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Hands up, who doesn’t hold the pickles?

I’m working away today when hunger pangs attack me – as they are wont to do when it’s 2pm and I’ve not had breakfast (shh I know .. I know, it’s all bad) but anyway I wander into the nearest takeaway joint because I want energy (food) and I want it now! So Burger King it is ..

Now maybe I’m a bad person because I see “diet delight” (saladdy things) on the menu but yeah I order a whopper with a side of fries and a side of onion rings AND a coke. Diet coke could give me brain tumours, I’ll stick with sugar vs phenylanalalalaland, thank you very much.

So I sit down to stuff my face in a plasticcy booth surrounded by spotty youths. (I hate school holidays. And being old) with my plasticcy food and I get snotty.

Literally!

You see, there is what can best be described as onion snot dangling it’s way out of my burger. Every bite, it’s there tickling my chin. That lil bit of opaque but annoying “film” that often is attached to slices of onion.

Someone should be hired to remove those slimy bits of .. stuff .. I know that I’d pay $1 more per burger for this.

The 2nd thing that bugs me is the fact that my fries and onion rings come in something called a fry-pod. WHAT THE? Did Steve Jobs buy shares in your company or did some geek get his hands on the marketing material for 2012 – either way, it’s .. weird.

Oh and by the way, I aint stupid – your branded “pods” are way smaller than they used to be. Shame the price isn’t!

Note the snot, dangling from the pod.

I know.
Gross.

YOU weren’t the one served it!!!

By the way those big arsed “things” on the bottom left of the pic? The 2 pieces of pickle I finally gave up on and ejected from my burger. Holy cow they were monsters .. pickles are obviously cheaper than .. everything!

It wasn’t all bad, mind … Because we’re a bit posh (please say that with a frightfully Nigella meets complete knob “tone”, for max. impact) here on our side of the planet, we get garlic aioli with our fries. Not for us the ordinary red glop .. I know .. burn with envy .. I’ll wait.

As well, we get 2 serviettes (TWO!) when handed our tray of plastic food. Impressed? I was. Especially after reading this post by a friend of mine.

However, his blog entry did annoy me somewhat.

Because instead of stuffing my plastic fantastic meal into my face in the 15 mins I had allowed myself to break for a late lunch before running back to work.. I instead sat and PONDERED on my meal for damn near 25 minutes. (He’s getting the Bill in the mail) Yes, I get the irony and he will too 😉

Cos gosh it was awful.

Now I KNOW I am often accused of being a bit of a food snob. And I admit I do not have fast food often. I like good food, I can cook very well and I have sufficient money to fund having nice meals out.. Being lazy today, I didn’t have lunch and so opted for this fast food option.

But really, it was yukky.

I know the cheese is yellow plastic and was at peace with that. But I really “observed” as I ate and I found the tomato unripe and just an attempt at being “red fruit, in a bun”. The lettuce had that “I’ve been cut up in the fridge ever so slightly too long, how’s that taste working for you?” thing going on.

The onion – even allowing for the snot – was limp and rather tasteless. I dare you to get an onion now and take a bite. It wont be tasteless! But put it on the counter and leave it for a day .. now tell me how it tastes? Mm fast … food ..

And the mayo was .. generic mayo that had sat around a tad too long, also. The whole deal sucked and without wishing to sound like a complete wanker .. I’m thinking fast food could well be off the menu for me from now on.

So tell me, do you hold the mayo, pickle, lettuce or anything? If so, what and why?

Smile and the world smiles with you..

If nothing else it makes people think you got laid? I love misguided people and gosh let’s face it, the planet is simply groaning with them but why (whyyyyy!?) do they all seem to congregate around me?

What the $#@! is she on about? Well, I dunno really. Bear with me and we’ll see where this goes cos it’s 6am and I’m still half asleep. I guess I’m kind of responding to a very sweet email someone sent me after reading my last blog entry.

You see, apparently I am giving off the wrong energy to the universe 😉


SO this is to replace that post with something less “tragic” in tone to a) ensure people do not think I’m about to top myself and to b) remind the universe that I’m a liddle bit crazy but not completely there .. yet 😉

Hmm what to say, what to say .. There’s a reason I don’t tend to blog during the week – I don’t write well under time constraints, clearly!

OK I’ve got it – did you know that I’m that woman? (At 42 I suspect I am too old to call myself a girl) But I digress .. as usual..

I’m that woman. 

The one the crazy people on public transport just KNOW to sit next to cos I will talk to you if you engage with me. The one the homeless people on the streets smile at and wave. Preferably from up-wind.. Annoyingly, I’m the one kids gravitate towards too. They can smell my fear?

But that’s nothin’!

Yesterday I was walking along and some gang members (from a very nasty gang) were sauntering along. I didn’t notice them til I was almost in their personal space (which as a rule should be kept very LARGE) I looked up and smiled without really thinking and said “excuse me” and I got the sweetest smile back from this big black bad ass.

He looked as shocked as me, as we side stepped each other and kept on going – it made me smile to think I can even make gang members (who’d beat their own Mother up for a few dollars) smile! Maybe he’ll be nicer to his girlfriend for a few days, who knows!

I kinda like the idea of random things like that. We have a few character homeless people in the city I live and they all know me cos I sneak them drinks (coffee or energy – not bourbon! lol) or sandwiches every now and then. And they are just so surprised each time. OK so they’re coked out of their tiny minds and don’t recognise me: That’s why they’re surprised? 😉

Without wanting to sound Pollyanna-ish, I do love the notion of smiling at the world. Of course, some days when the world has taken a dump on you from a great height, this aint easy to achieve but most days, I find it’s a nice way to be.

Yesterday was a dump-day no two ways about it .. Today I’m gonna rock on out there and see what happens (got my hard hat and brolley just in case) 😉 Happy daze everyone, it’s time to go to work!

I hate you all and want to cry (rhymes with die but saying that just seemed overly dramatic)

So, who wants to cheer me up and how will you do so? Points awarded for originality .. sending gifts is acceptable, email me for my addy lol .. Ah fuckit I am trying to be grumpy, shut up woman .. you all suck *grumbles*

Tis the season my arse..

You people have NO idea how hard it is being single!

WHAT – and I think I genuinely want to try and understand this – gives someone the right to think they can ask someone who’s single “Soo .. (get the tone right k, pity meets patronising is crucial here) what are you going to do about it then, dear?”

Like one might to someone who’s bought the wrong fucking flavoured ice cream for their dinner party ie just pop down to the local store and grab the one I need, thanks.

A girl could go off this time of year, after fielding yet another annual phone call from yet another idiot relative (woman) in my family. In this case we have a woman who’s lived a completely insular life and has NO friggen clue about the world now (she’s in her late 50’s, never worked other than to have a baby and be married since age 20) nor – perhaps more annoying – does she even remotely understand ME.

Cos you know what, people?

I’ve got no fucking idea what I am going to do about it but for all that? I’m not exactly sitting on my fat arse doing nothing.

I support myself in a very nice lifestyle. Sure, I work 60+ hours a week but I LIKE it and I party anytime anyone asks me to, within the work constraint. I am sociable, I am friendly .. I don’t make small children cry when I venture out in public. Unless they annoy me and I am mean to them 😉

The thing is I wonder if people would rock up to a recovering alcoholic who’s gone to their first AA meeting (after realising they’re ripe for change) and go “hey, about the whole drinking thing” .. NO they wouldn’t. In the same way people do not approach overweight people and go “dude, take it easy with the pies k”.

Cos ya know what? (Deja vu lol)

WE FUCKING KNOW WE’RE MIXED UP!

We know we’ve got issues.
We know we need to change.
We know we can do better.

WE KNOW YOU WORRY ABOUT US.

But ya know what? (Jackass)

We aint exactly having a laugh a minute time where we’re at, either be it at AA, Weightwatchers, the gym or immersed in the love life scene. And your inane and misguided comments DO NOT HELP our cause so hows about you fuck the hell off and go back to your sorry little existence and leave me the hell alone.

I did warn it’d be a category 4, yes?

Sorry. Lots of foul language. Lots of anger. Lots of hurt actually cos really .. and I’m struggling not to cry as I type this – I so do not need YOUR shitty views, I can do the soul searching and questioning fine all by myself..

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Rant time (Category 4)

My current mood would easily rate a 4 on the Hurricane warnings scale. I am going to go out for a bike ride (it’s windy as hell here so that will be a good way to burn off some of my temper lol) and then I am going to come back and get drunk and THEN (hah something to look forward to!) I am going to post what has fired me up so bad. Suffice to say I’m very cross!! OOOOH!$#@!!

Can of whoop ass required..

Now.

Please..

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