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Online dating – A bit of a rant

I think I mentioned some time back I’d joined a dating website. Ever since then my life has been enriched in so many ways that I felt it was time to share some of it with you.

Why just this morning I was sent an invitation to share my wardrobe with a man aged 52. To spank a man aged 32. And to watch DVDs (after a walk on the beach in the sunset, to be fair) with a man of 60+.

I can’t bring myself to tell you what the boy of 22 wanted me to do to / with him. For all it coulda been fun *grins*

Below are a few excerpts from my inbox:

Hi, I’m a guy who enjoys being teased and disciplined by women. It would be great to chat with, maybe meet a woman who would enjoy having some fun along these lines – spanking me would be a good start. I realise that this is a most unusual request so I apologise in advance if you’re offended by this. What do you think so far? Hope to hear from you soon. From: Naughty boy A 32 year old Male seeking Friendships

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Now to clarify – my profile is as vanilla as can be. I re-read it today to be sure. NOWHERE do I say I’d be even remotely curious about some man getting his jollies while I spank him. GEEEEEEEZ!

For all I was delighted with his grammar, I just sent him something along the lines of “really???!!?” and then blocked his unspanked ass.

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The most offensive (call me a prude but it really did irritate me) was the fact that this man even VIEWED my profile. I should be grateful he had the brains (?) not to message me:

“York Hunt 45yr old man seeking serious relationships” .. It was only when I said his name out loud that I just kinda snorted but not in a good way. Jerk. And he’s after a serious relationship with anything more than his hand or something totally vile??

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This next one made me laugh. Albeit more a derisive snort than a humourous “how funny” kinda laugh.

Professional intelligent guy looking to communicate with intelligent lady. I Enjoy wine, music, DVD’s, no pressure etc. Pretty easy to get on with.

That was his tag line. It wasn’t too bad, I thought!?

He reiterates in the “what he’s looking for” section:

Lady who is easy to communicate with, fun, likes to laugh , sense of humour.


SO far so good!  Hell he even spelt favourable right, (for this side of the planet) presuming we ignore the caps lock!

And so I reply:

 “hey! My day wasn’t too shabby thanks, how was yours?”

GOOD. I’m Horny tho. Can you help?

I sent him a link to a porn site.
Not heard from him since.
Guess I helped? 😉

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My all time fave was this one, I’ve copied and pasted his entire profile to give additional context:

Newbie seeking to dressup…

Please send a message so we can chat… Im quite ‘normal’ actually…

The important characteristics I’m looking for:
Someone who can cope with a crossdresser… one behind closed doors anyway…

So, in his message to me he suggested we were the same sized clothes and asked if I’d like to chat.

I quizzed him on his breast size. As well, I may have mentioned my only child status and a dislike of sharing. He never replied.
These men have NO staying power, I swear! 😉

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And last but not least, for today anyway this delightful profile made me want to stab myself in the eyes to get away from it:

i njoy dining out lov to travel nce cars out for nce meals

*stabs eyes*

That was his FIRST email to me followed a few minutes later by a reminder “WELL?”

My reply?
 “Read my damn profile” <– Angry drunk 😉

Oh god he replied.

“I hv”

Being polite (for reasons that elude me!) I sent a “Goodnight”


“U to.”

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Now for additional insight into my somewhat (from the above exchange, anyway!) uptight personality, here is my profile:

Looking for friends? (My heading)

I’m passionate, intelligent, energetic and told I’m fun to be around. Reasonably easy-going, I suspect ‘laid back’ could be a bit of a stretch – I’m just not into dramas, life really is too short for that. Some random info about me:  I have an aversion to stupid and / or mean people. I’ve never eaten oysters. I love fast cars & French champagne, both of which you’ll be pleased to know I can afford without you.

Oh and I absolutely loathe shoe shopping.

There’s 2 sections to each profile so I can add what I seek, as well as what I offer and I have the following:

My wish list would include a man who’s tall and around my age. Healthy + intelligent.. Oh and you MUST have a sense of humour!  At the end of the day we each have our own personal preferences so have a read and see if there’s anything here you think we can work with.

PS: Can we please communicate in ‘real’ words? My brain hrts readng txt spk!

Aint life grand .. Or at the least? It sure as heck isn’t ever boring lol


Europe, Porn and Sexy lingerie

So yeah, apparently I’ve been a bit quiet (for me! LOL) Well it’s been kinda .. hectic .. in my world. In the last few weeks I have:

Moved towns, travelled 11801 miles to end a relationship*, been on a date with what seemed like the perfect man only to have to ask him to leave long before HE thought it was over and did I mention I quit my job after a scrap with a very high ranking govt official?

Mmm. Been a funny ol’ time for LITFL!

But let’s start with the *Paris trip. Going back a little bit now, we had the “break up because of the distance thing” followed by quite a few phone calls, texts and emails – more than one would expect from a guy who’s saying “this isn’t going to work” as he jets off overseas.

I became confused and thought maybe there was a chance it’d work but needed to know more. And so, on a total (and very expensive, ffs!) whim – flew to Paris to surprise / confront his nibs.

It went fabulously ’til the last day I was there and then it all came crashing down. The distance thing .. the lack of intimacy .. the lack of closeness .. it’s just insurmountable, it seems.

I flew home to a total shitstorm in my work situation (albeit not a total surprise) but on being smacked around a time or two too many, I had already told all the wrong people to shove it pre Europe and so I walked.

And when I say walked? I upped and left town!

I know. I don’t do things by halves lol

And so we have me now living in a different city, single. Alone, save for my 2 cats.
And kinda OK ..

I really like the above pic because there are – honest to god – days when I say to anyone “I’m cool” when I’m anything but. Not sure I’d cope with the wrong people saying “no you’re not, here’s a hug” but I like the concept for all that.

Now I KNOW I will be ok, long term. After all, I don’t have an incurable disease, a kidnapped child or anything that is really serious. I have an inability to find the right man. White woman problem. I get it.

But hey this is my blog and I’m giving an update of what’s going on and how I feel about it. Don’t like it? Don’t approve? Think I’m being a wanker? Fuck off. Oops I mean, cheers .. but please, leave me to sort myself out without your judgement, I just don’t need it.

Oh and the title of this blog? Well duh I packed lingerie, I bought video porn (albeit unintentional for all the haughty Frenchman at reception didn’t believe me) and .. well I went to Europe!

Yes, I know .. I left out the awful date, that’s a-whole nother entry in the making lol

Irrational insecurity

I feel bad when I post something without responding to the comments from my previous post but this post basically responds to many of the comments made, so here goes..

1. Mr New has more than proved he’s reliable in his own way (As an aside: does that statement piss anyone off as much as it does me?) “In his OWN way” generally indicates it’s without any regard for anyone but himself.. Not so much, in this case – but I have experienced it in the past!

2. Mr New has always been brutally honest about his need or enjoyment (be it subliminal or otherwise) for freedom, spontaneity, change, excitement and lack of dramas. At NO point can I ever accuse him of pretending he wasn’t just exactly who he presents to me, every single day of our time together thus far.

3. Mr New has more than let on he’s into me. And he’s hung around for a couple of months – woot, we’re going the distance! Hahah .. Okay for all I jest, this is perhaps the most critical one, i.e.: He’s still here 😉

As I said earlier, I can get men interested in me with relative ease. The issue is KEEPING them!

After a short time they disappear into the ether because the woman they 1st met has morphed into this complete and utter nutter with whom they’re mostly happy (“Cos I can cook, don’t look too shabby and put out” .. yes I said that to a guy during a break up scene many moons ago .. One of my finer moments .. sigh) but of whom they’re scared shitless.

And herein lies the rub, folks: Mr New has been nothing but fabulous.

Even when I thought he’d gone “cold” on me .. he’d actually just been busy.

IN MY DEFENCE normally we would talk or hang out every day so I think I deserve a little lattitude for my freak out esp when combined with the vanishing act but yeah, in the cold light of day – we really just have me being a dunderhead.

You see, it’s not that I think I don’t deserve him. My ego is fine.. It’s not even that I think I need to change to keep him happy or keen. I read some of your comments yesterday and it dawned on me I don’t tend to ever think that.. (I have enough issues without that too!) 😉

I KNOW he likes me and is attracted to me. He more than makes this clear to me and for all I can be insecure (snort) on a plus note – I’m reasonably simple to communicate with. Not for me the scenes, shouting matches and sulking.

I’m articulate and impatient – which means I’d far rather sit and talk shit out rationally than stew on it til I get mad and have a fight. And he copes fine with my approach .. mostly 😉

The issue is – I turn into this completely insecure fruit-loop who thinks things are going wrong when they’re not!

And in doing so – well, talk about your self fulfilling prophecy! Cos let’s face it, anyone accused of something such as abandonment is eventually going to seriously wish they could abandon me lol <– and I did actually chuckle as I typed that sentence .. ah hell..

This whole deal possibly stems from bigger issues than the occasional boyfriend not showing for a dinner date.  It may not be helped by a strict / conservative childhood ruled by a loving Father and Mother .. oops, loving til my Father cut me off and told me he never wished to deal with me again. Oh yeah, and the 9yr abusive marriage with an equally calculating and cold man (but the family approved wholeheartedly of him, so why didn’t it work??) may also come to the party ..

What a party that’d be huh *grimace*

But anyway I must say that yesterday’s lil epiphany of “omg I screw it up by becoming someone needy and vile” was exciting ..

“Hi I’m LITFL and I’m a fruitcake” .. Nutjobs anon support groups may never recover from my attendance!

I am as yet unsure how to stop myself from undergoing this personality change, but I’m sure as hell gonna give it my best shot ..  Cos I was horribly gutted last week by the imaginary disappearing act viz, I’ve invested in this guy emotionally. And his not telling me to sod off after I had my lil spazz attack .. but instead reassuring me he was totally here and engaged in this deal .. ?

Well, something tells me he’s invested too 😉

Popcorn, anyone?

As for me, I’m off for a run (to get away from my thoughts) .. on a plus note, the amount of running I am doing can only be good, I’ve never looked better! 😉

When girlfriends go bad

So I’ve lamented before how I can “land“but not “keep” a man. Well I was thinking it really is something I need to work on. After all, identifying issues is all well an’ good. Dealing to them is kinda more useful tho, huh!

And I think I worked it out. Or some of it anyway ..

You see, I think I am – at the risk of sounding like a complete wanker – a reasonable catch.

Before you all log out in disgust: I just mean that I’m friendly! Ok that still isn’t working is it .. fine – how about the fact that in a crowd setting I’m there in the thick of it? No? Ok, I’m intelligent, I have a good sense of humour, am generous and generally quite a fun person to be around.

All of which explains why I can attract a man.. The issue we have is keeping said man! And the reason I can’t keep him?

COS I CHANGE WHEN I’VE LANDED HIM!  There, I $#@! admitted it.

And that was actually quite hard to admit cos it seems so stupid. But I do .. I go from being a fun, confident and enjoyable woman – the one who attracted him in the first place .. To an insecure, anxious douche bag!

Fundamental problem even for all I’ve worked out this lil gem?

I’ve NO friggen idea how to stop doing it lol.. but I’m hoping that the fact I have at least identified and accepted it is a good step ..
This whole introspection bizzo is a pain in the arse, I think I will go for a run and give my brain a rest!

Letting go of the past

So, Mr New disappeared on me the week before St Patrick’s Day. No, that isn’t fair. He seemed withdrawn toward the middle of that week then disappeared that weekend.. leaving me to presume (agonise, ponder, fret and so on!) that he was just not that into me, for whatever reason/s ..

Of course, the reasons are what one can become somewhat bent out of shape about.. okay, the fact he vanished into the ether isn’t helpful,  but for me, the reasons are what tends to do my head in when I find myself in this situation.

That lack of understanding of the reasons when a man (or woman) goes awol on you.. Sitting grappling with the whole: “WTF did I do wrong” (and all the other very unhelpful statements that float around in your head at a time like this) it’s just very unpleasant to contend with..

I think for me, the biggest issue is that I am a complete numpty when it comes to affairs of the heart. I’m a hapless (not a typo!) romantic. I just love the notion of love.. I want to be one half of something special one day.

And no matter what happens, there’s always some part of me that hopes and dreams that one day .. just one day, maybe it’ll happen for me.

Honestly, it staggers me how much I keep trying, considering how little luck I have with it.. Cos let’s face it – if anything else proved to be this hard in my life I’d have given it up along with various gym memberships, scrapbooking, singing lessons and cheap wine.

So anyway the update on MIA man.

As I said, he had seemed a bit withdrawn and then he vanished on me for 4 days. When I say vanished, I mean that he didn’t make any contact nor respond to my attempts at contacting him.

After day #2 I tried to call a few times, day #3 I sent a couple of texts (and they were light hearted “hey, how’s things?”) and in the wee small hours of day #4 I called under the influence of gallons of booze and left a fairly snarly message when his voice mail picked up.

Regular readers will know that we had spent a lot of time together and that he had seemed very good at communication. Even when in Europe working or holidaying in the USA, he made an effort, so the total lack of contact was somewhat noticeable..

The morning of day #4 I surfaced from my drunken slumbers to a message apologising for the lack of contact, saying what a fun weekend he’d had and asking how I was.

At this point I was still ever so slightly (snort) miffed and so I responded in true asshole fashion with a fairly curt “I’m fine thanks” or words to that effect 😉

It’s my understanding that even the most Neanderthal male knows “I’m fine” is female code for “I AM SO NOT OK AND IF YOU WANNA FIX THIS YOU’LL NEED DIAMONDS” ..

Emotionally I was fraught and in the 4 days of silence, my emotions had run wild! And by the time his msg arrived I was in “$#@! .. I am worthy of more, he’s a jerk” mode.

As it turns out, he didn’t even GET that message so I have no idea what happened there. But it worked in my favour because he took the silence to mean he was in BIG trouble lol

Anyway, long story short, he’s back and very much so. In fact I’d go so far as to say he didn’t even go. Not only was his explanation plausible, it was sincere.

He had mentioned to me weeks ago that he had big plans for the weekend. But he’d not gone into details. Those big plans involved a bachelor party, away with pals. It was messy .. And having seen the pictures, that’s an understatement lol

His cell phone was wrecked in an incident involving Guinness and the ocean .. (Boys!) And he simply didn’t think that I’d be worried because he’d told me he was going to be busy.

It was that simple as far as he was concerned and honestly ..? Now we’ve talked and I step it thru’ logically, it does seem a total overreaction on my part and I feel like a complete dipstick, but I suspect he perhaps figures he got off lightly considering how pissed off and hurt I was and so we’re both busy trying to mend any damage done..

As for the emotional withdrawal I thought I sensed? He denies any such thing occurred and said he was busy but totally and utterly “into the whole deal with me” .. even saying “do you really think I’d plan a holiday with you then disappear on you?”

What freaks me out most about this is how much my past experiences nearly damaged my future!

Cos in my mind I was thinking him down a path other men had gone when he was totally not going that way  .. And in fact he was quite hurt I suggested he may have done this! Doh!

If I’m honest, the reason his “disappearing act” hurt so damn much was I really did think he wasn’t the type. Up til this point he’d seemed so decent, honest and – for all his approach is so different to mine – he had been open and communicative .. And appreciative of me.

Ah well, what can be learned from all this? Lots, I am sure .. but for now let me just say it’s nice to have him back..

Oh and the trip plans? Still being kicked around / discussed .. not necessarily helped by the 9 or so booklets he picked up from a travel agent yesterday!

It’s all about me!

I’ve decided it’s time to update my “about me” page! For all I kinda tend to bare all, maybe there is something about me you don’t know but always wished you did? *snort* Whatever, if you’d like to – Please leave your question/s below in the comments section and I will answer them Q&A style (as best I can!)

I need something to distract me from thinking so hopefully this will do it … Meantime:


When men go AWOL

This is a hard post to write because my head is a total mess, which may end up reflected in this entry .. Maybe I’ll keep it short and simple (just like me!) You see, Mr New has done a runner.

There, that was simple huh 😦

It started emotionally, a week or so ago .. Then he went awol physically .. Oh and electronically too .. I do not know why because he’s not taking my calls or replying to texts.

So yeah, you know how I have suggested I already may have had abandonment issues? Call it a hunch, but I suspect this MAY NOT HELP my cause!


And so here I sit an absolute emotional cripple, barely functioning as I try to grapple with what the fuck has gone wrong, once more .. And I have honestly no idea, nothing triggered it that I am aware of. It just happened..

I think that is always the hardest part for me in this situation – not knowing what went wrong.. Cos it eats me up as I revisit the last conversation and go “where did I cock it up?”

So yeah this is why I’ve been a bit quiet lately cos I just haven’t had it in me to construct anything other than $!%$@%^!&*(!*(# which is about all that’s in my head.

And now if you will excuse me, I am going to go get drunk.
Again ..

Commitment, issues & exciting news

I recently started reading the book “He’s scared / She’s scared” .. but I stopped after realising that it perhaps would be more appropriate for me to read “She’s scarred / He’s scared” .. so yeah turns out I have commitment issues with finishing books – Good to know.  😉

Mr New continues to be quite lovely – in spite of my many foibles. He’s back from Europe and for all his supposed preferences (freedom, lack of drama and other non-emotive stuff), he seemed rather pleased to know that I had missed him.

Yes, I told him. Sue me.. I can’t not be who I am, say how I feel. A) I couldn’t maintain it if I tried and B) Well heck, he’d find out eventually anyway.. That said, I am still trying to be mindful / aware of how I act, based on my past relationships (and failures!) so as not to scare him … yet – lol!

So anyway, that’s not really the point of this post. The point is I had an epiphany last night that I wanted to share with you all!

I think I’ve worked out how to ensure that relationships succeed and it’s SO simple I can’t believe no one has cracked it before!?

Each party just needs to put in a very large non-refundable cash deposit! Like I said, elegantly simple..

After all, it’s the investment that everyone understands .. for all we need and want different things from relationships, have differing love languages plus issues – the fact that we’ve invested a large sum of non-refundable (that’s important!) cold hard cash into the deal is pretty much guaranteed to keep most people wanting to make it work..

I know. I’m so clever ..

Alright, I’m kidding .. mostly 😉

You may be interested in the reason I meandered down this line of thought .. Cos it is kinda cool, I think.

You see on his return from Europe, Mr New suggested that he and I go on a holiday later in the year! Now on more than one occasion, when talking, he makes statements that indicate he sees himself around for awhile. But the idea of an overseas holiday is a biggie to me!

Not the least because the holiday we then opted for needs a large deposit paid in the next few weeks..

And it’s then that it dawned on me (brick / head =  dumb-arse, I know) and I am somewhat ashamed to admit it – but I realised once he paid that deposit on the holiday, I would relax and just start 100% enjoying this relationship instead of fretting about things (that really don’t need to be fretted about!)

So, interesting developments .. Well, for me anyway 😉 And in the midst of all this, I now have a holiday to daydream about and plan! Yeah!

Astrology, Art, Music & .. Stuff

So I’m a Capricorn. Do you know what capricorns are famous for? Being assholes. We’re cold, “stoic”, methodical, stuck up, calculating and generally awful. Some days I don’t think I am a very good Capricorn .. cos, well .. I’m not that methodical..  😉

But it is helpful to be Capricorn (this is where the stoic thing comes in handy). For example: the times when your more liberal / artsy friends drag you to a show or poetry reading. I don’t know why they bother, but they do!

And so it is we may sometimes be found in the latest trendy art gallery – confronted with a bunch of stuff that I don’t even pretend to understand .. and these friends, well.. bless their hemp socks – they look at me with pained and anxious expressions .. as my eyes glaze over (only focussing when I check my watch..)

Of course, I DO know why they take me along – so they can josh me about it later, not for any altruistic reasons. Cos the bastards take turns to mock me mercilessly afterwards, as we relax in a place where I’m far more at home: a bar or restaurant.

Another thing I am often mocked for is my taste in music. Or lack of taste, some would say.

See the thing is I like a wide range of music. Be it popular, hip hop, opera, country or rock. Although I do tend to err toward easy. (Like I prefer my men!) Give me Elton, Billy, Eric, or the Eagles any day!

I’m old, I like to understand the words and caterwaul sing along.

So it’s fair to say that whenever I am around people who really “get” their music (and there’s more than a few of you out there on WordPress) I feel terribly insecure and just a liddle stupid.

Bit like when I am in the book shop getting the latest Dan Brown blockbuster novel and the dude next to me in the queue is tightly clutching “Letters from Ayn Rand” or – as already mentioned, I’m in an art gallery and I cannot for the life of me see what everyone else sees..

Where am I going with this?

Well, Mr New is a music fan. And he sent me the link to this song overnight, telling me it was his favourite song at the moment. I have to confess, I have never listened to a Metallica song in my life. Or if I have, I didn’t know it was them..

But for all that lack of awareness, this song wasn’t what I was expecting .. it was a lot ‘softer’ than I expected their music to be..

So tell me .. What do the lyrics say and / or mean?!?

Yeah yeah, I know .. Don’t over-analyse. But I wanna! And I can’t .. cos I’m not a music officianado.. *grumbles*

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