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Loving .. By the rules

So I’m finding it .. fascinating .. holding back. Being mindful of what I say. Working at controlling what I do – in these early days with Mr New. Fascinating because it’s not something I’ve ever bloody done before, for a start! Ok maybe that should read challenging..? 😉

I guess mostly it’s because I’m having to fundamentally change how I “normally” would act i.e.: it’s a very conscious activity for me to engage in..  As I said – quite a challenge!

I’m also finding it fascinating being around a man who must have read the damn rule book! A man who – although quite lovely – is at the same time oh-so cautious with his statements / emotions.

Sooo.. do we have a horribly bad blend or something that may develop into something good over time? Time will tell, huh!

I think it’s fair to say we’re both enjoying each other’s company. I get the feeling I am right up there when it comes to “stuff he’s into right now” .. of course since I’m being mindful and not asking forward questions I don’t know this for sure .. And he isn’t saying ..

My assessment is based solely on the timing of when I hear from him in conjunction with whatever else I know he has on.. For example – holidays with sporadic net access aside – since coming back we’ve spent both evenings together and he’s made contact within 30 minutes (or less) of finishing work.

Is this how it’s done, people? We’re meant to guess and wonder as opposed to ask and know where we stand in these early days .. ? Man it’s weird .. Ah well, I’m giving it my best shot.

Unlike drunken text recipient, we’ve not gone anywhere or done anything amazing, we’re just hanging out together. And laughing, there’s always laughter – which is kinda neat.

Somewhat bizarrely, considering how “cool” we’re being about statements that may scare the other off – we’ve more than skirted around the issue of maybe taking a holiday together later in the year (I say bizarrely cos we’ve not said anything remotely related to “I like you” but we’re going on holiday?!)

I guess this is the whole “actions speak louder than words” deal and I’ve just gotta get the hell over the fact my very close 2nd love language was “words of affirmation” and enjoy the fact that right now Mr New is doing rather well in what was the top love language of mine: “Quality time”.

And in the meantime, I need to keep biting my tongue and following his lead – instead of diving in too deep, too fast and (for all I can swim reasonably well) eventually drowning..

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SURPRISE!

OMG, Mr New came home a day earlier than he told me and surprised me just now with a beautiful bunch of white lilies (He listens! I vaguely recall once mentioning to him that they were my fave flowers) and a text message timed as the delivery was being made, to say: “I’m back, did ya miss me?”

Wanna know what really annoys me about this?

The thrill that I felt when I opened the card and saw who they were from. That stupid-assed grin that hasn’t yet been wiped off my face. That slightly giddy sense of wonder.. that he actually did something this lovely for me. 

And the fact that I acted like a complete wanker while he was away, in that I actually wasted energy worrying that I’d never see or hear from him again.
*sigh*

I was feeling very anxious this morning, no denying it. The fact is I knew he’d be out of contact because he told me so. But that didn’t stop me from being a dick and worrying. Aint baggage grand .. !

Ah well, at least I was able to internalise (or blogalise, as the case was) my stupidity instead of laying it on him or I am willing to bet I’d have received something quite different to flowers on his return .. 😉

Being too available

I realised this week that I become utterly and completely insecure in the early days of a relationship. And to say this irritates me is an understatement!

It dawned on me today that – because of my aversion to being “abandoned” or left wondering – I try my hardest to never do this to any man in my life.

And so it is you will find me carrying my phone on me 24/7.

I get my emails and texts instantly. So he texts me,I text straight back. He emails, I email back immediately. He logs into skype – I’m logged in too..  He calls, I’ll break my neck to answer.

I’m always “available”.

And if I should happen to actually miss a call, then as soon as I realise – I’m all over it like a cheap suit, frantically calling in an attempt to fix the ‘breakdown’ in comms that took place .. because heaven forbid he should experience what I loathe, after all!

Aren’t I nice?
Yeah except for 2 things ..

1. He probably doesn’t actually object to my not replying within 0.04 seconds to every single communique he sends. And he’s probably clever enough to realise there will be times when I cannot answer the phone. It’s called “life” .. And I could just be allowed to have one..

And worse;

2. I suspect that my actions potentially devalue me in his eyes.. Because as we all know: the more scarce the commodity, the more sought after it is.

And so as we head into day 13 of Mr New’s holiday, of no time spent together and sporadic (at best!) comms – I feel this neat thrill at having recognised a pattern problem for me.

Sure, I may not know quite how to stop it from rearing its ugly head, but I figure at least if I’m aware of it, then hopefully progress can be made 🙂

I don’t WANT to grow up!

My 30th birthday was spent at a local water (theme) park with a small group of friends.. we packed a picnic lunch incl. gallons of bubbles and rode the water slides, dive bombed into the pools, swam, laughed (probably terrorised a large number of small children) and generally forgot to act our age.

Unbeknownst to me, another group of friends and my parents / family were busy organising a big party so this was just a way of keeping me out of the way til the party .. Is it so bad to admit that I preferred my day on the water more than I did the party, the speeches .. and having to wear a bra on my horribly fried shoulders? 😉

Some years on and I’m unsure if I should be offended by the number of times I am asked my age. I realise it’s probably because I do not often ACT my age, therefore people genuinely are unsure. It wasn’t until I was 40 that I decided to just take pride in this, as opposed to worrying about it or thinking maybe I should change.

You see the problem is that so many old people / growns up are dull, old and well, old..!

I realise we all have to age but who sez we have to grow old in the normal sense of the word?!

I am fortunate to enjoy a reasonably large and varied circle of friends. People who range in age from early 20’s to 60’s which works well .. So I can always find a group to go do something with, whether it’s a stupid idea like bungy jumping off a bridge, dining out some place nice, attending a concert or going on a holiday somewhere fun.

As well, we’ve already established via previous posts that I’m a cougar. I loathe that term passionately, by the way. It’s MY experience that the “boys” chase us older women – therefore surely I’m just an old .. woman with ..  a younger  .. man. Hmm, okay.. cougar’s doing it for me now..

*grumble*

All jesting aside, I really do not have any desire to grow up! Sure, I can act my age fine .. after all – I hold down a job with reasonable success .. but the whole notion of acting my age alllll the time really just doesn’t do it for me.

And anyway: WHO determines what a woman of 43 is supposed to act like?

If I have to give growing older a positive spin I’d say that at 43 I have the wisdom, money and maturity to handle most situations better than I did at age 23. It’s an evolution, I guess..

For example: at age 33 I was wise enough to know that I was too old to be stumbling around the city in a drunken haze like I may have done (only occasionally, mind!) when aged 23 .. Now my friends and I have parties at private venues so no one can see us failing to act our age 😉

Hmm.. not sure quite why this topic came to mind today, perhaps it’s because I heard about the woman in New York  who died out and about at age 95! I found that story quite inspiring .. Sure as hell beats sitting in a retirement home with a knitted woobie blanket on your frail knees, waiting to die .. and worse: surrounded by people doing exactly the same!

Or maybe it’s just cos I’m hungover and very much feeling my age? 😉

Must be time to go get a drink and perk up before the big party tonight huh!

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