later in the year! Now on more than one occasion, when talking, he makes statements that indicate he sees himself around for awhile. But the idea of an overseas holiday is a biggie to me!

Not the least because the holiday we then opted for needs a large deposit paid in the next few weeks..

And it’s then that it dawned on me (brick / head =  dumb-arse, I know) and I am somewhat ashamed to admit it – but I realised once he paid that deposit on the holiday, I would relax and just start 100% enjoying this relationship instead of fretting about things (that really don’t need to be fretted about!)

So, interesting developments .. Well, for me anyway 😉 And in the midst of all this, I now have a holiday to daydream about and plan! Yeah!

Trust. I’ve been doing that wrong too!

One of the “issues” I lug around is probably due to the fact that I’ve been let down by men I thought I could trust.. and I realised this weekend just how much it affects my thinking ..And any relationship I enter into..

Trust is such a fragile thing and I don’t trust easily, that is fair to say. I think, maybe in the past I did. But as I’ve gotten older (and been bitten) I’ve learned to be a bit more circumspect in my approach.

All this means is that I may trust a little .. or even quite a bit .. because at the end of the day I want to .. Bu-uut in the back of my mind there’s always that lil voice that reminds me of how shit it was the last time I trusted someone (and got crapped on from a great height!) and to be a bit cautious.

And – if my mind is in the wrong place – this can cause me a lot of angst! Aint issues grand! 😉

But in saying this, I guess there must come a time when one has to “man up” and decide if in fact those issues we’re clinging to – for whatever reasons, are worth hanging on to.

Although I have to say, I dunno that I consciously hold onto issues, they’re just kinda there. Like I’ve tossed a bit of rubbish in the backseat of my car .. I may not be able to see it but it’s there nonetheless.

So it’s really only at times of introspection that I stop and assess logically (open the back door of the car and go “OMG, WHAT A MESS!”) what it is that I am thinking, what I am feeling and then try to probe the why ..

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday which is what has provoked these thoughts.

All because Mr New dared to not be in “appropriate” (Which by my definition, as you will know is “LOTS .. AND NOW DAMNIT”) communication with me whilst he is working over in Europe. Yeah, I know .. Even reading that sentence I grimace at how badly it reads.

Ah shaddup, this is the reality of me and my past / baggage surfacing 😉

Really, we’d been in reasonable contact over the weekend, considering the time zones so I can’t really complain. Oh by the way – this is rational LITFL typing. But yesterday, my irrational and very vocal evil twin was busy telling me that I’d NOT heard anywhere near enough from him and that I wasn’t being treated properly AT all. And she’s verrrry convincing, damn her.

Remembering Mr New’s preferences (Not clingy, not hellishly emotional, No drama) I was very good. Instead of picking up the phone and stalking his ass calling him for no reason at all, I sent a couple of nice texts and then proceeded to get horribly drunk with a couple of girlfriends.

Note: This system of relationship management only works if you relinquish your laptop, cell phone and any form of communication device, just so you know. Cos after a few rounds you may well think it’s a brilliant idea to call him up and yeah well, that call never goes so good, in my xp 😉

As seems to be the case with Mr New, he did just the right thing tho. He called me before going to the office. Yes, Sunday – what can I say, he’s a workaholic. I am too, so we’re a good match!

I had just hauled my woefully drunken arse into bed when the phone rang. Trying to sound moderately sober, I engaged in what I hope was witty and intelligent conversation for an hour or so before being told to get to sleep ..

And as he hung up he said “I’ll talk to you in a few hours k” and that was when, even thru the liquid-faction that had taken place in my brain, it dawned on me.

I think I can trust this one.

Or at the least? I’m gonna have to friggen learn how to and soon, because he travels a lot and I can’t keep drinking this way or my liver will give up the ghost and he’ll probably dump me for being a total booze-hag!

So people, wish me luck please. I am gonna have a hack at letting this one thru’ the defences a little further than I have the last couple of men who’ve been brave (or silly) enough to want to spend time with me.

I’m an equal mix of excited and terrified .. But hey – bring it on 😉

Love. I’ve been doing it wrong!

My love language is Quality time. What this means is that I’m the chick you see clinging to a man’s leg as he heads off to work. The one spotted waiting at the mailbox eagerly for him to return home. And of course, in between those two activities, I am emailing, texting and calling him to see how his day is going or at the least I am pining and thinking about him. I just can’t get enough of him, and am generally a complete pain in the arse ..

That’d be me on top trying to stop him from going anywhere without me .. 😉 

Seriously tho, I have to say that knowing what my love language is hasn’t overly helped me .. It’s just now I have a name for it. I mean heck, any of you regular readers know by now that I am high maintenance. And I already knew that I enjoyed and / or required a lot of time with my love interest.

I suppose the best thing about it having a name is that I can tell said love interest .. And blame the book instead of me! 😉

Mr New called last night. He’s in Europe .. Buying me expensive presents .. (So he told me anyway) Which is kinda funny cos that is one of the languages of love and the one that rated lowest in my scoring. I could give 2 hoots about getting gifts, I want his time and attention.

It seemed the perfect time to introduce him to the concept, so I briefly took him thru’ the languages and asked him which one he thought was his. He instantly said “Physical touch”. Typical male, was my first thought but to be fair – we’ve all met that man for whom this isn’t their language and so I bit my tongue and we carried on talking about this whole love lingo topic.

I think it was good for him to hear me explain my need for time and input and I was very good: I said lots of positive things about how amazingly well he was doing on satisfying my need to cling. for quality time.

Cos he so is! I mean heck – it was 6am in the morning, he was jet-lagged and letting me blather on about some nonsense I’d read in a self-help book when really I am willing to bet he would have preferred to be carving his eyes out with a blunt razor sleeping 😉

After I had taken my quality time and Mr New had gone off to bed, I sat thinking a little about the whole love language thing and it dawned on me! I worked out one of the reasons why I have a string of failed relationships .. In particular, the reason why I tend to smother (and freak them out!) and cosset a man, in the early days of a relationship.

It’s all because of my $#@! love language! Think about it..

I need, enjoy, require – call it what you will – having time and effort invested in me, in order to feel content or secure in a relationship. My love language goes something like this:

“Nothing says, ‘I love you,’ like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.”

And without really knowing it, I have applied the same language to any man in my life. Because *I* need and value it, I figure they will too. When in fact their love language may well be anything but the need for time and attention to be lavished upon them..

Not sure how this new found awareness will help me, but I guess if I apply it to my relationship with Mr New .. Knowing about his need for touch as well as his desire for freedom and excitement with a non-clingy mate – then at the very least it will prevent me from overwhelming him with stuff that *I* think he wants, but that he could give 2 hoots about.

Sheesh@ hard work .. Tell me again, why do we keep at this relationship bizzo? 😉

SURPRISE!

OMG, Mr New came home a day earlier than he told me and surprised me just now with a beautiful bunch of white lilies (He listens! I vaguely recall once mentioning to him that they were my fave flowers) and a text message timed as the delivery was being made, to say: “I’m back, did ya miss me?”

Wanna know what really annoys me about this?

The thrill that I felt when I opened the card and saw who they were from. That stupid-assed grin that hasn’t yet been wiped off my face. That slightly giddy sense of wonder.. that he actually did something this lovely for me. 

And the fact that I acted like a complete wanker while he was away, in that I actually wasted energy worrying that I’d never see or hear from him again.
*sigh*

I was feeling very anxious this morning, no denying it. The fact is I knew he’d be out of contact because he told me so. But that didn’t stop me from being a dick and worrying. Aint baggage grand .. !

Ah well, at least I was able to internalise (or blogalise, as the case was) my stupidity instead of laying it on him or I am willing to bet I’d have received something quite different to flowers on his return .. 😉

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