Visited a psychic today. Cow clearly was bonafide: She told me I will be single for a long time cos I scare men. Okay her exact words: I am too independent and don’t need a man.
Hmm, how am I doing with this whole romance bizzo, Edward? *sigh* I’m sorry, I really want to want him but I don’t want to need him.. Is that so wrong?
Google search the word “alone” and you’re returned approx. 5174810 pages. Of pictures in sepia or black and white, of all sorts of things: Sad faced puppies. Children. People. Skulls. Kittens. In puddles. On the edge of a pier. In the rain. With tatty teddy bears. Sad prose. Broken roses.. If one wasn’t depressed when they 1st Googled the damn word they would fast get there!
Wandering along a deserted (it was 5am) beach this morning, I was hit by the realisation that I was thoroughly enjoying being alone. This of course got me to thinking and I started to dissect the word alone.
ALONE. Say it with me: ALONE. Say it out loud: ALONE. It just sounds so negative.
Sure, there are times when the word isn’t all bad. For example: “She couldn’t have done it alone” but even THAT is effectively saying if you ARE alone you’re weak, incapable, incomplete.. Alone, poor you.
To be fair, I tend to go on about alone. Banging on about how I wish I was one half of some sort of decent relationship. If we did a tally up, probably every second entry on my blog says this 😉 So today’s realisation that I was alone, (happily) came as a bit of a shock.
Sometimes I do wonder if people who say “I’m OK alone” are just saying it in the hopes they will one day BE ok but I suppose that is what made today’s realisation so much more of a shock. I did mean it. I felt completely okay with it.
So, as I’ve gone through my Sunday. Alone. I’ve pondered this notion of alone and OK.
I walked the beach. Alone. It was peaceful, soothing and enjoyable. I came home and ate brunch. Alone. Cooked. Alone. By me. Alone. In my home. Alone. It was delicious. Alone. Hmm, I didn’t wash the dishes. I need a house keeper, not a mate? 😉
I went visiting some friends. Alone. They didn’t seem too put out by me being alone. And after an enjoyable visit, I drove home. Alone. Stopping at the shops to buy some champagne. To drink.
A little while ago I was on the couch, watching telly. Feet up. Button of my jeans undone (very Al Bundy-esque) bare foot, singlet top. Urban sprawl personified. Alone, of course.
And I actually grinned to myself as I realised how much I was so totally okay with this being alone thing.
It felt good, that realisation.
Not to say that in a few months (or whatever) I wont think “I don’t wanna be alone” but being happily something when you kind of can’t change it: quite liberating I must say.
Now if you will excuse me, I am off to play music. Loud music. And fold laundry. And do dishes. And maybe go for a walk to the park so I can feed some stale bread to the ducks. And then come home and have a long hot shower, wash my hair and drink some champagne..
You guessed it: ALONE 🙂
The whole idea behind a pity party is to be miserable and make everyone around you miserable. Least that’s what my research tells me. Since it’s Spring here and there’s delicious little lambs a-frolicking, daffodils and freesias everywhere one looks and sunshine — endless sunshine (as I type this it’s 5.20pm and I’m sitting in blazing sunshine!) I confess, it’s proving to be hard to feel too pitiful. Update: it’s now 8am Saturday morning and the sun is shining (again!) and once more: it’s all good.
However, I was invited to have one and by heck I am going to give it my best shot! Below is a list of stuff that makes me go wah or irks me and feeds into my feeling pitiful now and then:
1. It disturbs me that the most read post on my blog is “fuck buddy wanted” – ya’ll are sick sick people!
2. It pisses me off that I have cold feet right now. If someone would please come gently place my slippers on my cold tootsies, I’d be appreciative .. really I would! <– haha wrote that last night and it stands this morning, I really am a lazy cow
3. I dislike the fact that every time I open a bottle of wine or champagne, it damn well drains itself dry — what IS that about?
4. I am exceptionally vexed by the fact that I seem to have picked up man-flu recently. Holy crap how you boys survive this: totally beyond me. I want to die. Or be nursed back to good health. By a hot nurse. No wait, I’m hot (friggen feverish, no less) whatevs, I just hate being sick and that really could be the theme of my own very pathetic pity party.
5. A good friend of mine died this week after what can only be called an arduous battle with cancer. If I could. I’d eradicate that cell splitting pile of shit from the universe, forthwith.
6. My eye balls ache. I am unsure if this is from the champagne and drug cocktail I had last night (medicinal!!) or from the man-flu? But it isn’t nice.
7. I sound like a man. Talking to a friend of mine yesterday and he honest to god fell about laughing when I answered the phone, then advised me I sounded like his chain smoking 87yr old Grand-dad. Jerk. I need better friends.
8. My taste buds are on strike. I didn’t even enjoy my morning 3 shot espresso and as anyone who knows me knows: This is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning *grumps*
Oh and if anyone knows how I can make and then post a sound file of myself for your amusement, post a comment with the site and instructions and I’ll give it a whirl when I return from my shopping expedition. I need more drugs to keep these man flu germs at bay .. back in a bit.
PS some random blogs I read and enjoy include (but are definitely not limited to) many, such as I’ve linked to here. Click on any of the words hyperlinked / underlined and check them out. Some will be attending the Pity party, others won’t — but all are very much worth a read and often drag me from my pity party place, when I dive into their worlds for a read 🙂
I mentioned I had met a man some months back. Not just any man, this one was quite special. That very heady blend of sexy, intelligent and funny. I think I’ve said before, I can handle not having the sexy bit, cos I find a combination of brains and humour in a man dead sexy. So the package of gorgeous, brains and humour was quite special. Oh how he could make me laugh. Even his texts were a constant source of giggles and delight. Whenever we were together, time flew by – it really was just so.. good.
Except for, oh yeah: his wife. Not so good..
When we met he and the wife were ‘taking a break’. Now I never really got the whole “take a break” thing. Break UP: yes. Break DOWN, sure. Taking a break from a relationship just seems .. weird, to me.
He had been honest about the status of their relationship when we met and I didn’t think anything more of it. Hell at my age every 2nd man is divorced lol
He told me she’d suggested the break, so she could explore her options.. He said he figured she was over the marriage thing so left without too much of a fight, except for access to their 3 children. I actually could understand that, as there really is nothing enjoyable about trying to re-invigorate a relationship that’s passed its use by date.
Fast fwd a few months & she’s back on the scene, crying saying it was all a big mistake and can she have a second chance, the kids miss you and blah bla wah wah blah.
He did what most men would do, I suspect: He went back and is trying to make it work. Damn him 😉
One does have to wonder at the gods some times *sigh* So, lesson learned? I’m not yet sure I’ve found one.. wish me luck please, cos right now I just feel bitter .. and a tad jaded.
I know I said I’d update you on the 17yr old on / off “romance”, some time back, but this isn’t that post. I know I said I was being confused by “that guy” well.. that hasn’t changed, he’s still around .. but this isn’t really about him. And I know I said I had met a new man and it was kinda cool. You guessed it: This isn’t about that either.
WTF is this about, I hear you ask?
It’s about touching base! (Hence the somewhat random subject line) 😉
It’s about asking how you all are doing!?
It’s about saying hi. And that’s pretty much it, actually.
My bad habit of reading blogs but not commenting or updating mine continues, my bad habit of working 12+ hour days and travelling / never being around continues. But I still read your blogs and do wish I had more time to say hi now and then.
So yeah, anyways — how the heck are you and what’s going on in your world?
I would love to hear from ya 🙂
For all I don’t know how to have a successful long term relationship, I do know the person that I am. If I can say it without sounding vain – I even kinda like me and over the years have grown to realise that despite many short-comings – there’s a lot about me that is kinda OK. I know what makes me tick and the strengths and weaknesses that form the package deal of me.
Which I think is different to: “I’m a complete fuck up and I don’t understand why I can’t land a man” or “I have Daddy issues and wish the men in my life treated me better” – or .. Whatever ..
I suspect that sometimes people must read my blog, read the questions that I find myself asking .. As well as the “internal thought processing” I engage in and they must think I am a complete and utter loser.
Depending on your slant .. Your life experiences .. Your beliefs (etc) you’ll either think I’m a hard-assed bitch with no chance of finding herself a man. Or you’ll think I’m a hapless soul stumbling from drama to drama, and if I land a man it’ll be by pure luck 😉
So to the charming gentleman *snort* who took the time to email me and suggest I get over myself (plus a bunch of other inspirational statements) I say get lost. Oops I mean “thanks” but I’m happy muddling along as I am. So do us a favour – take your arsehole comments and go harass someone else k
On a plus note it got me mad enough to check in and update my blog *grins* Hi to everyone, I hope you’re all well out there in WP land – I miss you all but omg I’m busy working some crazy hours all over the world and it’s really leaving me no time to even catch my breath!
But I miss you all and hope you’re all fabulous x
I’ve neglected you lately. I’m sorry, and I know I’ve already apologised but I wanna do it again so shut up and let me! Life, for all it’s been massively different since taking some time out has been kinda cool too. A lot of time has been spent thinking, relaxing, being happy and laughing. Yes that sounds odd but I like laughing so doing it often has been rather fabulous.
As well as taking some me time, I’ve (re)connected with family and friends and made some new ones along the way. Not all good (lol) but the way I always try to look at it? It’s an experience and ya know? A lot of people never get them, (experiences, I mean) so who am I to complain!
Life is never simple though.
Right now, thanks to a lovely blogger friend of mine I am in the messy but fun situation of having 3 men fight for my attention. And travelling a lot for work, allowing for all sorts of opportunities and experiences.
I know. Oh poor me (shaddup) lol
To stay on topic – not only do I have an old flame from 17 years ago chasing me (long story, maybe one day, cos it is a lovely story) I also have this guy back on the scene but I think he’s either fucking with me or being cautious. OK I don’t really think he’s fucking with me on purpose but that isn’t the point.
And there’s a new adorable man also trying to get my attention. And it’s cool.
And I’ve decided that’s the deal. It’s cool. How can I complain about having men wanting me? How can I complain about being torn between him, him or him?
Oh yeah. Cos it’s confusing! grrr lol Oh to have my problems, I know.
Whatever, I really just wanted to say I’m alive / here, busy, having fun and confused as always. Nice to know somethings never change, right? 😉
Cos I can *grins* I just wanted to send a post to everyone who reads my blog – be it via subscription or randomly. I thank you..Yep, It’s that simple.
When I 1st started this blog I SO didn’t expect anyone to read my dribblings. For those of you that do? Here is a big and heartfelt thank you. I love seeing that someone out there reads what I write, I really do.
Not the least cos half of it is complete tripe, as I bang on about my 1st world “he doesn’t love me” crap.
So yeah, that’s all. I just kinda wanted to say hey and acknowledge everyone and say “I think you’re fabulous” – thank you. x
But I really do enjoy spending time with you and hope we can continue to do this?
That is the line uttered to me just now. Or 2 hours ago, I should say. I’ve spent the last wee while staring at the wall (and drinking gin — lots) whilst trying to work out why the universe thinks it’s so funny to fuck with me this way (I’m actually laughing as I type that bit but in a teeth-gritted sorta way!) 😉
Yeah so Mr nice guy – who is really nice – is in love with a woman who isn’t in love with him. Yes. I asked. It’s like tooth ache – I had to go there! From my asking, an hour long discussion ensued. About the woman of his dreams. (ie not ME!) but instead about a woman he’s madly in love with ..
A woman who does not share those feelings. Yet.
So he’s trying to move on. His words..
If moving on means dating someone else, he’d be right – we’d all agree, yes? And hey, honesty IS the best policy, everyone knows this! But uh yeah he’s IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
Let’s not lose sight of those words. Cos HONESTLY, talking to him and watching his face as he talked. He aint moving on. He’s just trying to.
But he’s in love.. Poor man.
Ah well. Back to the drawing board we go lol
This is in part inspired by Edward Hotspur, a blogger I always enjoy. Reading or whatever 😉
I think reposting old content is really sensible, it may bring “new” readers up to speed or attract new readers. We won’t dwell on how it may bore “long term” readers to tears. Let’s hope they can cope *grins*
Not sure I am doing this right tho but here –> when is it right? is a link to a blog post I made almost a year ago. About when the time is right to end a long term relationship.. Something I was in the throes of doing!
I promised myself I wouldn’t write another post til I’d replied to a few of the comments (cos I love my comments and my “commenters”!) on my last couple of posts but I am in danger of having people think I’ve dropped off the planet so thought a quick update was in order before a busy weekend!*
Taking the advice from one reader who said “kick that idiot over in Europe to the curb” I have managed to push him out of my mind for the most part (approx. 98% there, lol .. he still manages to creep into my thoughts now and then) and I have been happily doing my own thing.
Healing, I called it today when talking to a friend. That sounds ever so slightly melodramatic but it’s been an awful couple of years with a bunch of stuff going on for me (not solely related to my love life) and this self-imposed exile has been extremely helpful.
It’s been a time for me to clear my mind. To assess what was really important to me .. and what was not so important. Interesting times indeed! And, as I say – very helpful..
As well, I’ve been slowly getting to know a man I met online the week I moved here. I’d not mentioned him and for no particular reason, I think it’s probably because he was just normal / fine so it was more entertaining pondering WTF the deal was with the pumpan’dump guy than saying I’d had a wine with a nice guy 😉
I hadn’t put any “label” on what we were doing until my best friend said to me “So you’re a couple now?” after a lovely dinner and drinks date on Friday evening. She was being sarcastic because in giving her the “bff to bff account of the evening” I’d said we didn’t have sex (SHE asked, we have no boundaries this friend and I LOL) but it did make me think “gosh, are we a couple?”
My thinking is I don’t actually want (nor need) to label it. I just am going to enjoy it and see what happens. Maybe having a certain lack of expectation is helpful to relationship longevity or maybe I’m just too tired of being hopeful and being let down, whichever it is, I am at peace with this no-label deal and enjoying spending time once or twice a week with this man.
And that in itself is kinda cool.
Also cool is the fact I’ve rediscovered the joy of music and I’ve also gotten into gardening. Yes, often at the same time! I have an amazing (ancient but awesome!) stereo but my ex didn’t like music (noise, he called it) so when I got here I had it set up so I have speakers all through my house including 2 that pipe the ‘noise’ outside. Which works well with my new found gardening habit.
I never knew it could be so satisfying!
I don’t like the dirty fingernails thing but love the result of my labours and each day I go out to my winter vege patch and eye up the very stressed out plants (as I imagine them covered in cheese sauce or gravy alongside my fave meals!) and delight in the whole vege patch thing I have going on.
Not quite taking time to smell the roses but along the same lines I’d guess.
Anyway, I do hope everyone out there is well. I often think of you guys and do try to read for all I don’t often comment but I WILL catch up some time (You’ve been warned!) Meantime I really must go and think about some more weeding. The down-side to gardening!
*Hah didn’t get this finished before he came over on Friday, it’s now Sunday afternoon and I’m trying to finish this in between other critical things I keep promising myself I will do – such as gardening and sitting in the sunshine 😉
And just cos it made me giggle:
When I think “Edward Hotspur“, my mind immediately conjures up a raft of adjectives. Prolific writer (and due to his awesome readers, his comments are almost as good a read as his blog .. Of course, one could possibly .. just maaaybe blame this lady in some ways ..;) ) Other adjectives include satirical, iconic. Laconic. A bit of a twit with a weird fetish about unicorns (that pee rainbows, preferably).
I first “met” Edward Hotspur when he commented on my blog back in September last year.
I’ve stalked him ever since 😉
In preparation for this post, I googled him this morning and then trawled thru to page 12 before getting bored with trying to find just ONE page without a reference to him. (Short attention span, I blame the drugs) one thing did leap out at me when I was doing the search tho, and I thought it was quite apt:
“Nefarious Wit And Devastating Charm: Edward Hotspur” – No idea if he tweeted it about himself or where it came from but I liked it!
Anyway, all I can say is – Happy Flash mob day, EH! And to everyone else? You’d be a mug not to read him!
I’ve been an awful blogger lately and I’m sorry. I read a lot of blogs [but don’t comment because I find it tedious to do so on my phone] I read everyone’s comments on my blog [again on my phone but can’t bear to reply because it’s just too painful] .. Every now and then I get in front of a real computer, only to spit out a rant and then vanish back inside myself.
Refer earlier “worst ever blogger” award statement.
Because I KNOW this isn’t a good way to be. I know if I commented on a blog and was largely ignored I’d probably give up, thinking the blogger was a total asshole. And I don’t want you to think I am a total asshole .. Or even an incomplete one 😦
But honest to god, I don’t know where to go right now or what to do. I am so confused. I’m so stressed out. So unhappy and yet sort of OK all at once. Refer earlier “confused!” comment..
After my trek to the other side of the planet, I came back semi-sorted mentally, thinking I knew where I needed to be. Mentally, I honest to god, tried to move on. And I moved on physically, to assist in the transition.
But he won’t go away. He’s kept in touch. However it’s not actually a good thing, a bunch of stuff is going down – almost all of which just serves to confuse me right now.
So yeah, I’m pissed off, upset, angry, hurt and confused. Awesome combo eh? 😦
But enough of this, really I just wanted to say hey .. and sorry .. for being an asshole. For being AWOLand awful. I miss the chit chat I used to enjoy on assorted blogs. I miss having fun on WP.
And I appreciate the fact that you’re sticking it out and putting up with me while I’m in this total state of limbo. So here’s an award for you!
Thanks for not giving up on me!
Well, I got dumped anyway .. At least I am consistent .. Consistently shit *sigh* So yeah as previously posted, date night was a success, albeit short lived! All indications were that he was happy with the date. I mean heck, he even left 2 personal items behind which, as we all know: is the perfect excuse for a return meeting.
Next day I heard from him once. We’d gone from texting every few minutes to once. Mm. But hey people get busy so I didn’t fret. Next day, no texts til I finally sent one saying “uh did I do something to offend you ..?” The reply was prompt: “Nope, just got a headache and busy with work.”
Fair enough.. People get busy and get headaches.
But after getting that I didn’t send any more texts because, well – what’s the point if they’re being ignored, right? If I am honest, I was a bit pissed off and surprised so not texting seemed sensible in case I said something I may later regret! Be it a needy text or a pissy one, neither appealed to me!
Next day I get a “Good morning” text. I replied but received no response til later that evening when I had sent a 2nd text.
By this stage I was more than a little pissy so I ignored it and went to bed early. Least I’m all caught up on sleep, not for me the “can’t sleep” deal. When I am upset, angry or stressed I sleep like a baby, thank goodness – the amount of crappy dates I get I’d look like total hell if it was the other way around! 😉
It all came to a head last night when I sent a text asking when he was coming by to get his stuff. If I am honest I don’t know quite how it went the way it did but basically he said he got the feeling I wasn’t interested (Uh, YOU stopped texting me, buddy!?) I argued this point but that was his out, I think. And far be it for me to force someone to want to be with me!
So, here we are 6 days later and his “left behind” items are in my mailbox waiting for him to pick up and I don’t expect to hear from him again.
Like I said, least I am consistent huh ..
I may be nursing the mildest of hangovers as I type this – rather a bit of wine was shared between us last night but I had to post really quickly and say date night was a roaring success. It has prompted a bit of thought this morning, about a bunch of stuff that I will doubtless muddle thru on here / bore you all with later but I just wanted to say I didn’t get axe (or other!) murdered and I had a lovely time.
Oh and I think we’ll do it again.. 😉